My Fitness/ Health goals for 2014

No more injuries :-)

My Life goals for 2014

Give of my time to those around me with a heart of compassion and empathy, Love without compromise accept people for who they are and be in the community more. 

Have been blessed by so many wonderful people this year and I want to be a blessing to others in the same way. 

Open my heart, direct my path and use me Lord.

Two days until 2013 is over, I am starting  to feel like I need to work out, but I am fighting the urge to go to the gym with my husband because I gave myself 3 weeks break for a reason.

My New Years resolutions starting early:

To encourage my children with  eating more vegetables daily!
To take my  children off their wheat based diet, restrict their bread/ wrap consumption.
Begin the additive elimination diet from the time we return from holiday.
Limit my caffeine
Do the 8 week I quit sugar program to the end.

My husband has been a constant support and encouragement to me always, when I was larger he was there, I felt disconnected for a time and I was unhappy with our relationship but mostly that was due to my unhappiness with me and how that affected my view of everything.

It's funny the memories that come to mind, I remember  he always wanted someone he could exercise with and be active with when we were planning our wedding and honeymoon we chose Halls Gap because he wanted to go walking and be active in the outdoors on our honeymoon. He wanted a partner who could be active with him and a part from that first year or so of our marriage,  I have  never fitted into the mould of what my husband wanted in a partner.

January 7th is our 19th Wedding anniversary, I am really pleased that now I am able to be more and  do more and more with him ( apart from injury restricitons . I never realised how much I was missing out on not exercising, I am not referring to body change, although that is a side benefit I am just talking about the every day activities I can now do with ease.

I am looking forward to a year that will see my body repaired and with time I am hoping I will be able to achieve one of my fitness goals to run a 5k. Maybe train to do a tri who knows I am not going to give in to the broken body parts I am going to respect my body and do what I need to, to ensure I can continue doing what I love.

This time last year I was feeling really unhappy, unhappy with where I was physically and unhappy with how I felt mentally. I had it all planned out, I was going  to completely focus on the task at hand  make  2013 the year I truly could  be, who I knew I could/ can be! 2013 my year  to achieve my dream self body and mind.

 I am nowhere close to where I planned to be this close to turning 40, yet  I accept me a lot more now than I did this time last year.  I am not so far from where I was last year in the wrong direction yet I feel more at ease, I don't know exactly why that is but I do.

Let me be clear,  I have not given up, my ease is  not because I've let go of my dream and just don't care. My ease is because I have accepted my attitude was not helping me, feeling negative about myself all the time is not helpful, sure I have done the wrong thing for most of the year, I needed to acknowledge I have let myself down, nothing is going to change that fact and I could stay in that feeling of self loathing but I don't want to. I am happy that even though I've encountered some set backs, I have kept on going and I am continuing in  believing the mental change will come to produce the physical one I chase.

I am happy that most of the time now I  actually listen to my body, sure there are times when I try to ignore the pain and push through, sometimes I have to just check it's not a mental barrier that's holding back and the pain is real. :-)

These are the real body faults that I work around and try to ignore if I can.

osteoarthritis in my spine, knees, feet and I believe fingers now, what's caused it no idea I did carry a lot of weight for a long period of time, but my gp indicated to have it this bad at my age was more than carrying extra weight.  Orthotics have helped so much, I cannot thank my pt enough for recommending to get my feet looked at, as I say he has literally changed my life, the pain I used to be in constantly with my back is nothing really now in comparison. It was interesting to find out why I may of been so clumsy/ lack co ordination,  apparently my feet are just not doing their job to keep me upright.

My lower pelvis twists and causes my back to slip out, which causes my hips to tighten and spasm this is usually fixed by either my chiropractor, osteopath or massage therapist. I have started having my upper spine twist which causes my ribs to move and makes it hard to breath.

My shoulder has a slight tear and is unstable at times, which needs to massaged back into place and causes a tightness in my neck that is annoying not painful so much just makes it stiff to turn my head. I have trouble holding onto barbell with weight for any period of time so use gloves and wrist straps to help.

My knees the torn meniscus on the right and left due to wear and tear and then the dance party last feb, along with some unusual joint damage and the arthritis.  I apparently will probably need knee replacements. My osteopath explained one of the conditions that showed in the mri means that I have smaller knee caps than normal so I guess add to that the excess weight they were just not built to hold that much body up.

My elbow has been bothering me for about 6 months, have had dry needling then my physio referred me for an ultrasound which showed no tendon damage. It locks in place and I then lose all strength in my forearm and wrist again needing the wrist straps for lifting. My osteopath had a feel last week and now thinks I may have a slight tear in my tri cep tendon so will need to have that looked at in the New Year.

All of these are irrelevant, moving my body is important to keep me mentally well and my body as strong as it can be. Yet I know without a shadow of a doubt exercise is not going to fix the body shape issues I have,  the main way to change my body shape is to change what I eat, when I eat and why I eat.

2014 is time to focus on nutrition and see what happens. :-)

Three weeks off intense exercise is much needed, not sure if I could hold up to another genfit training session at the moment I feel wrecked! I plan to walk and maybe ride a bit if Scott can get my mountain bike fixed.

I asked Sean what I could do while in the Grampians, his response nothing with more than a 5% risk factor. Caleb asked if that meant I would not be climbing the pinnacle this year, probably not which is sad as I enjoy doing it but there is no way my knee will cope with climbing that amount of steps and rocks this year. If I do  maybe I will give the (nerve test) a shot, google it it's a thin strip of rocks you walk out onto that has no surrounding support on either side just a line of rocks, I am sure my co ordination skills will successfully complete that right?

Excited to of started my fitness course, finding it interesting, bit worried I don't have the brain to remember all the muscle names.
Found out last night that apparently, my personality is suited to being a group fitness instructor. Someone loud and people orientated who loves being in a group and center of attention on the stage. Found that strange, because I am pretty shy around people I don't know and do not like being the center of attention, then I remembered those two times I jumped on stage with Jude in Sh bam. Maybe I could train in sh bam or boxing mmmm there's an idea.

Was sitting next to a lady in class last night also named Kelly, who mentioned she used to work in a gym I was once a member of a long time ago and it didn't last long.
I said "oh that's funny  I used to go to that gym years ago, maybe you were there when I was a member?" her response was " yeah I remember you, as soon as I saw your face I recognised you from somewhere, I didn't realise where until you said that" She did gym programs and reception at this gym and I was a member maybe 10 years ago, I was wondering how you could write a gym program with no fitness qualifications?

Cannot end my year without saying once more how much I thank Sean for his consistent support and guidance and keeping me mostly together in one piece. Wise beyond his years and able to inspire and motivate a lot of people, not just me. I miss our one on one pt sessions, but am loving the small group training he does and the weekly smashing we get delivered.  While I have no plans to ever work as a pt, if I chose to model myself on someone who I trust and look up to it would be him.

I have eaten way to much chocolate since Friday night, the day  when I hurt my back swinging a kettle bell. I am not using my back as an excuse, I just mentally lose the plot when it goes out and I gave in to the overwhelming feeling of failing once again with not being able to hold myself together in one piece for one week. Choosing  to self medicate with panadeine forte and chocolate most of the weekend was stupid I know it and so does my skin and my body. I cannot  even declare it was good dark chocolate it was cheap and nasty chocolate with  popping candy.

I am not up for training today, maybe this whole  week, maybe until the New Year I haven't decided. I feel broken and unable to keep going right now, mentally I am not in it. The focus and determination I had at the start of genfit was great, I could see it was a change of pace and exciting, I knew I would need to be careful and follow the advice I was given and then each week something seems to fall apart and there are more and more restrictions placed on what I can and cannot do. I feel bad that Sean has to constantly think of extra stuff I can do, when it would be much simpler just to have the healthy bodied participants join in. I love the program and seeing the changes each week but the body is just not coping. Maybe it's  the programs intensity, maybe it's just my body is done and it is time to give up the idea of doing intense gym training at all,  like my gp has said for over a year.

Funnily enough  I just was thinking about taking a month off over Christmas on Friday then this happened, my body telling me I need to take a break?

If you need a reality check about your body go and try on clothes and look from both angles....
:-)

This smack in the face last night when looking for something to wear to Noah's grade 6 graduation may of depressed me initially. I smiled to myself when I  thought about the night before. It was Christmas carols at the school, one of the mum's whose child is in grade 6 with Noah,said to me "WOW every time I see you I just have to tell you how amazing you look. " It cheered me up from the changing room ordeal to think about this.
It made me realise, I need to move forward! there really  is no point comparing myself to last year, what's done is done. I am unhappy with myself and I have been fore a long time! No point bitching only I can change it,  it's not going to change backwards it's going to change forwards.  I just need to keep going from this point here now where I am. I am seeing small changes week by week and that is important.

Gains in strength and determination, battling the tears when I feel stabbing pain in my knee to not give in and cry ( nearly happend Wednesday morning when I got on the rower and the pain started)  and my clothes getting looser, I refuse to weigh myself because it changes my focus.

I start school in 12 days and I want to feel comfortable being in that environment also 18 days until Christmas apart from drinking on one of those days, my no sugar or junk challenge with my dh has begun again.

1st day of summer and what a glorious day it is, hoping to take the kayaks out for a paddle again this afternoon. I will be responsible and only go for a little paddle and protecting my body as much as possible ready for the week ahead.

This is my accountability with myself and the world!

Today December 1 what will change? There is plenty I can change  within  me and outside of me. I accept my role in changing and  I am going to start with taking  the focus off myself, my fat loss, getting fit and healthy  and place it with my family.

 We will do more together, love more and be more. Starting with putting up our christmas tree...

I don't want to be consumed any longer with how I look and how much  I want that to change, I am not that important there is a lot more in this world to focus on than the size of your own butt.

Less blogging about me more blogging about life.

Friday night I was able to support a lady who I find inspiring, she  is doing a 1/2 marathon next weekend for breast cancer research. Her inspiration is not in that she is a fitness machine although she is.  She is passionate about everything she does and that is obvious when you meet her, she is a busy mum of 4 and does super fun and exciting things with and for her kids, runs her own business is passionate about that and all she does. What a fantastic role model she is for her children, I want my kids to be inspired by me not depressed because their mum was unhappy with herself all their childhood.

I am inspired by the quiet, consistent, loving way my friend engages with those around her. Super organised with everything, study, work, home duties, exercise, eating,  she always makes time for me and always makes me feel valued and loved.

I am thank full for these people and many others.

Thank you that I am able to breath another day and enjoy my life.

It's no secret that this shit is hard, changing the way you do things for years and years can sometimes take years and year and it's life long.
One thing I've come to accept is  there are no 1/2 way to achieving your goals, and tip toeing around like you can live 1/2 committed and 1/2 not is no way to live.
So knowing that and accepting all the things I have fumbled with along the way, I've decided to stop trying to be consistent with  clean eating, give up exercising and start binge drinking and sitting on my ass doing nothing.

Jokes I've actually decided to cut my self reliance on  sugar and all it's fake varieties once and for all so today is day one and my head feels like it's verging on an intense headache which could either be sugar withdrawl ( no fruit and I've been having Scott's protein bars a lot more than I should :-( ) or it's just the remaining blood pump from the awfully intense for me being unfit, cardio session this morning.....

My knee is hurting so bad at the moment, I think I may of torn it more or it's just not coping with the amount I'm trying to make it do, so I am cutting my training back further and just doing what Yoda says.....My ribs and hips are better but still causing a bit of burn every now and then so will see my osteopath again on Friday I sound like a whinger I know, but  all in all I am still a walking disaster area but it's all liveable and adaptable :) so i keep going....

I don't know if you saw it last week or not, there was a video of a police artist  drawing portraits of people described from their own mouths and comparing them with pictures described by a stranger. The self described portraits were much more critical and unappealing to the ones described by others who had just met these people. It bought home the lesson I've heard taught over and over in the Art n Soul program we are quick to compare the worst we see in ourselves with the best in someone else.

Yesterday it was kind of like a real life reflection of this video for me, I mentioned how I got up and the scales were not being nice in yesterday's blog and I was feeling a bit blah with how I look at the moment, thinking about Christmas and how the last two years I've gained a bit of weight and the thought that it would compound the damage already done is making me stress a bit because there is less than 12 weeks until the big 40!

 I was out and stopped into work and  I bumped into someone I haven't seen since April. During the conversation she told me how amazing I am looking and asked how my gym is going, at first I thought amazing are you kidding me I've put on x amount of weight since I saw you but I did not voice that thought I just said thank you, not really taking on board the compliment because that's not what I see or feel in fact I feel less than average with what I see in the mirror at the moment.  Then last night, I was boxing and a lady who I've known pretty much since I've joined the gym said the same thing to me, wow you look amazing, you looking really good. I was again shocked and thought surely she could see how much weight I've gained, but I thanked her again not really seeing what she was seeing and wondering how two people could possible say that.

After the class I was walking to the car and I said to my husband the weirdest thing happened today, twice I was told I look amazing, I think these two ladies need to come in and see Ryan for an eye test. He turned and said you do look amazing when are you going to realise that,  in that moment I thought about that video and thought to myself I am just like those people. Maybe the lady in the gym could see the happiness on my face because I was in there to box, maybe I need to stop focusing so much on what I see in the mirror and start focusing on what makes me happy it clearly changes the way I am viewed...

It's funny how people say things and then their behaviour contradicts that statement, I believe someone influential said to me just a few weeks ago " I don't care what you do, it's your body" clearly that's not the case :-) thank you that you do care.

Genfit this morning and then work, then kids sport and trying to study in the car while watching Caleb train for the first time in 6 weeks...

Time to break one of my current standing addictions, coffee I can detox it, I know I have done it before and then as soon as I start not worrying about it my consumption gets to much. Yesterday I had 4 coffees which doesn't seem extreme to a lot of people but most were double shots so not great.

Had lots of pain in my knee yesterday, think it is because I have been wearing haviana's all week and then going to work yesterday I put my regular shoes on with orthotics.

Last Tuesday I did something to my rib and upper back  during training, it wasn't to painful just hurt to take a deep  breath and I couldn't lie on my side at all. Went and saw my osteopath and he worked on it, explaining that with an injury like mine if I'd woken up with it and seen him straight away it would probably only need one treatment, but because I continued training for 3 days it may take longer to heal good news is it feels heaps better and it's only saw really in one spot now.

There is no change to my weight this week,  which when your weighing in as an accountability tool  with a friend makes it seem like you've achieved nothing ! Yet this week I pushed myself physically harder than I have in a long time, said NO to eating ice cream and have prepared and eaten to my plan all week. I want to be happy with that, but I know I currently  measure success in seeing those digits diminish and return to the ones they were...

It's easy to fall into old habits, I know I am not alone in this as I read the same things over and over on ig and facebook from people who have started changing their life, had dramatic weight/ fat loss ( I do not consider my achievements dramatic)  and then for whatever reason slip backwards for a period of time.

Now there is nothing I can do to change the past, living in who I was 6 months ago or a year ago is not going to change who I am now. I need to find it within myself the ability to push past what has held me back and kept me failing for so long. Consistency with new habits is the one thing that will change my life and I now that.

I read an interesting article yesterday that really made me take stock of the mistakes I've made over the last 2.5 years. I made the decision to work with a pt, to gain knowledge and information from him and then I questioned the knowledge that was given to me, the biggest mistake a client can make. I did not understand how it undermined what I was doing, that questioning knowledge provided by someone I was paying to provide me with their knowledge. I took a trust relationship and threw doubt into all that I was told, both with regards to training and nutrition, I can't get back to experience to make it more than it was and  I feel sad that I missed the opportunity. The opportunity  to really embrace what was potentially the most important thing for me to do trust Sean 100%.

Today is a fresh start, I can take what I know, ignore the background noise that challenges what I have learnt and trust in the process more than ever before. I don't expect over night success but I am determined to not let myself be trapped where I am now.

Have a super Sunday.

Every time I log in here, I think about changing my banner photo, I cringe at it and  then I think you know what as exposed as I feel that people see it, I am really happy I decided to change my life, the change within me has been amazing. You may find the photo yuck but I didn't post it for you it was for my own motivation and to feel a sense of achievement in what I had done.

So happy that I  finally made the decision to study, I am patiently waiting  for my books to arrive, being eager to study is so unlike me :-). Already watched some of the training videos kind of weird the two people participating in the training video's  are called Kelly and Sean.

I am so loving my new training, so glad I decided I would give genfit  a try, rather than just do my own training. It's funny being in a group setting  after doing 1-1 pt for most of the year,  but also really nice to be with a group of people.

Struggling to find something that feels right with regards to food plans, something I can see myself sticking to forever,  I have tried just eating 6-8 meals a day of protein, plant food and good fats every 2.5- 3 hours without worrying about calories only eating carbs around training.  I don't like it,  I don't feel in control if there are no limits, I swear that since I started eating like this I eat more food because I seem to always feel hungry  every 2.5- 3 hours.

 I have tried just counting calories based on what myfitnesspal recommends which is a lot less protein and fats but heaps of carbs.
I've tried using my fitness pal  and going off the recommendations of iifym which is lower carbs high fat and high protein, I found some days I would just feel blah some days I would feel fine.

I gave IF a go, which I found ok.  I didn't mind not eating in the morning and seemed to be coping ok but as it's not seen as a viable long term option I suppose being told I was looking for a quick fix rather than changing my life style was true.  I decided after being reprimanded,  to listen to those who told me not to do it and stopped.

Currently I am just trying to make better choices each meal and not be consumed by it all. My body is slowly getting back to where it was and I am slowly, slowly making progress on my goals. I need to up the anti a bit and maybe incorporate some more bike riding for cardio urgh....

It's funny how your perception of what is horrible and not attractive can be someone else's positive. These  words  came from a 6 year old last night. " Mum I love your chubby, fat tummy it makes me feel all cuddly when I hug you." Oh Eva Rubes your a sweet heart but mummy does not like her chubby fat tummy and if it was possible to pick up a knife and cut it off I probably would.

This past weekend I had a fun out and while I am unhappy with some aspects of myself that were present in the photo's I saw. I am really focused on how happy I was and how different the night would of been had I not made the decision to be better.

This week has been about being better, better than yesterday better than I thought I could be. Focus on my prize and what I want.

Loving genfit and hope this is the way to get my body to be how I want it to be.

There is always hope for change, hope for new beginning, hope for understanding, hope for my children to do better than I have, hope for chains to be broken so the past can be left where it should and the future embraced.

Warning feeling emotional and not in a fantastic mood

In March 2012 I started this blog, for myself, to be reflective and to get out some of the frustrations I had with myself and I enjoyed reading the blogs of others who were travelling the same path I was. I have deleted most of my posts for varying reasons as I knew some how I would regret some of the information I gave to the public. This week twice I have felt shame for things I've put on here that have come back to me.

Two weeks ago I was shopping with some friends, we were looking in a plus size store while a friend purchased something, I tried on a dress, a dress which is a size 14 or xs by their sizing it was just a simple maxi strapless dress. I loved it, loved the style loved the colours and was thinking about buying it to wear this weekend. One of the friends I was shopping with trying to be supportive said " No you are not buying it, you are not going to get comfortable buying clothes in this store again." I felt ashamed, ashamed that here I put myself  in this position, humiliated because I'd allowed myself to gain weight.
I felt hurt because of those words, I know it wasn't the intention and they were said out of love. Yesterday again, she pointed out that I'd put it on my blog that I never wanted to be buying clothes in a plus sized store. Here my words came back to me , I never realised how being vulnerable and allowing people to see this side of me could potentially cause me to feel like this.
My  default reaction is to find my shame in this kind of situation and trust me I feel it. I also did not understand the power my blog had to hurt me and here it was laid out for me pure and simple. I was doing something I hoped to never do be  buying clothes in a store that says I am larger than "normal people"is not something I planned to ever do again. :( I just don't think stuffing myself into clothes that don't fit like a sausage, just so I can pretend I have not gained weight and  say I still fit a particular size is the right thing to do either.

This morning I had another encounter that made me again feel shame, I know I know Trudy. I was complimenting a guy on how much he has achieved and he responded saying "yeah I've nearly caught up to you." At first  I didn't understand what he meant, then  I remembered the speech! the one given at the 12 week challenged dinner at the pub. Being  asked how much weight I'd lost since joining the gym. Another you said you'd never get back to this point moment for me in two days :(,  I didn't clarify that I'd gained weight, which would mean that he's achieved far more in a few month than what I've taken  2.5 years to achieve.

It's all good and while I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, I'm not  I am simply getting it out so I can move on and move forward. Genfit is inspiring me and I feel really excited for what I can do there.

Have a great weekend.

Ok this week has been really eye opening, considering it's only hump day WOW.  As far as life goes the start of this week, has  really challenged me to step outside my comfort zone. Abandon  some of my doubt filled, fear consumed thoughts, embrace what my life is becoming and look for ways to learn from everything. This is all  stemming from a conversation I had with an intellectual whose mind I find fascinating along with his amazing fitness aesthetic :-)

So these are the main  points I picked up on, physical/ mental transformation, like what I am trying to achieve,  may take a lot longer than I ever anticipated. It's going to be  something I will  be working on for a long time to come,  that's ok! I  don't  need stress about it so much , everything happens for a reason. I need to reflect on what happens and what I learn from it and move on.

Second embrace learning!
It's no secret, my plan is  to do cert III and IV in fitness ideally when I was where I wanted to be was the goal, but since life is to short and I could wait a long time to reach that point I enrolled this morning online.
 Everything happening for a reason, my life changing moments always seem to come from meeting the person who challenges me at the bottom of the escalators at the local shopping centre hahaha.

  I had planned to have started studying by December, I desperately want to embark on the journey I was asked to as part of the art n soul program. This past Monday and Tuesday I had been thinking about it again, yesterday I made an unplanned, unexpected visit to the shopping center there was a display and staff member trying to get people interested in learning at the place I had planned to study all along. Look it  made me think now is the time to start don't put it off any longer, yet I still avoided eye contact and kind of said if it's meant to be he will approach . Did a couple of things was just about to pass him and then he asked the question " have you thought about studying?" Here was my sign or that's how I am choosing to see it.

 I have since spoken to  someone about doing it on campus,  it just does not  suit my family so this morning at 3:30AM I enrolled online!

 I still can't believe it, there really is  no more procrastinating,  I am doing it :-) I am  so excited to learn what I can. I still don't plan to work in the fitness industry, that was kind of interesting to explain,  when speaking with the staff member who was trying to get me to study,  but who knows what the future holds...



Can't believe how much my life has changed in really what is a relative short space of time. Everything just seems to be working out the way it was supposed to.

Loving genfit ( highly recommend it ) o far, I've found I really need to be in  my own world with my headphones in, to just focus on what I'm doing.
After watching a few Wednesday sessions,  I seriously doubted my ability to make it through a cardio day because I don't box like I used to, I don't run, don't do cardio at all like I used to and felt my fitness was gone, but I made it through my modified version of the session and felt like vomiting a few times so I'm happy with that effort.

Will be interesting to see what happens over the next 6 weeks, hoping my fitness builds with kayaking and all the fun runs I've signed up for ;-)

Now to not hurt my knee tomorrow of legs day and I will be feeling on top of the world!

So today is the start of genfit, I am prepared to give it my all and see what happens. Accepting of what I need to do to support my body and hopeful it will be able to cope with training.

I am starting from today to accept my body, accept that it will only perform if I respect it, pushing it to far will bring consequences I don't want and stressing over the stuff I can't do in the gym because of injury is stupid.

Recovery from an operation, which let's be honest I thought it was a claytons operation ( as in not real only a scope and scrape of arthritis) takes time. I still find the strength on my right leg ( post surgery) when doing single leg press is far less than my left,which is still waiting for surgery. The physiotherapist has said to  expect recovery to take longer on that side, I under estimated just  how important continued rehab is for months after as my body is repairing and healing. How have I helped that a long? Eating nutritiously or eating emotionally and drinking a bit? I am sure my fluctuating not consistent eating has not helped.

My focus has been to internal for the past few months, time to embrace the goal I have for outside of myself. My dream is to work with others who struggle in depression and anxiety unhappy with their size, lack of exercise and understanding of nutrition. I want to  do all I can to achieve that which I have a passion for and stop being so self focused. It's almost a year since I was asked to take this on and my excuse was I wanted a qualification to stand behind and wouldn't do it until I had that which I wouldn't start until I reached my goal.  I felt unable to start studying until I felt I was in the right place and instead of working towards it with passion and  hunger,  I have  let it slip into nowhere part of my brain. It's still something I desperately want to do, so there is my goal to work towards, less self focus more outward focus.

I just have to say, I love chatting with people who are passionate about fitness, health, minds and bodies and their wisdom always  gets me thinking. Thanks CP appreciate your time.

I've been thinking a lot about goals this past week and trying to work out exactly why I let go of mine so easy this year?

I think it all started  in Feb the finality of  when my plans to go overseas for a tummy tuck  fell through. I  lost sight of that end goal, my ultimate dream to achieve the body I wanted, that  I was aiming for with having the surgery after I'd lost the fat. Then a couple of weeks later my knee problems started just after I had committed to 6 months of pt and a plan which immediately was modified  and from there I let it all unravel within me.

How do you let go of a goal so easily? Am I lacking the strength to stay committed, do I lack some vital dna that gives you that drive to push through?

My current goal to smash the next 7 weeks  gain strength and lose fat joining the genfit group, do I feel confident in that goal now? NO and this is why.

I have not written this down  because I was trying to ignore it, for fear of what it will mean for beginning training this week.

 My knee has been bothering me since Thursday when I joined in the genfit session. When I came home and foam rolled, it sounded like I was walking over broken glass crunching and grinding each time I rolled over the outside. Since then I've had  pain where I assume the tear/ damage is, stiffness and my patella is  moving in and out with almost every step I take. Sitting causes pain more than anything and at the moment standing for more than a few minutes is painful, so once again it looks like things will not be going the way I planned.

 I thinking was  if I just rested, rolled and rubbed it with anti inflammatory gel it would be ok, but now I fear there is probably more to it than that.

And I've been unable to get my shoulder back in for almost a month now, it's hard not to wonder why this all has to happen now, why couldn't my body just hold together until I'd lost the fat :-)

It's going to be a good day I've decided no matter what happens!

Super excited to of found a recreational exercise Scott and I both want to pursue :-) for years he tried to get me into bike riding and while I don't hate it, I certainly do no enjoy sitting on a bike and riding for hours urgh!  Mountain biking kind of seems like fun,  but he does not want me to try that for fear I may break :-)

Last weekend we both had a little go in some kayaks while at Lake Tyers and I said to him this would be something I'd love to do, fast forward a week and he's been researching and researching and researching. Short of giving them a try out I think we've worked out what we are going to get and I'm really looking forward to it. I am not looking at touring in a kayak just a little paddling so it should be heaps of fun.

If your not doing something you love, with the one you love then you should be :-)

Ready to kick of with the genfit crew next week, such a great group of people lets hope I don't break...

Yesterday I had a great day, really enjoyed the intensity of my training my food was good and I was feeling really determined to get through to Christmas excited for where I will be.

Then I was going to bed and I thought I would jump on the scales to see how much damage my 4 days away had done, it wasn't pretty and it completely changed my thought process to the point my husband said "what's wrong you were fine a minute a go and now you are really sad?" I said I just stood on the scales and what stared back at me was not nice. His response was simple well don't stand on them again, if that's how they make you feel. Much easier said than done, I go through phases of weighing every day then I don't weigh for a few weeks. I just need a balance of being accountable without it ruining the way I feel, either making me think it's ok to "cheat" or I need to be more restrictive with what I'm doing.

It's so easy to say and think  I'm not going to worry about numbers but I do we as women generally do, when the numbers  are larger than were they were a year ago I worry a lot about when it's going to start going the way I want it to.

Today I realised more than ever,  if I continue to pin my hope on  being " happy" with myself at x weight,  I am probably never going to be happy. Am I saying I don't think my goal is achievable no. what I am saying is,  I have seen it,  even when you think you've achieved a goal, life happens and it can change without you doing anything wrong.

Today I made someone cry, a lady whom I so admire, for all she has achieved in the past 6 months and told her so in person,  which for her was a reminder that since that photo, circumstances  out of her control, have caused her numbers to change and she's sad about it.

 It made me sad,  to think that someone so inspiring can be so hard on themselves and yes the light bulb moment came,  I know I've been there, willing to dismiss compliments and encouragement because it seems fake because my numbers are so not where they should be!  So in honour of all women who try to be the best they can be and struggle to be a "number" that makes them  feel like your worthy. I am going to accept me, who I am,  yeah look the package needs work, I am doing what I can and you know what  I am awesome! I am happy  because I managed to push my body harder than I have in a long while today  and I am going to do all I can to enjoy who I am in this minute! not in year, 6 months from now when the number is more appealing, every minute of the journey from now on.

thank you to the genfit crew for letting me gate crash their training

I've been blessed again, here to say I was given another opportunity to wake up take a breath and start my day knowing it's in my power to make it the best it can be. I don't just mean in terms of my health and fitness goals, I mean in terms of engaging with the life around me, being who I am supposed to be.

Granted I  do not always end the day with a sense of accomplishment, yet I continue to believe my best is yet to come. 

Today I tried out the genfit session ( thanks for letting me gate crash guys) I don't know why I was fearful of it but I am happy for the tired ache in my legs, the sweat  on my back and the way it all makes  me feel   <3 that from exercise. I love pushing my body to try and achieve something more than it did yesterday or the week before. Exercise is a drug for me, the more I do the more I want, this time I am determined to just let my body do what it can and not pushing it to far. 

Granted, most of this year it has felt like one step forward 10 steps backward with regard to my strength but today I feel the rebuilding of muscles is coming together, hope for what will come and a vision of what I want. :-)

Time to chase those other dreams I've been putting on the back burner for when I felt I had achieved my fat loss goal.

Trying to make each food decision with the simple thought. Does this fuel me, or is it something I am wanting for emotional  satisfaction only?

 Today I knew my post training meal should include some carbs ( longest wait for vitargo from my supplement supplier ever ;-) ) <-------- Yoda!!!!! after training but have no sweet potato or brown rice so my other options were bread or a piece of fruit. Now my default would be bread not gonna lie but I know it's glue in my gut,  I made the decision to stop and think about why I would eat the bread instead  of a piece of fruit?  nutritionally one  completely unprocessed  in it's natural form the other highly processed and likely to make me bloat.... 

Had a wonderful weekend away in the camper, loved relaxing  with my family and friends. I  really  wish I could of made it to the beach for another boogie board session with Noah, the weather did not want to co operate.
Scott would also like to buy a canoe that we can use together as that was heaps of fun paddling as well.

Home and back to the plan for eating for nutrition and fuel and not eating for any other reason :) also trying to decide, what exactly is my exercise routine going to change to , do I just do my own thing at the gym join the other  local gym with some friends so I can do water exercise with them as well as my other training or join in the genfit  program that is currently running at the gym I am a member of? I honestly do not know what to do, part of me thinks it's time for a change part of me thinks it's time just to change my attitude and give something 100%.

I never thought I would say this but really missed my foam roller while I was away, my legs really need a good 1/2 hour to release the muscles after my beach session with the boys, from my knees right down to my calves were burning for three days.

Have a wonderful Wednesday and hopefully next week I have a clearer plan on what I am doing.

Today my almost former pt :( tortured me, the unease and discomfort he made me feel  was by far the worst he's every forced me to endure!! it didn't stop when I wanted it to, I just wanted to be any where but in a room with him.

We were not  training,  he was asking me questions that I wanted to avoid, making me face myself, my goals, what I want to achieve and the answers I had to give had to be real,  I did not like it,  not one little bit. I did not like it on the chair, I did not wish to answer there, he asked me once he asked me twice he just simply is not nice!

Then I had to get weighed and measure :( to say it was depressing would be an understatement I felt deflated and devastated at what was written down but the good news is I can change it so that when I re do it there is no longer and overwhelming sense of failure for where I am.

 plan: Check

preparation is the key for me to succeed I need to plan out the social events and know what I need to do to survive without straying off my plan and goal. It's going to be hard but I know it will be worth it.

 I have approx 2 more weeks of one on one personal training then I will be on my own, it's really really sad and I don't want to give it up but it's time to accept it's not possible at this time to continue. I cannot let it be said that it wasn't the best decision I ever made in regard to my health, fitness and happiness.

This is some of  what I have learn't from almost 2.5 years of one- one personal training with Sean. NEVER GIVE UP!

I am stronger than I think, not physically really  as I'm a bit weak as a 60 year old granny right now, I am capable of anything I chose to believe I can achieve, my body needs to be respected, nourished, motivated and kept  moving according to my ability and goals.
 The only way that can happen is to remain positive ,  make a plan and don't allow yourself to be side tracked by what you want right now for what you want overall, don't give in to emotion, remain focused, consistent and never ever disobey the trainers advice you pay them for a reason.

So going to miss being able to trust and rely on his knowledge to see me through a training session without injury.

Much respect, appreciation and love for all you have helped me achieve thus far, your endurance when I've been a stubborn shit and your support the many times I've fallen apart.

There are never enough successive days pain/injury free that allow me to feel like I have been able to gain back some of the life I wasted living so long unhealthy and obese.

 The damage my lifestyle caused to the only body I have is beyond redemption it feels like. Sure I am in a much better place, but the long term damage cannot be undone. Arthritis, joint stability worn out cartilage all happening before they should why?  because I abused my body when not exercising eating well and when exercising I have still been abusing my body.

This week I managed to have my shoulder fall out of place, I know when it happens and it's not dislocated just slips out of it's socket and feel like it's pulling forward and that there is a tendon squished in there. So knowing most of the week it wasn't right, knowing on Thursday when dead lifting and doing t rows it wasn't sitting in properly, but continuing to train what do I do Friday but try to  box. Again first push up and I know it's not right but don't stop for at least another 15 mins when I simply cannot lift it anymore without pain shooting down my bicep. I wan't ignoring the pain, just wasn't sure was it my brain giving up or should I keep going? I am a bit of a sook and not sure if my pain tolerance holds me back sometimes.

 Resting for two days will hopefully fix it up for next week, I am motivated to do amazing things over the next 17 weeks until my 40th birthday.

My pt likes to sit down and map out with a distinct plan what my goals are? It always makes me feel like the principal is calling me to his office ( a bit like a coffee date with Michelle Sanders :-) ) anyway trying to avoid it I sent him a note with my goals written down which really have not altered since I sat down with him 12 months. His response was that he remembered them, where had they been? I responded with sarcasm but it was partly true, hidden under the chocolate and ice cream and every other food I chose to consume that did not align with my goals, there has been many choices over the last few months/ year that show my commitment to my goal was not top of my list of things to achieve.

This week has been a one step, one day at a time and it's been a good week for the most part. I hope it remains over the weekend and I can begin to see my body transform the way it needs to, to reach my goal by 23/2

People come into your life for a reason, I can honestly say with regard to my health and fitness building trust and rapport with people is important, believing in, following and listening to the advice given is equally important. I love the people I have met through this journey so far that inspire, encourage and support me. THANK YOU

 I am a little stubborn and can sometimes push the buttons of my pt and sometimes I can just do really stupid and completely wrong things in his opinion. Not going to lie, it hurt a bit when he said I was looking for a quick fix trying IF  rather than changing my lifestyle,cannot deny  it was honest and I needed to face the truth of what he was getting at.
 I am blessed that he is my pt, not saying there are not other awesome ones out there, I know there are a few of them work at the gym and I know online. Finding the right one for you can sometimes be hard work and I am just really happy that my journey led me to him,  that he has never ever given up working with me, even through all the stupid he continues to support my efforts to be the best version of me I can be. Sorry Sean, I promise straight and narrow for the last month of one on one  pt no messing with your plan....

Another part of my thank you is to Mariana the owner of the gym I attend, we were having a chat and a cuppa in her office last week and she again challenged me to change who I am being at the moment and acknowledge what I can do.

So my really happy part to this morning legs day and feeling my butt burn doing squats YEAH!

So today has been interesting, challenging, confronting and real! Thank you M Yoda and Fabian for being honest with me.

 I thought trying IF was the right thing to do, it just seemed to be so easy and I'm not going to lie, I have felt incredible in the mornings without food in my belly at  training, even this morning later training and cardio, it felt really good doing it fasted and not eating until at least 12PM has not bothered me. I haven't been sleeping great, but I never do, I have noticed it's been even harder for me to get back to sleep if I wake up and  this week my caffeine level has been on the high side, while short term not an issue, I do not want to be reliant of caffeine to get me through to the eating window.

These were all issues I expected and thought it was something that would take time for my body to adjust to and was prepared for that. The problem with not eating until 12 was it became  easy and I was starting to think just this morning" well why not hold off till 2 or maybe I could add another 24 hour fast into my week."As I said I feel great, is that a reason to keep going? I thought so, until chatting with the owner of my gym and receiving a very real text from my pt, it made me question why I was doing this?

 What do I gain long term from doing this? Am I purely opting  for a quick fix or do I plan to make this a lifestyle? Do I put my body under potential health complications, it's well documented IF does not work great for females let alone ones already physically compromised. Is losing fat more important than trying to keep my body well and healthy? If my restoration and repairing time is already compromised is it worth doing something that may potentially be more harmful, just because it feels good doesn't make it right??

If I am really honest with myself and my readers I have to admit what I admitted to my dh and the owner of my gym. My problem was never having the food under control, I was able to lose my weight through excessive exercise for the most part,  the most I managed to stay completely on track was 6 weeks and I showed myself what I could accomplish if I did that, it's time to dig deep and not be swayed by emotion.

I have one month of pt left roughly and as my dh pointed out Sean will be glad to see the back of you, sorry Yoda :(

I decided this last week to give IF a go, a friend has been doing it for a few weeks and has had remarkable results losing 10kgs in just over 6 weeks and while her routine works for her, I know it's not right for me. so I asked for advice from a pt I know who has used IF in the past with success (def not yoda), who is against fasting in any way. The pt I asked also made a point of saying it will not be something that will have the same results long term as it does short term and that I will most likely need to return to eating more frequent small meals at some point  in the future to continue getting results. I gave it a 10 week time frame or until Christmas to see what happens, I want to change the way I feel about food and eating.  

 I know there are many of my readers who will disagree with the idea of fasting and especially exercising fasted and not eating for another 6 hours after exercising ( I do have 20grams of bcaa post training),  that's ok it's not going to work for everyone. For me I have been amazed at how I feel in the mornings, and my ability to train with no food consumed before hand, I expect this coming week it will not be great as it has been this week,  I am currently trying to deplete all my glycogen stores and am eating very very low carb, that will change after and initial 10 days or so, I just need to give my body a clean slate to start this off properly and well it's no secret I am a sugar addict.

During the fasted state I  drink black coffee and black coffee with coconut oil ( keeps the body burning fat) and herbal tea. I am generally more alert and aware and don't feel so sleepy, so for now I will continue with my trial and see what happens. 

It's hard to really express what I am going through, trying to make others understand your thoughts on something so personal like trying to change your life, feeling like a failure and having those feelings exposed publicly like this blog. 

Then there are people who look at you, see your size  and say things like " just do this and this and this and you won't fail, you'll be successful lose weight and that's it."

 I wish it was that easy, I wish I could just instantly change who I've become in the past few months and be who I was 6 months ago, I honestly do not know what happened to change me into who I am at the moment and how lost I feel. 

2013 was supposed to be the year I shined, broke through my weight loss plateau and conquered this fitness goals I had, instead it's been a year of weight gain and injuries and I've fallen into it all with a sense of hopelessness that this is where I am destined to be. Struggling and fighting but never really overcoming all that's held me captive for so long food and my body. 

Friday night my gym had a dinner to present the winners of our recent 12 week challenge with their awards, the hard working dedicated participants of the challenge also  received a participation medallion. I was really enjoying the night and celebrating with those who did so well, then during the presentations my pt  gave a speech congratulating me,  on all I'd achieved, I felt so undeserving of his lovely speech and praise talking about all I've achieved and the award in general.I just wanted the ground to swallow me, here I was sitting with women and men  who had achieved amazing results and I did not earn of deserve any of the recognition they did at that point. I don't want to feel like that anymore. 

I want to be better, feel better look better so I am not feeling like I've let everyone who has supported and believed in me down. So I am trying something unconventional and against all that I've been told, in an attempt to alter the person I am ashamed of that I  have become,  back to the person I was starting to be proud of and all that I have achieved. 

Ok  so today was a shopping experience I would rather forget, in order to acknowledge it change it and learn from it, I need to own it!I purchased a pair of 3/4 pants that should of fitted no problem, they were the same size as some jeans I bought recently and a size larger than what I wore last year.

I am not living in denial I am full aware there has been and increase in my size in the last year, mostly the last 5 months, I accept it but hadn't realised the reality of how that affected me until this morning.. I know you are possibly thinking just buy a larger size and while that was an option it felt like I was saying I give up, I have become hopeless and I might as well accept where I am at, it's unlikely to get any better and just live with it, problem is I don't want to. I've had enough of feeling less because of how out of hand I've let myself get.

Giving up is just not an option, nd the only way I can beat this is to just freakin do it! I am to young to live like such and old person because my joints can't support my body.

Deleted my blogs from the last year, because I do not feel that I am that person any more and dwelling on the past is not going to help me. I read a post of someone who struggles with some of the things I do especially binging and my weight going up since surgery and my  lack of ability in training is a reaction to life, I need to choose how the reaction will go and getting frustrated and upset about it will not change it.
So once and for all I am pushing aside the me that is full of self doubt and negative thoughts of failing if I entertain that idea that's exactly where I will end up.

From this moment I am going to be determined, consistent and not give up, no matter what happens with my faulty body!