1st day of summer and what a glorious day it is, hoping to take the kayaks out for a paddle again this afternoon. I will be responsible and only go for a little paddle and protecting my body as much as possible ready for the week ahead.

This is my accountability with myself and the world!

Today December 1 what will change? There is plenty I can change  within  me and outside of me. I accept my role in changing and  I am going to start with taking  the focus off myself, my fat loss, getting fit and healthy  and place it with my family.

 We will do more together, love more and be more. Starting with putting up our christmas tree...

I don't want to be consumed any longer with how I look and how much  I want that to change, I am not that important there is a lot more in this world to focus on than the size of your own butt.

Less blogging about me more blogging about life.

Friday night I was able to support a lady who I find inspiring, she  is doing a 1/2 marathon next weekend for breast cancer research. Her inspiration is not in that she is a fitness machine although she is.  She is passionate about everything she does and that is obvious when you meet her, she is a busy mum of 4 and does super fun and exciting things with and for her kids, runs her own business is passionate about that and all she does. What a fantastic role model she is for her children, I want my kids to be inspired by me not depressed because their mum was unhappy with herself all their childhood.

I am inspired by the quiet, consistent, loving way my friend engages with those around her. Super organised with everything, study, work, home duties, exercise, eating,  she always makes time for me and always makes me feel valued and loved.

I am thank full for these people and many others.

Thank you that I am able to breath another day and enjoy my life.

It's no secret that this shit is hard, changing the way you do things for years and years can sometimes take years and year and it's life long.
One thing I've come to accept is  there are no 1/2 way to achieving your goals, and tip toeing around like you can live 1/2 committed and 1/2 not is no way to live.
So knowing that and accepting all the things I have fumbled with along the way, I've decided to stop trying to be consistent with  clean eating, give up exercising and start binge drinking and sitting on my ass doing nothing.

Jokes I've actually decided to cut my self reliance on  sugar and all it's fake varieties once and for all so today is day one and my head feels like it's verging on an intense headache which could either be sugar withdrawl ( no fruit and I've been having Scott's protein bars a lot more than I should :-( ) or it's just the remaining blood pump from the awfully intense for me being unfit, cardio session this morning.....

My knee is hurting so bad at the moment, I think I may of torn it more or it's just not coping with the amount I'm trying to make it do, so I am cutting my training back further and just doing what Yoda says.....My ribs and hips are better but still causing a bit of burn every now and then so will see my osteopath again on Friday I sound like a whinger I know, but  all in all I am still a walking disaster area but it's all liveable and adaptable :) so i keep going....

I don't know if you saw it last week or not, there was a video of a police artist  drawing portraits of people described from their own mouths and comparing them with pictures described by a stranger. The self described portraits were much more critical and unappealing to the ones described by others who had just met these people. It bought home the lesson I've heard taught over and over in the Art n Soul program we are quick to compare the worst we see in ourselves with the best in someone else.

Yesterday it was kind of like a real life reflection of this video for me, I mentioned how I got up and the scales were not being nice in yesterday's blog and I was feeling a bit blah with how I look at the moment, thinking about Christmas and how the last two years I've gained a bit of weight and the thought that it would compound the damage already done is making me stress a bit because there is less than 12 weeks until the big 40!

 I was out and stopped into work and  I bumped into someone I haven't seen since April. During the conversation she told me how amazing I am looking and asked how my gym is going, at first I thought amazing are you kidding me I've put on x amount of weight since I saw you but I did not voice that thought I just said thank you, not really taking on board the compliment because that's not what I see or feel in fact I feel less than average with what I see in the mirror at the moment.  Then last night, I was boxing and a lady who I've known pretty much since I've joined the gym said the same thing to me, wow you look amazing, you looking really good. I was again shocked and thought surely she could see how much weight I've gained, but I thanked her again not really seeing what she was seeing and wondering how two people could possible say that.

After the class I was walking to the car and I said to my husband the weirdest thing happened today, twice I was told I look amazing, I think these two ladies need to come in and see Ryan for an eye test. He turned and said you do look amazing when are you going to realise that,  in that moment I thought about that video and thought to myself I am just like those people. Maybe the lady in the gym could see the happiness on my face because I was in there to box, maybe I need to stop focusing so much on what I see in the mirror and start focusing on what makes me happy it clearly changes the way I am viewed...

It's funny how people say things and then their behaviour contradicts that statement, I believe someone influential said to me just a few weeks ago " I don't care what you do, it's your body" clearly that's not the case :-) thank you that you do care.

Genfit this morning and then work, then kids sport and trying to study in the car while watching Caleb train for the first time in 6 weeks...

Time to break one of my current standing addictions, coffee I can detox it, I know I have done it before and then as soon as I start not worrying about it my consumption gets to much. Yesterday I had 4 coffees which doesn't seem extreme to a lot of people but most were double shots so not great.

Had lots of pain in my knee yesterday, think it is because I have been wearing haviana's all week and then going to work yesterday I put my regular shoes on with orthotics.

Last Tuesday I did something to my rib and upper back  during training, it wasn't to painful just hurt to take a deep  breath and I couldn't lie on my side at all. Went and saw my osteopath and he worked on it, explaining that with an injury like mine if I'd woken up with it and seen him straight away it would probably only need one treatment, but because I continued training for 3 days it may take longer to heal good news is it feels heaps better and it's only saw really in one spot now.

There is no change to my weight this week,  which when your weighing in as an accountability tool  with a friend makes it seem like you've achieved nothing ! Yet this week I pushed myself physically harder than I have in a long time, said NO to eating ice cream and have prepared and eaten to my plan all week. I want to be happy with that, but I know I currently  measure success in seeing those digits diminish and return to the ones they were...

It's easy to fall into old habits, I know I am not alone in this as I read the same things over and over on ig and facebook from people who have started changing their life, had dramatic weight/ fat loss ( I do not consider my achievements dramatic)  and then for whatever reason slip backwards for a period of time.

Now there is nothing I can do to change the past, living in who I was 6 months ago or a year ago is not going to change who I am now. I need to find it within myself the ability to push past what has held me back and kept me failing for so long. Consistency with new habits is the one thing that will change my life and I now that.

I read an interesting article yesterday that really made me take stock of the mistakes I've made over the last 2.5 years. I made the decision to work with a pt, to gain knowledge and information from him and then I questioned the knowledge that was given to me, the biggest mistake a client can make. I did not understand how it undermined what I was doing, that questioning knowledge provided by someone I was paying to provide me with their knowledge. I took a trust relationship and threw doubt into all that I was told, both with regards to training and nutrition, I can't get back to experience to make it more than it was and  I feel sad that I missed the opportunity. The opportunity  to really embrace what was potentially the most important thing for me to do trust Sean 100%.

Today is a fresh start, I can take what I know, ignore the background noise that challenges what I have learnt and trust in the process more than ever before. I don't expect over night success but I am determined to not let myself be trapped where I am now.

Have a super Sunday.

Every time I log in here, I think about changing my banner photo, I cringe at it and  then I think you know what as exposed as I feel that people see it, I am really happy I decided to change my life, the change within me has been amazing. You may find the photo yuck but I didn't post it for you it was for my own motivation and to feel a sense of achievement in what I had done.

So happy that I  finally made the decision to study, I am patiently waiting  for my books to arrive, being eager to study is so unlike me :-). Already watched some of the training videos kind of weird the two people participating in the training video's  are called Kelly and Sean.

I am so loving my new training, so glad I decided I would give genfit  a try, rather than just do my own training. It's funny being in a group setting  after doing 1-1 pt for most of the year,  but also really nice to be with a group of people.

Struggling to find something that feels right with regards to food plans, something I can see myself sticking to forever,  I have tried just eating 6-8 meals a day of protein, plant food and good fats every 2.5- 3 hours without worrying about calories only eating carbs around training.  I don't like it,  I don't feel in control if there are no limits, I swear that since I started eating like this I eat more food because I seem to always feel hungry  every 2.5- 3 hours.

 I have tried just counting calories based on what myfitnesspal recommends which is a lot less protein and fats but heaps of carbs.
I've tried using my fitness pal  and going off the recommendations of iifym which is lower carbs high fat and high protein, I found some days I would just feel blah some days I would feel fine.

I gave IF a go, which I found ok.  I didn't mind not eating in the morning and seemed to be coping ok but as it's not seen as a viable long term option I suppose being told I was looking for a quick fix rather than changing my life style was true.  I decided after being reprimanded,  to listen to those who told me not to do it and stopped.

Currently I am just trying to make better choices each meal and not be consumed by it all. My body is slowly getting back to where it was and I am slowly, slowly making progress on my goals. I need to up the anti a bit and maybe incorporate some more bike riding for cardio urgh....

It's funny how your perception of what is horrible and not attractive can be someone else's positive. These  words  came from a 6 year old last night. " Mum I love your chubby, fat tummy it makes me feel all cuddly when I hug you." Oh Eva Rubes your a sweet heart but mummy does not like her chubby fat tummy and if it was possible to pick up a knife and cut it off I probably would.

This past weekend I had a fun out and while I am unhappy with some aspects of myself that were present in the photo's I saw. I am really focused on how happy I was and how different the night would of been had I not made the decision to be better.

This week has been about being better, better than yesterday better than I thought I could be. Focus on my prize and what I want.

Loving genfit and hope this is the way to get my body to be how I want it to be.

There is always hope for change, hope for new beginning, hope for understanding, hope for my children to do better than I have, hope for chains to be broken so the past can be left where it should and the future embraced.

Warning feeling emotional and not in a fantastic mood

In March 2012 I started this blog, for myself, to be reflective and to get out some of the frustrations I had with myself and I enjoyed reading the blogs of others who were travelling the same path I was. I have deleted most of my posts for varying reasons as I knew some how I would regret some of the information I gave to the public. This week twice I have felt shame for things I've put on here that have come back to me.

Two weeks ago I was shopping with some friends, we were looking in a plus size store while a friend purchased something, I tried on a dress, a dress which is a size 14 or xs by their sizing it was just a simple maxi strapless dress. I loved it, loved the style loved the colours and was thinking about buying it to wear this weekend. One of the friends I was shopping with trying to be supportive said " No you are not buying it, you are not going to get comfortable buying clothes in this store again." I felt ashamed, ashamed that here I put myself  in this position, humiliated because I'd allowed myself to gain weight.
I felt hurt because of those words, I know it wasn't the intention and they were said out of love. Yesterday again, she pointed out that I'd put it on my blog that I never wanted to be buying clothes in a plus sized store. Here my words came back to me , I never realised how being vulnerable and allowing people to see this side of me could potentially cause me to feel like this.
My  default reaction is to find my shame in this kind of situation and trust me I feel it. I also did not understand the power my blog had to hurt me and here it was laid out for me pure and simple. I was doing something I hoped to never do be  buying clothes in a store that says I am larger than "normal people"is not something I planned to ever do again. :( I just don't think stuffing myself into clothes that don't fit like a sausage, just so I can pretend I have not gained weight and  say I still fit a particular size is the right thing to do either.

This morning I had another encounter that made me again feel shame, I know I know Trudy. I was complimenting a guy on how much he has achieved and he responded saying "yeah I've nearly caught up to you." At first  I didn't understand what he meant, then  I remembered the speech! the one given at the 12 week challenged dinner at the pub. Being  asked how much weight I'd lost since joining the gym. Another you said you'd never get back to this point moment for me in two days :(,  I didn't clarify that I'd gained weight, which would mean that he's achieved far more in a few month than what I've taken  2.5 years to achieve.

It's all good and while I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, I'm not  I am simply getting it out so I can move on and move forward. Genfit is inspiring me and I feel really excited for what I can do there.

Have a great weekend.

Ok this week has been really eye opening, considering it's only hump day WOW.  As far as life goes the start of this week, has  really challenged me to step outside my comfort zone. Abandon  some of my doubt filled, fear consumed thoughts, embrace what my life is becoming and look for ways to learn from everything. This is all  stemming from a conversation I had with an intellectual whose mind I find fascinating along with his amazing fitness aesthetic :-)

So these are the main  points I picked up on, physical/ mental transformation, like what I am trying to achieve,  may take a lot longer than I ever anticipated. It's going to be  something I will  be working on for a long time to come,  that's ok! I  don't  need stress about it so much , everything happens for a reason. I need to reflect on what happens and what I learn from it and move on.

Second embrace learning!
It's no secret, my plan is  to do cert III and IV in fitness ideally when I was where I wanted to be was the goal, but since life is to short and I could wait a long time to reach that point I enrolled this morning online.
 Everything happening for a reason, my life changing moments always seem to come from meeting the person who challenges me at the bottom of the escalators at the local shopping centre hahaha.

  I had planned to have started studying by December, I desperately want to embark on the journey I was asked to as part of the art n soul program. This past Monday and Tuesday I had been thinking about it again, yesterday I made an unplanned, unexpected visit to the shopping center there was a display and staff member trying to get people interested in learning at the place I had planned to study all along. Look it  made me think now is the time to start don't put it off any longer, yet I still avoided eye contact and kind of said if it's meant to be he will approach . Did a couple of things was just about to pass him and then he asked the question " have you thought about studying?" Here was my sign or that's how I am choosing to see it.

 I have since spoken to  someone about doing it on campus,  it just does not  suit my family so this morning at 3:30AM I enrolled online!

 I still can't believe it, there really is  no more procrastinating,  I am doing it :-) I am  so excited to learn what I can. I still don't plan to work in the fitness industry, that was kind of interesting to explain,  when speaking with the staff member who was trying to get me to study,  but who knows what the future holds...



Can't believe how much my life has changed in really what is a relative short space of time. Everything just seems to be working out the way it was supposed to.

Loving genfit ( highly recommend it ) o far, I've found I really need to be in  my own world with my headphones in, to just focus on what I'm doing.
After watching a few Wednesday sessions,  I seriously doubted my ability to make it through a cardio day because I don't box like I used to, I don't run, don't do cardio at all like I used to and felt my fitness was gone, but I made it through my modified version of the session and felt like vomiting a few times so I'm happy with that effort.

Will be interesting to see what happens over the next 6 weeks, hoping my fitness builds with kayaking and all the fun runs I've signed up for ;-)

Now to not hurt my knee tomorrow of legs day and I will be feeling on top of the world!

So today is the start of genfit, I am prepared to give it my all and see what happens. Accepting of what I need to do to support my body and hopeful it will be able to cope with training.

I am starting from today to accept my body, accept that it will only perform if I respect it, pushing it to far will bring consequences I don't want and stressing over the stuff I can't do in the gym because of injury is stupid.

Recovery from an operation, which let's be honest I thought it was a claytons operation ( as in not real only a scope and scrape of arthritis) takes time. I still find the strength on my right leg ( post surgery) when doing single leg press is far less than my left,which is still waiting for surgery. The physiotherapist has said to  expect recovery to take longer on that side, I under estimated just  how important continued rehab is for months after as my body is repairing and healing. How have I helped that a long? Eating nutritiously or eating emotionally and drinking a bit? I am sure my fluctuating not consistent eating has not helped.

My focus has been to internal for the past few months, time to embrace the goal I have for outside of myself. My dream is to work with others who struggle in depression and anxiety unhappy with their size, lack of exercise and understanding of nutrition. I want to  do all I can to achieve that which I have a passion for and stop being so self focused. It's almost a year since I was asked to take this on and my excuse was I wanted a qualification to stand behind and wouldn't do it until I had that which I wouldn't start until I reached my goal.  I felt unable to start studying until I felt I was in the right place and instead of working towards it with passion and  hunger,  I have  let it slip into nowhere part of my brain. It's still something I desperately want to do, so there is my goal to work towards, less self focus more outward focus.

I just have to say, I love chatting with people who are passionate about fitness, health, minds and bodies and their wisdom always  gets me thinking. Thanks CP appreciate your time.

I've been thinking a lot about goals this past week and trying to work out exactly why I let go of mine so easy this year?

I think it all started  in Feb the finality of  when my plans to go overseas for a tummy tuck  fell through. I  lost sight of that end goal, my ultimate dream to achieve the body I wanted, that  I was aiming for with having the surgery after I'd lost the fat. Then a couple of weeks later my knee problems started just after I had committed to 6 months of pt and a plan which immediately was modified  and from there I let it all unravel within me.

How do you let go of a goal so easily? Am I lacking the strength to stay committed, do I lack some vital dna that gives you that drive to push through?

My current goal to smash the next 7 weeks  gain strength and lose fat joining the genfit group, do I feel confident in that goal now? NO and this is why.

I have not written this down  because I was trying to ignore it, for fear of what it will mean for beginning training this week.

 My knee has been bothering me since Thursday when I joined in the genfit session. When I came home and foam rolled, it sounded like I was walking over broken glass crunching and grinding each time I rolled over the outside. Since then I've had  pain where I assume the tear/ damage is, stiffness and my patella is  moving in and out with almost every step I take. Sitting causes pain more than anything and at the moment standing for more than a few minutes is painful, so once again it looks like things will not be going the way I planned.

 I thinking was  if I just rested, rolled and rubbed it with anti inflammatory gel it would be ok, but now I fear there is probably more to it than that.

And I've been unable to get my shoulder back in for almost a month now, it's hard not to wonder why this all has to happen now, why couldn't my body just hold together until I'd lost the fat :-)

It's going to be a good day I've decided no matter what happens!

Super excited to of found a recreational exercise Scott and I both want to pursue :-) for years he tried to get me into bike riding and while I don't hate it, I certainly do no enjoy sitting on a bike and riding for hours urgh!  Mountain biking kind of seems like fun,  but he does not want me to try that for fear I may break :-)

Last weekend we both had a little go in some kayaks while at Lake Tyers and I said to him this would be something I'd love to do, fast forward a week and he's been researching and researching and researching. Short of giving them a try out I think we've worked out what we are going to get and I'm really looking forward to it. I am not looking at touring in a kayak just a little paddling so it should be heaps of fun.

If your not doing something you love, with the one you love then you should be :-)

Ready to kick of with the genfit crew next week, such a great group of people lets hope I don't break...

Yesterday I had a great day, really enjoyed the intensity of my training my food was good and I was feeling really determined to get through to Christmas excited for where I will be.

Then I was going to bed and I thought I would jump on the scales to see how much damage my 4 days away had done, it wasn't pretty and it completely changed my thought process to the point my husband said "what's wrong you were fine a minute a go and now you are really sad?" I said I just stood on the scales and what stared back at me was not nice. His response was simple well don't stand on them again, if that's how they make you feel. Much easier said than done, I go through phases of weighing every day then I don't weigh for a few weeks. I just need a balance of being accountable without it ruining the way I feel, either making me think it's ok to "cheat" or I need to be more restrictive with what I'm doing.

It's so easy to say and think  I'm not going to worry about numbers but I do we as women generally do, when the numbers  are larger than were they were a year ago I worry a lot about when it's going to start going the way I want it to.

Today I realised more than ever,  if I continue to pin my hope on  being " happy" with myself at x weight,  I am probably never going to be happy. Am I saying I don't think my goal is achievable no. what I am saying is,  I have seen it,  even when you think you've achieved a goal, life happens and it can change without you doing anything wrong.

Today I made someone cry, a lady whom I so admire, for all she has achieved in the past 6 months and told her so in person,  which for her was a reminder that since that photo, circumstances  out of her control, have caused her numbers to change and she's sad about it.

 It made me sad,  to think that someone so inspiring can be so hard on themselves and yes the light bulb moment came,  I know I've been there, willing to dismiss compliments and encouragement because it seems fake because my numbers are so not where they should be!  So in honour of all women who try to be the best they can be and struggle to be a "number" that makes them  feel like your worthy. I am going to accept me, who I am,  yeah look the package needs work, I am doing what I can and you know what  I am awesome! I am happy  because I managed to push my body harder than I have in a long while today  and I am going to do all I can to enjoy who I am in this minute! not in year, 6 months from now when the number is more appealing, every minute of the journey from now on.

thank you to the genfit crew for letting me gate crash their training

I've been blessed again, here to say I was given another opportunity to wake up take a breath and start my day knowing it's in my power to make it the best it can be. I don't just mean in terms of my health and fitness goals, I mean in terms of engaging with the life around me, being who I am supposed to be.

Granted I  do not always end the day with a sense of accomplishment, yet I continue to believe my best is yet to come. 

Today I tried out the genfit session ( thanks for letting me gate crash guys) I don't know why I was fearful of it but I am happy for the tired ache in my legs, the sweat  on my back and the way it all makes  me feel   <3 that from exercise. I love pushing my body to try and achieve something more than it did yesterday or the week before. Exercise is a drug for me, the more I do the more I want, this time I am determined to just let my body do what it can and not pushing it to far. 

Granted, most of this year it has felt like one step forward 10 steps backward with regard to my strength but today I feel the rebuilding of muscles is coming together, hope for what will come and a vision of what I want. :-)

Time to chase those other dreams I've been putting on the back burner for when I felt I had achieved my fat loss goal.

Trying to make each food decision with the simple thought. Does this fuel me, or is it something I am wanting for emotional  satisfaction only?

 Today I knew my post training meal should include some carbs ( longest wait for vitargo from my supplement supplier ever ;-) ) <-------- Yoda!!!!! after training but have no sweet potato or brown rice so my other options were bread or a piece of fruit. Now my default would be bread not gonna lie but I know it's glue in my gut,  I made the decision to stop and think about why I would eat the bread instead  of a piece of fruit?  nutritionally one  completely unprocessed  in it's natural form the other highly processed and likely to make me bloat.... 

Had a wonderful weekend away in the camper, loved relaxing  with my family and friends. I  really  wish I could of made it to the beach for another boogie board session with Noah, the weather did not want to co operate.
Scott would also like to buy a canoe that we can use together as that was heaps of fun paddling as well.

Home and back to the plan for eating for nutrition and fuel and not eating for any other reason :) also trying to decide, what exactly is my exercise routine going to change to , do I just do my own thing at the gym join the other  local gym with some friends so I can do water exercise with them as well as my other training or join in the genfit  program that is currently running at the gym I am a member of? I honestly do not know what to do, part of me thinks it's time for a change part of me thinks it's time just to change my attitude and give something 100%.

I never thought I would say this but really missed my foam roller while I was away, my legs really need a good 1/2 hour to release the muscles after my beach session with the boys, from my knees right down to my calves were burning for three days.

Have a wonderful Wednesday and hopefully next week I have a clearer plan on what I am doing.