Yesterday I had a great day, really enjoyed the intensity of my training my food was good and I was feeling really determined to get through to Christmas excited for where I will be.
Then I was going to bed and I thought I would jump on the scales to see how much damage my 4 days away had done, it wasn't pretty and it completely changed my thought process to the point my husband said "what's wrong you were fine a minute a go and now you are really sad?" I said I just stood on the scales and what stared back at me was not nice. His response was simple well don't stand on them again, if that's how they make you feel. Much easier said than done, I go through phases of weighing every day then I don't weigh for a few weeks. I just need a balance of being accountable without it ruining the way I feel, either making me think it's ok to "cheat" or I need to be more restrictive with what I'm doing.
It's so easy to say and think I'm not going to worry about numbers but I do we as women generally do, when the numbers are larger than were they were a year ago I worry a lot about when it's going to start going the way I want it to.
Today I realised more than ever, if I continue to pin my hope on being " happy" with myself at x weight, I am probably never going to be happy. Am I saying I don't think my goal is achievable no. what I am saying is, I have seen it, even when you think you've achieved a goal, life happens and it can change without you doing anything wrong.
Today I made someone cry, a lady whom I so admire, for all she has achieved in the past 6 months and told her so in person, which for her was a reminder that since that photo, circumstances out of her control, have caused her numbers to change and she's sad about it.
It made me sad, to think that someone so inspiring can be so hard on themselves and yes the light bulb moment came, I know I've been there, willing to dismiss compliments and encouragement because it seems fake because my numbers are so not where they should be! So in honour of all women who try to be the best they can be and struggle to be a "number" that makes them feel like your worthy. I am going to accept me, who I am, yeah look the package needs work, I am doing what I can and you know what I am awesome! I am happy because I managed to push my body harder than I have in a long while today and I am going to do all I can to enjoy who I am in this minute! not in year, 6 months from now when the number is more appealing, every minute of the journey from now on.
thank you to the genfit crew for letting me gate crash their training
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