It's been awhile since I posted anything so here are a few random thoughts about health, fitness and life.

Health is more than looking great with and without clothes! I achieved weight loss, I exercised to extreme but  I was not healthy. Did I look better yes, did I feel better yes but my concern was not health my concern was looking acceptable to society so I could feel like I fit in and not stand out ( ironic for a person who has multi coloured hair, tattoo's and clothing that is anything but plain)

Now my focus is on just being able to keep mobile without being stuck in bed again, and no that was no exaggeration when I put my back out it goes into spasm I cannot move this time was the worst ever, pain killers did nothing anti inflammatory drugs did nothing all I could do was rest, ice and move as little as possible until the tension had released.

I honestly thought,  last year when I was told I should not run it was an extreme response and not an actual statement meaning never ever. I mean  surely once I built up my core strength and lost some excess visceral fat I would be able to run? NO!  turns out I am not normal according to my osteopath, I am okay with this knowledge and  after accepting I have " dodgy joints" with little to  no outside cartilage support I will no longer attempt to run on a treadmill or concrete.

4 weeks later and I am still not quite back to normal, there are times when I just move a mm the wrong way and I feel a slight spasm in the joint area that has been affected. I am hoping to be able to return to some kind of training next week, for the past two weeks that keeps getting pushed back due to still being a little broken.

So back to focusing on what I can and that is food, this time of year can be crazy with social times and I don't want it to be like the other 40 and I end up hating who I see in the mirror. Each choice I make during this time  will be intentional, is it going to bring healing and restoration to my tired aching body, is it going to make me feel joy indulging in something that is social and warm and full of love or is it just me being out of sync with my body and trying to fill a void  and nothing else.

I've started reading a book recommended to me the other day by Russ Harris called The Happiness Trap life is not going to be a smooth sail, I am loving it so far.


EDITED My Yoda tattoo while it may appear that I have forever tattooed my pt onto my shoulder it's more than just having a constant reminder to not act like an idiot when exercising. Yoda on my shoulder is about remembering and embracing  all that I have become since meeting him to be able to remember the life I have now that I am living not just existing day to day, that one human being  has been influenced by his knowledge, not just in exercise and fitness but for how to live life. I wanted to keep that for myself.

This blog was started in 2012 as a way to support my fat loss/ weight loss journey, over that time it has helped me blog stuff that I find hard to get out to other people face to face. I have shared the good the bad the ugly my triumphs and my challenges.

I have not really been as transparent with my journey the past 18 month because I have not really accomplished anything physical, I lost 8kg last year but tbh it was such an unhealthy, quick fix I regained it all within a couple of months. I have since battled my mind more than my body and been stuck, until this year and I started gaining weight again and was quickly slipping back into habits of years gone by.

I am not going to make excuses for why I am still working on my life transformation, motivation  wise there is no reason why I have found it so hard to just do it, I should be able to just see the change in the clothes over the past 2.5 years but especially the last 18 months and want to change.

I made the choice a couple of months ago to educate myself with a nutritional program I have tried on and off to follow over the past 3 years but never 100% committed to seeing it through. I wanted to really understand the science behind it and why it is structured the way it is.
I learnt how my mindset has always been off, instead of approaching any 12 week, wanting to shred fat with no thought of what damage I am doing to my metabolism and body function long term. This plan is adjusting that incorrect way of looking at it, with the idea that firstly I am fixing the way my body functions internally followed by ensuring my body is in the right functioning to lose body fat long term.  I cannot expect to lose 30kg in 12 weeks and tbh it will probably take 12 - 18 months of focus, commitment and dedication. I have done it the wrong way and am back to where I was 3.5 years ago but I am looking at being somewhere completely different in 12- 18 months time.

So Monday my friends and I decided to begin a 12 week program, despite some internal struggles and insensitive comments I am more committed to this program than ever before. To the man in the gym this morning who gave me this compliment "I've seen you over the last four weeks and you've lost weight, I can really notice" To which I replied " Thank You" he then followed it up with " I would always look at you in the gym and wonder how you could be so large/ fat and a personal trainer, you've really changed a lot." I was shocked and kind of angry but as usual I just left without saying maybe next time think before adding the insult to the compliment because you have made me feel like crap.

I will be my own advertisement for the program I follow.

This week I had to get my care plan updated which allows me 5 visits to an allied health professional to have my back looked at. This involves having a visit with the nurse at my Dr clinic who weighs me takes me blood pressure and tries to convince me I should add a dietician into my care plan each year.

This year I am a bit heavier than last year and I knew they would recommend the dietician what I did not expect was for her to look at me and make the condescending remark of have you thought about trying to get a 20 minute walk in twice a week to try and incorporate some light planned exercise into your daily activity. I am sick of people asking questions like " When are you due?" and so I rather  replied explaining  I am a qualified pt and am in the gym exercising 3-4 times a week. Granted I was wearing a big bulk hoodie but I really didn't think I looked like someone who has no idea how to exercise.

I may not love all of  what I see in the mirror  at the moment but for the first time in ages, I am feeling okay with myself. I am working towards lowering my visceral fat and not getting caught up in the number on the scales being judged by a health professional who has no clue who I am makes me angry and I know that no matter what I do achieve unless I hit the bmi ratio they believe in I will get this same advice time and time again!

I watched That Sugar film yesterday WOW it was eye opening and I can see why my kids lunches may need an overhaul when a healthy person can gain 8.5kg in 60 days from eating heart approved " healthy" foods no junk or soft drink it makes me horrified for the future of children to come.

My back went out doing a dead ball slam yesterday and I kind of ignored it  by popping an anti inflamatory and pain killer so I could continue with the cardio workout I had just started( stupid decision)

Happy Fathers Day

Hi,

Lets start off with Hope your week is filled with love,energy and hope that invigorates and motivates you!

My life is a little chaotic at the moment, some days I feel like I don't have a minute to  spare then others I feel like there is a lot more I could accomplish.

There is very little balance with all things health and fitness at the moment, my exercise routine is fairly basic and I really need to be consistent and push a little more than what I have been, I remain focused on healing my body ( that was not the case a couple of weeks ago) and understand that process will not change my outside as quickly as I would like.

I had an in body scale measurement done a few weeks ago, that was a bit of an eye opener and it made me look at myself and my goals and think about what I really desire to achieve.

I need to lose a substantial amount of  body fat that is a no brainer,  but according to my body composition if I want to maintain my current muscle mass the weight I should aim for is a lot different to the number I always imagined I would need to get to in order to be the best I can be.  That was a spin out, being told to reach my goal weight would require 0 body fat and to lose a few kg of muscle, yet according to the bmi charts this is the middle of the road for me in terms of kg weight,  it's made my view of where I should be more flexible and more realistic in the short term.

I still struggle with emotional eating and emotional not eating and trying to get it all in sync is a battle but I know I am still far better off each step I take towards my goal then if I just gave up and said Stuff this.

lets see where I can get to in 12 weeks bring it!

What causes food to become a controlling factor of so many peoples happiness? Why is it such a hard thought process to break? Why do some people come up with the thought process of it's just so easy just don't eat this and eat this WOW gees I wish I had of tried that THANK YOU your wisdom has solved the issue for everyone!

Let me tell you it's never more embarrassing than being in the environment I work in and looking like I do, I wish I could just coat every bit of food with a vile substance that would alter the way I react to food to not stray from the nutritional path I know I should follow.

I constantly feel like a fraud, I love my clients but I'm sure deep down they and my group class participants question my understanding of health and fitness because I am not a walking billboard for health and fitness.

Let's be honest I don't sleep well most nights, I am injured and have to modify most activities and I cannot complete a lot of the workouts I set my clients because of the injuries I have. My mind has not caught up with the idea that it's all about nutrition  but I am continually  working on it.

So I have decided August is a month of wholeness, healing and long term  happiness this is going to be my moto when choosing the meals to nourish my body, the way I will talk to myself and the way I will interact with workmates, family and friends.

I had to choose to not participate in my favourite charity this term as my dh felt my time outside the home was almost at full capacity and my exhaustion levels each evening needed to be simplified with less work not adding to it. I am a little sad but know putting my family and my health and well being first will bring about a peace I see.

August whole 30 starts tomorrow.

My life is a bit chaotic at the moment, I am trying to make a living and support my husband by doing 3 jobs plus squeeze in being  a wife and mother. All this takes time but it seems daunting when I am also slowly, slowly  getting my own health and fitness back on track and focusing on  not dillydallying up a path that is leading me in circles.

I find balance is something my day to day routine is very much lacking in at the moment.

My fitness journey was at it's peak about 3 years ago or one year into my weight loss when I was feeling confident I could achive something I had wanted the whole of my adult life. Now I am not sure what that looks like for me anymore,  but for now I am trying to be positive with where I'm at and  who I am.

Sugar and caffeine are still my number 1 combined de railers! I do not containg the will power to just banish them both from my day, but that's no surprise as  I am weak and no coffee at the moment is not an option because I really want to be neutral about sugar and not an absaloute crack head so will focus on sugar elimination once again.

Exercise is minimal still and quite regressed to what I was doing especially legs training, it's hard to believe he is still around but  Sean is still training me after almost 4 years! Seriously  that kid deservers some kind of medal for putting up with my crazy, inconsistent, stubborn self. His dedication to his craft is admirable and I am so much better than I was 4 years ago, even if others find it hard to see I know in my heart the change was significant.

Feel like I'm  sitting at  the heaviest weight Ive been in 2.5 years but the balliesr I've been  with regards to my journey for ages.
I've actually found balance that seems to flow.


Excessive exercise was never the answer when my nutrition was

This is a blog about everything today!

http://www.theonlinecitizen.com/2015/01/why-im-christian-and-hope-that-gay-marriage-is-legalized/

This blog article is pretty much my thoughts on the gay marriage debate, I don't expect you to change your opinion just articulates where I am coming from.


This week has been an eye opener in terms of where I am at health and fitness wise, urgh but at least denial is no longer!Weight is super duper extra sucktastic, my muscle mass is below expected and my body is a little dehydrated.

Back to doing leg rehab/ little bit of training OMG my butt, an unweighted exercise but it felt like I was kicked in the ass cheek for about 2.5 days thanks YODA!

My issue still seems to be core stability working on keeping those inner oblique muscles switched on. Building a better foundation and then hopefully I can continue to exercise without constantly worrying about my back.

Lets enjoy the next 20 weeks to Christmas...

I started this blog 3 years ago when I discovered clean eating and what I thought would be the answer to allow me to reach my goal size weight successfully lost about 15kg and thought I would def reach my goal within 12 months of starting my blog, never thought I'd be back to worse than square one was then, exercise has been minimal or non existent for the better part of the year, food has been ok at best terrible at worst both lack of food and type at times.

Tomorrow is officially the start of a 12 week program of  commitment, not a challenge just a time from of commitment to remain consistent and focused at least 95% of the time.
I have the support of  another trainer as my accountability person. the commitment I made with her to kick me up the butt if I don't do the correct amount of eating/ training/ accountability tasks is what I need.

I look forward to being able to write here again and monitor my progress without worrying about scales and measurements. I had them taken but refused to look at them, not because I am embarrassed I know how tight my clothes are but because I didn't want to have a number to work with and know I could cheat myself that's usually what I do and this time I want a different ending to the one where I finish feeling like I could of done better, could of tried harder and just want not good enough.

I am to old and to broken physically and mentally to continue this pattern of abuse of myself both inside and out, I am to old to not allow my body the freedom to  function at my best every damn day.

Is it going to be easy def not, will I do anything crazy NO I refuse to be so restrictive with my diet that I cannot maintain it life long or to train ridiculous amounts. I have tried calorie restrictions and excess exercise and the long term is not successful when you cannot maintain it.

Move, nourish, love, care for your whole self.

My goals for the 12 weeks are

1: For the 12 weeks my long term goal is to  Lose a substantial amount of body fat, I am aiming for 10% minimum.

2: My goal for the first 60 days is to every day complete rehab for my back/ knees and shoulder.

3: My goal for the first month is to be drinking no more than one cup of coffee a day and increasing my herbal teas.

4: My goal for the first week is to have all the allocated meals at the correct time, prepped and eaten not substituted because something else looks better.

5: My goal for tomorrow is to get through my whole training session, listen to what I am told and finish  knowing I gave it everything I had both mental and physical.

thanks for reading.

Today is Easter Sunday, a seemingly spiritual and important date on the Christian calender, yet monopolised by the chocolate manufacturers/ farmers  of the world.

Marketing and production to  sell a substance of addiction legally, to celebrate the breaking of slavery and bondage. Seems ironic that people especially  parents around the world choose to supply the crack equivalent to their children, willingly feeding the cycle of sugar addiction and potential life long issues that come with it, celebrating freedom and grace.

Why are we led to believe the hype and crap that eating chocolate brings happiness  and to continue it generation after generation?

Anyway that's just a side thought for today's post.  I am going to be completely honest and open and hope it's received with the intent it is written.

I have really been struggling with who I am/ where I am going ,what I am doing with regard to work/ study life the past few weeks.
Feeling overwhelmed and hopelessly lost, I know that sounds odd, I am 41 and should have a more rooted answer to what is happening with my life but I feel restless like I am still not fully reaching my potential, that I am missing part of the equation.

I know that  I am struggling with  confidence, being sure in all my ability as a personal trainer. It's not in my knowledge and understanding of exercise and how to achieve results,  I find programming is not a problem, there are always things to learn . It's as soon as I get asked for nutritional advice,  I just shut down and find it so uncomfortable to talk with confidence about  what I know and understand about food. I feel like people must look at me and wonder wtf would she know about any of this, look at the size of her?

I need to overcome/ stop that negative way of thinking, it's effecting my ability to build my business the way I would like.
I find  I am quick to refer people on to some of the other trainers in the gym the minute they ask for complex nutritional advice as I do not feel my advice would be taken seriously right or wrong that's how I am feeling.

I love my job and getting to meet  different people, I just want to be the best pt/ fitness professional  I can be, at the moment I know that's not the case, my own failings in my personal journey are letting me down.

Yeh changing it up again, have been suffering with anxiety and depression really bad this week! Feeling completely overwhelmed and unsure with everything that is my life right now, I want to honour my plan to work with people in the community that need the help and assistance and not be focused so much on making a dollar.

So I've been trying intermittent fasting for the past two weeks and counting macros, the process just suits my life most of the time except for when times like this morning when I just say stuff it and have black coffee with some sugary carbs and fats.

My point is I'm happier, more able to commit to eating properly because I am not depriving myself of high energy carbs, do I think this will suit me long term probably not but I am not stuck in a place where I feel hopeless anymore and like a failure.

So there will be mixed feelings on this post and some may be disappointed with my choices that's ok

Life is extremely different to what I ever thought it would be as a child/ teenager, being willing to change allows growth. 

I am continuing to work on  myself and my fitness/ health  goals and be the best version of me that I can be. For me at the moment all I am doing is following the exercise guidelines I've been restricted to since injuring my back.  I was accused of not  taking my rehab seriously and it pissed me off as  that's just not true, perception is in the eye of the beholder so how someone sees your reality is not always the way it is. And don't think you know someone's situation totally because you only know what they choose to let you see. 

People must see me as the pt who has a lot of fat to lose, they do not understand that there has already been a dramatic change or the person I have built myself into. Is there perception of me wrong? No they simply do not have all the facts, I struggled for many years accepting who I am and while I want to change some of my physical realities I am pretty happy with who I have become over the past 3.5 years since developing a love for fitness and health. 

This week I've been challenged to try something outside of my comfort zone by someone that I respect and value the opinion of. Initially I thought no way but he said something to me that made me stop and take notice. He said the passion you used to have for fitness has been replaced, I no longer so the joy you had for exercise and transforming your body that you had when you first started at the gym. 

He's not wrong, it's hard to be excited about an exercise program that I loath, the endorphin rush from the way I used to train is just not present and I'm reluctant to even train most days. So from Thursday last week I have made a conscious effort to commit to my training and rehab program 100%. I thought about just doing my own thing and working out my own training, but I just need to suck it up and accept I was given the advice for a reason and as frustrating as it is, I just need to accept this is the way it is for now. 

I am tracking myself over the next 6 months and look forward to see what happens with my back, body and self. 

Thanks for reading. xo

It's hard to be honest with the WWW but I started this blog way back in 2012 to keep me accountable to my journey, my dreams and goals.

Not going to sugar coat it, right now I am feeling a bit down with myself, shock horror I know my outlook is usually so positive! No I just hate the physical state my body is in right now, I hate the shape my body is with no training and fat gain from the past 12 months. I love that I am working in the fitness industry but hate that I look like someone who needs the help rather than the one supplying the help.

So we are about to start a 12 week program that promotes lifestyle transformation and weight/ fat loss. I really was so focused coming into this but now that I am unable to participate in any training of intensity my motivation has gone out the window.

I start to question all that I know to be truth when I feel the depression/ blue feelings coming on and instead of being motivated to change I usually start acting in a way that would indicate I had no goals or dreams for myself.

Today I am writing it down, because I want to be honest that it's hard to stay on track, it's hard to have patience it will all come together and I will be able to train when it's been alomst 12 weeks since I've participated in a genfit or high intensity class of any kind.

So in re cap a bit sad and depressed but determined to pick myself up and focus on that which I can, the food/ nutrtion portion of the plan.

WARNING LONG RAMBLINGS:

It feels appropriate to update my blog on the day I start my first gym floor shift, I certainly never saw this as a part of my future in 2011 when I decided I needed to change my life.

My life has changed significantly in part and not much in others, I still spend to much time on my phone just on different websites to the knitting ones I frequented before.

My back is still the fragile, the  unstable support it's always been. The Dr told me I  have the spinal degradation from wear and tear of that of  a 65- 70 year old when I was  34, it  didn't really mean anything at the time, I had no real understanding of what " You've got very little support between your vertabrae?
Yeah sure I had a sore back every few months,  mostly this was manageable with a bit of rest and some nurophen plus then in 2010 I had the whole ambulance ride to the hospital to get drugs as I had a non stop back spasm for around 8 hours and could not move a mm without wincing in pain. Then I began my relationship with codeine and celebrex ( thank you drug companies)  and how well they  worked to stop the muscle spasm and get me mobile.

Don't get me wrong since that time, although almost 10 months until I joined the gym I have found  exercising has definitely helped with my day to day function and mobility. I have not relied on daily pain killers/ anti inflammatory meds for a long time,  up until the recent episodes of back issues. This most recent succession of injury has shown me that while embracing exercise for the past three plus years,  I probably could of listened to the advice given to me long before I did to perhaps not increase the already delicate structure in my body. Also I think the extra weight I am carrying compared to two years ago is definitely not helping.

I feel more confident with who I am, not in an obnoxious way I just feel ok in my own skin  most of the time, sure I will still voice my insecurities, mainly the front region from the neck down boobs and belly are to big but I more comfortable with who I am. I am working on changing my negative language and hopefully will be able to fuel a more positive self image in my own daughter than what I had/ have in myself.

I took the leap to study fitness mainly for myself and my work with art and soul and now I am actually hoping to make a go at working in the industry.

 I feel it's necessary to thank all those people who've supported me a long the way, sometimes your comments/ insights  have made me cry they've been so encouraging.

My family, friends, work friends, gym buddies and school mums you have all been wonderful. And I also need to make special mention to Sean or as I like to call him

 Yoda,  those early days you focused me, always positive you made me believe in myself I can remember the exact moment I was on the treadmill in the ladies gym when your comment that has changed my life occurred and while it's still a work in progress I am thank full every day for that spark you lit.
My own inconsistency, continued injury and disorganised lifestyle have not led me to reach what I want but you've remained a constant source of support even when I was acting like a spoiled brat who didn't want to listen  (not wanting to accept the decrease in my  excessive amounts of training, eating the wrong things,  trying to do running when I should of stopped the first time I was told no running) when I think back to asking you to train me I honestly  thought I would train with you for just  10 sessions, just to get a feel for pt and  then that would be it. Now it's still going and I honestly cannot imagine trying to do it without you, sure your a little stubborn and believe your always right!