How is life tracking this week?

 Terrible it started last Friday night and has continued most of the week, eating foods I know are counter productive to my fat loss needs, not doing rehab enough, no foam rolling at all and forgetting my water bottle with me when I leave the house.

Training has begun again and I am back to a  bare minimum, no high intensity, just light upper body and  even that was hard, working at a much lower level intensity than what I did before surgery and it was hard! I am sure  my strength regression and subsequent pain with returning to training is noticeable to my trainer but he keeps being positive and telling me I am doing great even when it feels crappy :-)

What has  lead to such a downward spiral in my emotional state and a lack of positive thoughts this week?
A self imposed sense of failure, bought on by comparing myself to someone else the number one no no in fat loss/ fitness goals, sure be inspired but comparing is never the answer. I was motivated and instantly ashamed of myself because I was looking at someone who has smashed their fitness and nutrition and achieved in 6 months what I have been unable to reach whole heartedly for  in 3 years. I can't help it and was overwhelmed with a sense of not being good enough, coupled with the beginning of cert IV this week  and feeling like wtf am I doing, I am a fraud thinking I can be of help to anyone,  clearly I cannot get myself together how could I possibly be able to support anyone else?

Is it of benefit to see myself in such a negative light no, the negative leads to more negative and the cycle becomes constant. My daily joy and being with friends, family, hobbies, gym etc loses it's value and I start to withdraw. This morning I had a commitment to do something in relation to my cert IV training and  I couldn't keep the appointment because of this sense of failure within me,  I know this week I have  let myself down but I feel like I have let others down to and while I know  it's a completely  irrational thought process that's where I am at. So instead of dwelling on it and continuing the spiral into myself I am blogging it once again, making it public and being accountable for what happens from this moment onwards.

Each decision I make today will  feed my soul, nourish my body  and move me out of the comfortable place I am in once again. Self loathing is easy to me, loving myself through the good and the bad is the battle.

ok this blog has been a source of great support to me over the past 2.5 years, I've deleted my entire blog a couple of times and I've deactivated it. I liked sharing my  life and the struggle to make my life healthier and  all that I am trying  to achieve. 

Today's post is reflective, remembering all  of the time I have wasted over the past 3 years, not a negative post. Simply a  look at myself,  just an acknowledgment that I have felt so bad about myself at times, certain failures in parts of this life change, that I robbed myself of seeing the good. 

Almost 3 years down the track since I made the decision that I wanted to change my life,  I am still doing all I can to exercise regularly, change my food habits and control my sugar cravings that can lead to binging. 

What has helped this year, a conversation with my counsellor that had me change the way I was doing things. I relaxed my ideas on what I believed to be the "right " way and have accepted my flaws, broken body parts and tried to work with them. I have relaxed my nutrition have lost fat and am less likely to binge than before. I am not saying I don't ever eat what I shouldn't but I feel less guilt and it is all helping to shift the fat I've been trying to lose for 2 years. 

I respect my body more,  I probably pushed a bit hard the last couple of weeks before surgery, but in hind sight I don't regret that as it looks like my  knee was ready to tear on the other side anyway and this was what I thought would happen so pushing meant  if there was a tear it would be evident and repaired then and  no need for surgery again in 6-12 months. I also was in the right frame of mind this time, so listening to my physiotherapist and his recommendations to restrict my exercise has been easy. Accepting keyhole surgery is still surgery and requires time to heal this time, big change to last time. So instead of a month after surgery me gaining weight, this time I have not worried about the scales but I know I have not gained weight as my clothes fit well and I feel comfortable. 

oh and I am 1/2 way through my fitness course, gosh this was the best decision I ever made. I had no desire to work in the fitness industry when I started, purely doing this so I can provide a service with art n soul in a voluntary capacity and for my own knowledge of muscles and nutrition and programming. 

My thoughts on that are changing, there are moments when I think, I might actually have some skills to help others, maybe if I can just get to x weight and do a full body pull up with no band then  maybe I could try to work in the industry.  Apparently unless you can pull up people shouldn't chose you to be their pt ;-), I want to inspire someone or some people  to push their comfort zone and be better just like Sean did and continues to do for me. I want to flog some specific individuals ( Trudy ). 

Anyway just wanted to share where I am at, I feel positive and hopeful that this is the year it all finishes with the coming together of myself and who I want to be.