Warning feeling emotional and not in a fantastic mood
In March 2012 I started this blog, for myself, to be reflective and to get out some of the frustrations I had with myself and I enjoyed reading the blogs of others who were travelling the same path I was. I have deleted most of my posts for varying reasons as I knew some how I would regret some of the information I gave to the public. This week twice I have felt shame for things I've put on here that have come back to me.
Two weeks ago I was shopping with some friends, we were looking in a plus size store while a friend purchased something, I tried on a dress, a dress which is a size 14 or xs by their sizing it was just a simple maxi strapless dress. I loved it, loved the style loved the colours and was thinking about buying it to wear this weekend. One of the friends I was shopping with trying to be supportive said " No you are not buying it, you are not going to get comfortable buying clothes in this store again." I felt ashamed, ashamed that here I put myself in this position, humiliated because I'd allowed myself to gain weight.
I felt hurt because of those words, I know it wasn't the intention and they were said out of love. Yesterday again, she pointed out that I'd put it on my blog that I never wanted to be buying clothes in a plus sized store. Here my words came back to me , I never realised how being vulnerable and allowing people to see this side of me could potentially cause me to feel like this.
My default reaction is to find my shame in this kind of situation and trust me I feel it. I also did not understand the power my blog had to hurt me and here it was laid out for me pure and simple. I was doing something I hoped to never do be buying clothes in a store that says I am larger than "normal people"is not something I planned to ever do again. :( I just don't think stuffing myself into clothes that don't fit like a sausage, just so I can pretend I have not gained weight and say I still fit a particular size is the right thing to do either.
This morning I had another encounter that made me again feel shame, I know I know Trudy. I was complimenting a guy on how much he has achieved and he responded saying "yeah I've nearly caught up to you." At first I didn't understand what he meant, then I remembered the speech! the one given at the 12 week challenged dinner at the pub. Being asked how much weight I'd lost since joining the gym. Another you said you'd never get back to this point moment for me in two days :(, I didn't clarify that I'd gained weight, which would mean that he's achieved far more in a few month than what I've taken 2.5 years to achieve.
It's all good and while I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, I'm not I am simply getting it out so I can move on and move forward. Genfit is inspiring me and I feel really excited for what I can do there.
Have a great weekend.
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