My personal Journey The photo reflects a bit of where I started and where I've been but not currently where I am at in terms of healthy life style etc. 

I lived most of my life as an overweight/ obese as a  child I was born 5 weeks prem at 5 pounds 3 ounces by the time I was adopted at 13 weeks of age I was over 13 pounds food was always the comfort I sough out and still can bring an emotional high like nothing else. 

I have been called things like Kelly Jelly belly I always had a protruding belly, never have I looked down and seen a flat lower abdomen I mean never ever,  I remember being called Fat Kelly from the start of year 7  from school class mates and the memories of the taunting of  my parents friends stayed with me. 

 Always as a child/ teenager I was  told I was big boned,  never going to be slim, lean etc. If  While the words may of meant nothing but trying to be encouraging to the people saying them, they have been foundational in laying the path of negative self talk that takes over in my head. The belief and fear that I will never be those things. I know I have worked at changing those words and the way I feel about myself but sometimes the continual pattern of being stuck makes it seem like the reality of the words is the reality I am destined to live. 

Last week was the 3 year anniversary of my first pt session, I took 6 months off using a pt from November last year, but  I was still doing small group training with the same trainer and so have still felt connected to the guidance of the pt who has helped to change some of the negative into positive. We are about to undertake a new challenge at the gym and I am really excited to be a part of this I just wanted to voice how I was feeling going into the challenge. 

I am committed to doing the challenge and changing my habits from negative into positive, do I see this as the change that will lead me to the path of successful change. Nope I am fearful this will be just another failure in a long line of them. How can I change this, the only thing that will change this is my thoughts I know that now more than ever. I need to accept there is not perfect situation that makes it all come together. I just have to make the choice to be the person I need to in order to succeed, there is no easy way to achieve what I want. 

Starting today I am committing to seeing the process through, not just the physical process of doing the appropriate amount of training and having the nutrition that supports it all, I am talking more about believing it is possible, that no matter what has come before it does not define what will happen now. Changing the way I view myself and my possible success into a actual reality of the success I know is possible  is the only way for me  to succeed. 

September 1 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, how can I study fitness and still struggle sometimes with my own journey to health and well being. You know what that's life, you are kidding yourself if you think once you reach a goal weight, size shape that everything will just fall into a place where it's easy. You have to consciously make a commitment to be better, do better every day.

I feel embarrassed sometimes when people ask what I'm studying and I tell them and I can see it in their eyes. The really YOU'RE studying fitness, how can someone not fit/ lean study fitness.

My decision to study was never about wanting to be a personal trainer to the fit and athletic, it was about wanting to provide some guidelines for fitness and nutrition, valuable  information that has changed my life so completely I do not recongnise the person I once was. To be a source of inspiration and motivation to those who are lost and struggling beyond my comprehension with depression and anxiety and are just wanting to take control of their life and move forward.

Maybe I can learn to over come my own issues with self esteem, self worth and be who I was created to be, maybe the purpose of all this is to allow me to make  conscious decisions to exercise and nourish my body because it is the only way I can function and live to my potential. Growing and learning about how my body functions has been so much fun. I just want to learn more and be able to pass on that knowledge.

I may not be the vision of someone who is lean, fit strong but I'm working on it, step but step day by day.

For those who are new to my blog, it's for my fat/ loss life gain it's my way to deal with how I feel and sometimes my frustrations at life and my training.

Life is very different to how I pictured it would be when I first committed to losing weight and training to achieve a goal size/ body shape , so much more than I ever expected it to be studying to be a pt/ work within the fitness industry certainly not something I would have ever envisioned I would participate in and love!

Okay my accountability my post from last night,  I sound like a fucking ( sorry) whining princess. Seriously I was so absorbed in myself I didn't stop to see anything positive in the day and that shit house attitude followed me into today, so when things started falling apart I will ill prepared to deal with them, this lead to the old which lead me to seek comfort  in giant popping candy freddo'(s) yes there were two.

I know it my head this is not food, this item should not be included as a food item in my fitness pal it did not nourish or feed me it  enabled me to fed my addiction to sugar and my desire to not  deal with my emotions and simply push them aside  by eating them. A most childish destructive pattern of behaviour. 

This came about because to be honest I am feeling a little overwhelmed with life at the moment. I am just managing to keep my head above water and I feel like I am letting my friends, family,  house cleaning, schooling, work, business, training, eating go to shit quicker than I want. 

Enough of feeling bloated and sorry for myself, I decided to be proactive this afternoon and while I wanted to get out how I was feeling. It's not how I am currently feeling. 

I visited GSO to get some more kombucha, a apple cider vinegar drink, green juice and a shot of chlorophyll upside I feel better within my body and my mind feels more at peace because I am not buzzing from sugar or caffeine. I managed a whole day with no double shot long black, macchiatos or soy piccolo lattes that is a miracle in itself. 

Tomorrow will be better and I will be focused on my attempt to JFFA like I intended~

Food prep done for tomorrow already and no excuses! 

Upper body training done tonight with  no coffee or pre workout that was a first for awhile.

Hope your Monday has been marvellous. 

much love

Today has been really a time of reflection and wonder at why I continue with my struggle to be my best self.
I am not talking about lack of discipline in eating or no training I am talking about my self view, how I see myself and I know it has a negative impact on my behaviour.  Yesterday I was with my class and we were participating in interval training, I can't run I tried against advice because I hate feeling weak and I felt a stabbing pain shoot straight through my meniscus. I push myself to try and be on an equal footing with those around me because I have always been separate, different, bigger whatever I've always felt I don't belong.

Yesterday I felt pretty good, in pain but good then I saw the photos from yesterday and I felt embarrassed, shame that I look like that, why am I even here thinking I have any advice that can help others in a similar situation to me.

It's relevant when you are wanting to empower and release others from being held back by their self to be able to say I'm in a place of value, that I deserve to be listened to, today I do not feel any were near that place.

I don't write often anymore and maybe I need tonight, to be able to express  the moments of self doubt I experience not as often anymore thankfully. Yet I  don't  allow the doubt to diminish my desire to succeed and be the best version of me.  I will succeed there will be good days and bad I am using that photo that makes me feel sad to help me move forward.