Been thinking about Gillian Michaels and the maximise your life tour, so much encouragement and belief I could step out of my comfort zone and be a better version of me. 

 I went to on the 30/10 event  and I really allowed her words of wisdom to wash over me, I have been doing things I would never normally do but think maybe one day . 

I have booked in sky diving for the 8/12 with my gorgeous friend Danni and cannot wait to jump out of the sky even though I am afraid of heights. 

I  read about and then pain for and signed up for a seemingly super  intense 3 hour  bootcamp which physically I would never be strong enough to do, it will all  be about my  mental toughness which is a challenge not going to lie,  and then yesterday I booked in with thump  to get my boxing accreditation. 

So there are definitely parts of the night and the message about  maximising my life that I am taking on board but there is part of me that holds back.  I thought about the things that hold me back and I am writing them down here so I can really work on them. 

1: My physical appearance being the best I can be, there is a sense of shame in the  lack of achieving my personal goal.

 What has led to me not achieving that maybe I just haven't wanted it badly enough? The saying goes if it's important enough for you, you will make it happen no matter what. Maybe I am just not strong enough to achieve it. 

I am honest and recognise that  there are many  components to not achieving my goals yet.  Some mental and some physical that I can easily step up and change. 

 Sleep or lack of it after having a misfit and tracking it every night  I average about 3.5-4 hours of restful sleep a night I'm not sure if that is sufficient out of an 8 hour period or weather we should be having more restful sleep. I know 8 hours of sleep is recommended but does that mean it's all classified as restful sleep. 

Pre preparing my food or at least planning it, I found this last 12 weeks I was great at ensuring Scott had food for the day but not great with ensuring my meals were prepped and ready to go and I was easily distracted then to eat whatever I could get hold of often not the best choices or well constructed meals. 

Positivity I have issues with how I see myself, always have probably always will but I'm working on improving the way I talk to myself. 

that's just my reflection for today.

Today is a good day, for multiple reasons one being I made the decision to stop living in fear of failing in my dream to work in fitness and take action to achieve the dream.

I received some encouragement from some awesome chicks that help me believe it's possible to be me and still offer a service that will be valuable to someone.

Since finishing I have procrastinated about registering, so I can actually begin being a personal trainer and actually invest in the dream by starting to train those who have asked. Why have I procrastinated because I took this meme to hear, honestly I felt like people would mostly feel like this and I had nothing to offer.

So I decided to take a more positive approach and have enrolled myself in a Thump boxing training weekend, so I can learn about what I love. A couple of days ago I registered for a 3 hour endurance bootcamp in a few weeks and I'm jumping out of a plane. 

So I may not be the leanest pt but I guarantee I will put my heart and soul and invest all that I am  into being the best I can be for those who choose to train with me. 

Not sure how this post will read, there are a lot of emotions swirling inside me at the moment and I am unsure where I am headed.

This blog was started 2.5 years ago as an accountability tool to myself, in an attempt  to try and focus my direction and help me with my fat loss and fitness goals.
Today I look  back on that time and I see a massive bell curve in in both fitness, fat loss and general health and well being and physically I am back to square one.

I thought this year studying fitness  would bring me back to a place where my life externally reflected   how I feel internally about exercise and fitness meaning I would gain the body size, shape, weight I have wanted since day 1.

What do you know history repeated and this has not been the case,  I am actually  finishing  the year in a worse place than where I started, I am stronger but that achievement seems irrelevant to me as it was not one of the SMART goals I set  when I first joined the gym and more importantly when I first started pt.
Today Sunday 9/11  the rest of my goals seem so much further away than even 12 months ago that I am unsure how they are ever going to happen.

Honestly I was  studying fitness/ nutrition  how does that even happen, that I gain fat during the course?  Don't get me wrong this year has been one of the best most stressful hard years I have gone through yet I just feel I did myself out of finishing the year on the high it could of.

 I am writing it out because honestly feeling miserable and filled with  self loathing  about the past is  making it harder to step away, it is a pattern of behaviour I know is not going to change me, it just makes me feel even worse than I already do.

It's one month yesterday until I jump out of the sky from 14,000 feet above Melbourne so I am going to focus on what I can achieve in this next lot of 4 weeks 28 individual days to get through and do the best that I can each and everyone.