This week has flown by so many things have happened turning 40, partied like it was 1999 haha no actually partied like a 40 year old was home and in bed by 1 AM very boring....

THANK YOU to everyone who came along on the night, all those who put in for gifts or donated I felt really blessed to have been celebrated the way I was.

In the spirit of living each day like it's my last, I decided to book my husband and I a pacific cruise for our 20th Wedding anniversary next Jan. We have never had a decent extravagant holiday, even our honeymoon was a camping trip and while I regret our kids have never enjoyed the gold coast and seeing Queensland I really want to do this with just my husband.

2014 is going to be a great year I have decided, it's not negotiable.

Yesterday marked the taking of the before photo's for the YNB challenge, what is there to say about that ,aside from yuck! It was an unpleasant part of the challenge but a necessary one I know that.

The first two days of the challenge were harder than what I would normally like as we had done no food shopping so was living off very little vegetables and little lean protein. I am going to make sure if nothing else we have tuna in spring water available all the time.

It's hard to admit this but I am finding the idea of re losing the weight I gained from last year such a mental battle.

This challenge provides me with a time frame I can  commit  to and prove to myself food is NO longer in control of me.  What I mean by that is, over the last year I would start a challenge weather public like the one I am currently a part of or private with myself. The problem is  my head, not focusing 100% on my goal for the time frame I was committing to. It was easy to  think it was ok to have "special occasions"doing what I wanted in terms of  nutrition and have a little or a lot of food that is not part of the plan. To be completely honest there was heaps of people around me saying " oh you need to allow yourself "treats" or it's so easy to go off track. Yes that might be true but for me to often a treat meal becomes a slack week and a week becomes 2 etc.

This weekend it's time to do things differently, it is  my 40th yeah time frame to achieve my goal size/ shape not achieved :( but I am not dwelling on the negative I am going to be positive and  my plan  to stay on track will focus me for the weekend.  I am not allowing myself to have a "cheat" no alcohol no food that is not providing nutrition and simply emotional. It will be hard as I know there will be foods I really enjoy around me. I want to prove once and for all that food does not control me, it is simply a way to fuel my body and the moment of enjoyment I experience in a sugar high is just not worth the life time of health problems and self loathing I have had..

While I no longer do 1-1 pt with Sean, he is the pt who runs the group sessions I am a part of and the pt I am working with for the challenge. His comment to me before the challenge started when I was asking him what extra exercise I could be doing during the challenge. He said he would like for me to do the challenge with one training session a week and 100% nutrition to prove to me that it's more about the food than anything. I appreciate his honesty and I know what I need to do to have control over this challenge and my life.


Now to move my body to build some muscle :-)

I feel really frustrated with myself and the way I look physically at the moment, yesterday  however I was reminded of why I started this life change and commitment to get healthy. Why at the end of the day this is about so much more than how I look.

My back has been an issue since I was 17 that's 23 years of living in limbo, not knowing when it will spasm and my spine will twist and I will be unable to walk properly or do simple tasks.

Don't get me wrong, the change in the severity and intensity of when it goes out is huge. The pain  is minimal now compared to how I used to live with daily pain that would often require  anti inflamatory pain medication. An attack would see me bed ridden for a couple of days, thank full that does not happen anymore but it still causes me pain consistently,  I know the facet joints and vertebrae that are struggling with arthritis already do not need the extra weight my obese body is carrying currently.

I appreciate that as a  reminder of the New beginning I am embarking on my back went out yesterday afternoon, saying very clearly that it's past time and way over due to get my shit together. :-)

I also may of drunk a can of sugarfree V and been unable to sleep well. I know that it is  totally shit and not something one should put in their body, so my commitment for the challenge is NO alcohol, NO commercial chocolate ( I am making a raw birthday cake and protein bliss balls for my party with cacao) No other food that is nutrition less only food that is for nourishment. If I stick to this, especially on the weekend of my 40th  my husband has said he will give me a substantial amount of $ to buy clothes with at the end of the challenge ( not sure how much weight he thinks I am going to lose in 3 months :-) )
Bring on the new me I say.

I wanted to of reached my goal before I started studying fitness, I wanted to of achieved my dream and be able to sit in the class room without feeling like I didn't belong, that I shouldn't be there.

I realise my thinking is wrong, wrong because it takes away from my passion of wanting to be there to help others who are struggling with many of the issues I have struggled with,  my reasons for being there are no less valid than anyone else. It is also wrong assuming people will judge me based on the size of my body, with no understanding of who I am.

 I am not stupid there may be members of the class who  think all those things, my sensitivity about how I look right now, clouds my perception of what I believe people see when they look at me. What I am greatful is that I ignored those feelings of insecurity enough to enrol.

This is me being honest with myself about how bad it all is now, this is me in 3 digits again, a place I promised myself never, ever to go back to, yet here I am 2 years later exactly where I was. This picture is sad and inspiring, because I know it can change and I want it to, now more than ever.

My smart goals:

Specific: I want to reach the middle of the healthy weight range for my height.

Measurable: I will be able to track progress with weekly weigh in on a day to be determined.

Attainable: If I continue to train in a controlled manner and eat according to my goals it will be achievable.

Relevant: Achieving the goal is relevant to how I want to live and the desire to pursue helping others through volunteer work.

Time Frame: I want it done by the time school graduates which is November, so 3.9kg a month roughly.