I received an inspiration email yesterday from a site that I joined beginning of last year  to help me keep myself accountable. I was supposed to log when losing fat and weight and write a diary about becoming whole. I don't use the site and actually forget what it was called. The emails come everyday,  little snippets of wisdom for life. They are sent  directly to my phone and make me smile, I usually  feel motivated or I just delete them without reading depending on how I feel at the time. Emotions are never the way to work out your life, I know that but seem unable to avoid the whole "feeling part."

Yesterday's message made me feel sad, frustrated and a bit ashamed at myself. It said think about yourself 6 months from now and how happy you will be for what you have achieved. I remembered receiving a similar type of message around the time of my knee surgery and thinking whoo hoo now this is done I can get on with reaching my goal! 9 months down the track and everyone sees that is not the case at all. I did the opposite of trying to achieve a goal.

I have signed up for another 12 week challenge with my gym call the Genesis Your New Beginning Challenge it is due to start in around 18 days. WHY? I have made a lot of  commitments to myself to reach a physical goal and I have not, I need a fresh start a new focus and a goal to work towards. I have that now, originally my goal was turning 40 I missed that boat :( so now I am focusing on the cruise or island get away I want to go on with Scott for our 20th Wedding anniversary next January 11 months to achieve all I want.  The ynb challenge gives me  accountability to my trainer who will be tracking my progress and I promised this time I would do it properly. I am doing this for myself but he's one person who has had my back and wanted to see me succeed for just about as long as I have. I love knowing I am part of a team of  people who all  want to transform themselves,  to be the best they can be.  I am not competitive enough to want to win, but I can tell you now my husband is doing it to and we are both working with different trainers so between the two of us GAME ON!

I want my 6 months time reflection to be one of joy at what I have achieved not sadness for what I did not achieve.

Legs day today, my favourite except for  when your hammies are already shot from upper body on tuesday it's not looking good...

I have never understood why my husband loves road riding for hours and hours so much or mountain biking. I dislike riding a bike, I do it because I have to in order to gain some strength around my knees not because I want to do it. Mountain biking at least looks like fun but he refuses to take me or let me try for fear I'd go down one hill and do some permanent injury.

I started Saturday with a plan  for 3 bike rides a week  for at least  50 mins to an hour and each ride I have done has been that but I have only managed 40k in 3 rides!  I want to try and find a path that goes for at least 20k's because I hate riding on the road, as soon as I feel the cars behind me I panic. Scott also insists I would find it much easier on a road bike as I use his mountain bike for stability, maybe he will buy me a hybrid for my birthday because I don't like the handle bars on road bikes.

Training wise this week I have probably done a bit to much for someone who is not 100% right in terms of getting enough sleep, recovery and perfect nutrition. Food has been good it's the not being able to sleep that is still a problem.

 I have to log 25 work outs for the course I am doing to pass. I keep forgetting to do it,  so I counted this morning and for this week  I am up to 5 with  today's since Sunday,  plus 3 rides. All done at the gym  have focused on upper body stuff mainly, it  may be why my upper body feels sore everywhere. I know I have done more than I am supposed to, I  used to train like this all the time, I know it's not necessary, I just said yes to my husband when he said come to the gym, then I was looking for what to do Monday and ended up doing two workouts. Fortunately injury has allowed me to change and I recognise that my body cannot handle this amount of training all the time.

Struggling a bit with getting my head right, I am focused on what I am doing, planning and preparing and not giving in to foods that I shouldn't. I am just finding those old pangs of self doubt and moments of thinking  the task is still so big I am sure to fail before I complete it. Not sure if it has been triggered by watching the start of biggest loser or I just keep those feelings at the back of my mind and so they come out when I feel inadequate which is usually after I stand on my scales and see where I am at...

I watched biggest loser season opener last night, I knew it was from Ararat around the area we just holidayed in and we actually saw them filming in Halls Gap we think at the local pool.

I find this show just brings back so many feelings for me, from before I joined the gym and started exercising trying to change my life. I could feel  the overwhelming sense of not being worthy of life, their complete desperation that something has to change but just not being able to put one foot in front of the other and see a way out. Hiding behind layers of fat, keeping yourself fed but not satisfied with life or who you've become.

I felt like a failure when I thought this is the 3rd biggest loser since I started trying to change my life, there are many people I know personally and who I have followed on instagram who started after the 2012 season and have reached their goals and have accomplished so much more than me, I am just not strong enough, mentally tough enough or craving it enough. Why am I still struggling and trying to push past this point?  Then I was reminded of a conversation I'd been a part of at church this evening and my friend Sam had shared a phrase that someone on her facebook had posted and it was something like.
" Instead of thinking about wanting to be happy, think about what you are willing to give up and sacrifice to make yourself happy."

Happiness if that's what I am craving? I am happy, most of the time, I know my blog may sound like I'm not. For me  it's a sounding board and usually once I write stuff down, I can forget it and move on.

 I am happy, because I have found a love of exercise I never dreamed would happen. There are not enough words to describe the high I get  from lifting heavier, being able to do things I didn't think possible is really cool. Yes  I wish I didn't have to adapt most things for injury but I am thankful that I still have a body that can do most of what I want it to. Who is sad they cannot do burpees or jump squats not me :-)

Changing my body size will not make me happy, changing my body size will make me complete!

I want to be complete

Heading into the coming week and returning to genfit 100% with a feeling of dread :D, I've had two work outs this week along with two mornings of kayaking  and I am stuffed ! It started yesterday my legs were killing me by the afternoon  and I haven't even managed a leg session just cardio with some light leg press and squats. I thought I would make up yesterday's missed leg session today but my legs still hurt and I can't motivate myself to go in and do it by myself without the crew there to. So I have decided to consider this still part of my "rest' time of 1 month and then attack next week with focus and commitment and a little fear.

Food has been reasonable considering we have enjoyed a few anniversary activities this week  and it's been lovely having kid free time, I am happy that I've lost 2kg  and my mind is in the right place to keep it up.
I have signed on for another round of the genesis 12 week your new beginning challenge ,as I mentioned and I am really, really excited to see what happens this time, doing it properly.

So far no injuries for the new year, so I have not given up on my New Years challenge :-)

As I said yesterday leaving the past behind and moving forward but just wanted to put this out there as well I weighed myself this morning, post Christmas feasts, holiday enjoyment and the time of year that involved alcohol,chocolates, chips and ice creams desserts etc.

Not going to deny it  was a little sad to see where I am at, to realise the ground I have to re loose to get back to where I've been is :-( it  takes months to move and seems that it  takes little time to gain!

It's a turning point or it's a nothing point, the choice is up  to me. I only  have 6 weeks and 2 days until my 40th  birthday, how do I want to feel when the day arrives?

 I am almost  40 years old, when I think of how I started this life what a blessing that in itself is! I feel so irresponsible with the gift I was given back in 2011, to make a change in my life once and for all, when I think about the school friends I have known who are not celebrating 40, not alive to celebrate making this milestone.

Have I been greedy, selfish and misused that gift, I accept I have not been focused on  giving it as much  dedication and complete commitment that I should of. I am sorry to those who've supported, encouraged and tried to be there for me. Mostly I am sorry to me,  for my lack of consistency, lack of want and inability to just freakin do it.

It's past  time, well over due I need  to stop living like I expect failure, fundamentally that is what it all comes down to.  I expect there would be failure at some point a long the road, for me  here this year has shown me exactly what that feels like once again. I do not want to continue this path of self destruction, it's consuming and painful to be constantly struggling with where your at.

  It's not that I expect it's all going to be smooth sailing, I am not an idiot  or I guess I have been I am not going to continue acting like and idiot. I t know that the regret and feelings of failure I have experienced over the past few months have slowly been taking away the joy. The joy I had found and believed in since joining the gym.  I can feel myself  constantly slipping back into that same old negative mind, the one  that dislikes the person I see in the mirror each day and I am not going to live that way anymore. It's destructive to all my relationships, it's destructive to my life period.  

Today my new journey part of the original  yet different from the one I have been on to this point begins. Fresh start, fresh mind, fresh body!

Enjoy the sunshine 

My 10 days away has come to an end, it was a lovely time of relaxation and restoration. I had plenty of time to think and plan my year, there are no other plans in place other than giving it my all in all things.

With this in mind I am determined and willing to do all I can to ensure there are no more recurring or beginning injuries. Taking each day and appreciating all I have, each breath and each moment I have an opportunity to embrace and I plan to. No looking back, no regrets I am being more than that person who lives with regret.

2014 come as you will.