Today my almost former pt :( tortured me, the unease and discomfort he made me feel  was by far the worst he's every forced me to endure!! it didn't stop when I wanted it to, I just wanted to be any where but in a room with him.

We were not  training,  he was asking me questions that I wanted to avoid, making me face myself, my goals, what I want to achieve and the answers I had to give had to be real,  I did not like it,  not one little bit. I did not like it on the chair, I did not wish to answer there, he asked me once he asked me twice he just simply is not nice!

Then I had to get weighed and measure :( to say it was depressing would be an understatement I felt deflated and devastated at what was written down but the good news is I can change it so that when I re do it there is no longer and overwhelming sense of failure for where I am.

 plan: Check

preparation is the key for me to succeed I need to plan out the social events and know what I need to do to survive without straying off my plan and goal. It's going to be hard but I know it will be worth it.

 I have approx 2 more weeks of one on one personal training then I will be on my own, it's really really sad and I don't want to give it up but it's time to accept it's not possible at this time to continue. I cannot let it be said that it wasn't the best decision I ever made in regard to my health, fitness and happiness.

This is some of  what I have learn't from almost 2.5 years of one- one personal training with Sean. NEVER GIVE UP!

I am stronger than I think, not physically really  as I'm a bit weak as a 60 year old granny right now, I am capable of anything I chose to believe I can achieve, my body needs to be respected, nourished, motivated and kept  moving according to my ability and goals.
 The only way that can happen is to remain positive ,  make a plan and don't allow yourself to be side tracked by what you want right now for what you want overall, don't give in to emotion, remain focused, consistent and never ever disobey the trainers advice you pay them for a reason.

So going to miss being able to trust and rely on his knowledge to see me through a training session without injury.

Much respect, appreciation and love for all you have helped me achieve thus far, your endurance when I've been a stubborn shit and your support the many times I've fallen apart.

There are never enough successive days pain/injury free that allow me to feel like I have been able to gain back some of the life I wasted living so long unhealthy and obese.

 The damage my lifestyle caused to the only body I have is beyond redemption it feels like. Sure I am in a much better place, but the long term damage cannot be undone. Arthritis, joint stability worn out cartilage all happening before they should why?  because I abused my body when not exercising eating well and when exercising I have still been abusing my body.

This week I managed to have my shoulder fall out of place, I know when it happens and it's not dislocated just slips out of it's socket and feel like it's pulling forward and that there is a tendon squished in there. So knowing most of the week it wasn't right, knowing on Thursday when dead lifting and doing t rows it wasn't sitting in properly, but continuing to train what do I do Friday but try to  box. Again first push up and I know it's not right but don't stop for at least another 15 mins when I simply cannot lift it anymore without pain shooting down my bicep. I wan't ignoring the pain, just wasn't sure was it my brain giving up or should I keep going? I am a bit of a sook and not sure if my pain tolerance holds me back sometimes.

 Resting for two days will hopefully fix it up for next week, I am motivated to do amazing things over the next 17 weeks until my 40th birthday.

My pt likes to sit down and map out with a distinct plan what my goals are? It always makes me feel like the principal is calling me to his office ( a bit like a coffee date with Michelle Sanders :-) ) anyway trying to avoid it I sent him a note with my goals written down which really have not altered since I sat down with him 12 months. His response was that he remembered them, where had they been? I responded with sarcasm but it was partly true, hidden under the chocolate and ice cream and every other food I chose to consume that did not align with my goals, there has been many choices over the last few months/ year that show my commitment to my goal was not top of my list of things to achieve.

This week has been a one step, one day at a time and it's been a good week for the most part. I hope it remains over the weekend and I can begin to see my body transform the way it needs to, to reach my goal by 23/2

People come into your life for a reason, I can honestly say with regard to my health and fitness building trust and rapport with people is important, believing in, following and listening to the advice given is equally important. I love the people I have met through this journey so far that inspire, encourage and support me. THANK YOU

 I am a little stubborn and can sometimes push the buttons of my pt and sometimes I can just do really stupid and completely wrong things in his opinion. Not going to lie, it hurt a bit when he said I was looking for a quick fix trying IF  rather than changing my lifestyle,cannot deny  it was honest and I needed to face the truth of what he was getting at.
 I am blessed that he is my pt, not saying there are not other awesome ones out there, I know there are a few of them work at the gym and I know online. Finding the right one for you can sometimes be hard work and I am just really happy that my journey led me to him,  that he has never ever given up working with me, even through all the stupid he continues to support my efforts to be the best version of me I can be. Sorry Sean, I promise straight and narrow for the last month of one on one  pt no messing with your plan....

Another part of my thank you is to Mariana the owner of the gym I attend, we were having a chat and a cuppa in her office last week and she again challenged me to change who I am being at the moment and acknowledge what I can do.

So my really happy part to this morning legs day and feeling my butt burn doing squats YEAH!

So today has been interesting, challenging, confronting and real! Thank you M Yoda and Fabian for being honest with me.

 I thought trying IF was the right thing to do, it just seemed to be so easy and I'm not going to lie, I have felt incredible in the mornings without food in my belly at  training, even this morning later training and cardio, it felt really good doing it fasted and not eating until at least 12PM has not bothered me. I haven't been sleeping great, but I never do, I have noticed it's been even harder for me to get back to sleep if I wake up and  this week my caffeine level has been on the high side, while short term not an issue, I do not want to be reliant of caffeine to get me through to the eating window.

These were all issues I expected and thought it was something that would take time for my body to adjust to and was prepared for that. The problem with not eating until 12 was it became  easy and I was starting to think just this morning" well why not hold off till 2 or maybe I could add another 24 hour fast into my week."As I said I feel great, is that a reason to keep going? I thought so, until chatting with the owner of my gym and receiving a very real text from my pt, it made me question why I was doing this?

 What do I gain long term from doing this? Am I purely opting  for a quick fix or do I plan to make this a lifestyle? Do I put my body under potential health complications, it's well documented IF does not work great for females let alone ones already physically compromised. Is losing fat more important than trying to keep my body well and healthy? If my restoration and repairing time is already compromised is it worth doing something that may potentially be more harmful, just because it feels good doesn't make it right??

If I am really honest with myself and my readers I have to admit what I admitted to my dh and the owner of my gym. My problem was never having the food under control, I was able to lose my weight through excessive exercise for the most part,  the most I managed to stay completely on track was 6 weeks and I showed myself what I could accomplish if I did that, it's time to dig deep and not be swayed by emotion.

I have one month of pt left roughly and as my dh pointed out Sean will be glad to see the back of you, sorry Yoda :(

I decided this last week to give IF a go, a friend has been doing it for a few weeks and has had remarkable results losing 10kgs in just over 6 weeks and while her routine works for her, I know it's not right for me. so I asked for advice from a pt I know who has used IF in the past with success (def not yoda), who is against fasting in any way. The pt I asked also made a point of saying it will not be something that will have the same results long term as it does short term and that I will most likely need to return to eating more frequent small meals at some point  in the future to continue getting results. I gave it a 10 week time frame or until Christmas to see what happens, I want to change the way I feel about food and eating.  

 I know there are many of my readers who will disagree with the idea of fasting and especially exercising fasted and not eating for another 6 hours after exercising ( I do have 20grams of bcaa post training),  that's ok it's not going to work for everyone. For me I have been amazed at how I feel in the mornings, and my ability to train with no food consumed before hand, I expect this coming week it will not be great as it has been this week,  I am currently trying to deplete all my glycogen stores and am eating very very low carb, that will change after and initial 10 days or so, I just need to give my body a clean slate to start this off properly and well it's no secret I am a sugar addict.

During the fasted state I  drink black coffee and black coffee with coconut oil ( keeps the body burning fat) and herbal tea. I am generally more alert and aware and don't feel so sleepy, so for now I will continue with my trial and see what happens. 

It's hard to really express what I am going through, trying to make others understand your thoughts on something so personal like trying to change your life, feeling like a failure and having those feelings exposed publicly like this blog. 

Then there are people who look at you, see your size  and say things like " just do this and this and this and you won't fail, you'll be successful lose weight and that's it."

 I wish it was that easy, I wish I could just instantly change who I've become in the past few months and be who I was 6 months ago, I honestly do not know what happened to change me into who I am at the moment and how lost I feel. 

2013 was supposed to be the year I shined, broke through my weight loss plateau and conquered this fitness goals I had, instead it's been a year of weight gain and injuries and I've fallen into it all with a sense of hopelessness that this is where I am destined to be. Struggling and fighting but never really overcoming all that's held me captive for so long food and my body. 

Friday night my gym had a dinner to present the winners of our recent 12 week challenge with their awards, the hard working dedicated participants of the challenge also  received a participation medallion. I was really enjoying the night and celebrating with those who did so well, then during the presentations my pt  gave a speech congratulating me,  on all I'd achieved, I felt so undeserving of his lovely speech and praise talking about all I've achieved and the award in general.I just wanted the ground to swallow me, here I was sitting with women and men  who had achieved amazing results and I did not earn of deserve any of the recognition they did at that point. I don't want to feel like that anymore. 

I want to be better, feel better look better so I am not feeling like I've let everyone who has supported and believed in me down. So I am trying something unconventional and against all that I've been told, in an attempt to alter the person I am ashamed of that I  have become,  back to the person I was starting to be proud of and all that I have achieved. 

Ok  so today was a shopping experience I would rather forget, in order to acknowledge it change it and learn from it, I need to own it!I purchased a pair of 3/4 pants that should of fitted no problem, they were the same size as some jeans I bought recently and a size larger than what I wore last year.

I am not living in denial I am full aware there has been and increase in my size in the last year, mostly the last 5 months, I accept it but hadn't realised the reality of how that affected me until this morning.. I know you are possibly thinking just buy a larger size and while that was an option it felt like I was saying I give up, I have become hopeless and I might as well accept where I am at, it's unlikely to get any better and just live with it, problem is I don't want to. I've had enough of feeling less because of how out of hand I've let myself get.

Giving up is just not an option, nd the only way I can beat this is to just freakin do it! I am to young to live like such and old person because my joints can't support my body.

Deleted my blogs from the last year, because I do not feel that I am that person any more and dwelling on the past is not going to help me. I read a post of someone who struggles with some of the things I do especially binging and my weight going up since surgery and my  lack of ability in training is a reaction to life, I need to choose how the reaction will go and getting frustrated and upset about it will not change it.
So once and for all I am pushing aside the me that is full of self doubt and negative thoughts of failing if I entertain that idea that's exactly where I will end up.

From this moment I am going to be determined, consistent and not give up, no matter what happens with my faulty body!