Heres my NEW YEARS  goals for 2015: Life, health, work and family.


1: ALove more, my family, friends, customers, enemies I do no want to miss an opportunity to be the reason someone else needs to  smile,  we all have an opportunity to be a light to someones dark. I want to see those opportunities and embrace them.
1B: Embrace more opportunity to expand my part in Art and Soul and all the off shoots of that.

2: Plan and save for a  holiday to an unexplored destination for our family.

3a: Respect my body by providing it with  the right environment to reach my goals and fitness potential without added injury and stress. Follow the guidelines for the program I have committed to following 100% not just when I feel like it.
3B: Be honest with myself and my  trainer(s)  when my body is not in an ideal state to train, rather than drug my way through the session with pain killers( this happens way more than it should).

4:  Help my husband build our business, keep my hand in the SS pie and build my own business so that I can do what I love and love what I do.

5: Look into re  enrolling for second semester 2015 and  completing the counselling degree I started in 2010....

6: Freely accept that all of these may change and I need to adapt to that.

Been thinking about Gillian Michaels and the maximise your life tour, so much encouragement and belief I could step out of my comfort zone and be a better version of me. 

 I went to on the 30/10 event  and I really allowed her words of wisdom to wash over me, I have been doing things I would never normally do but think maybe one day . 

I have booked in sky diving for the 8/12 with my gorgeous friend Danni and cannot wait to jump out of the sky even though I am afraid of heights. 

I  read about and then pain for and signed up for a seemingly super  intense 3 hour  bootcamp which physically I would never be strong enough to do, it will all  be about my  mental toughness which is a challenge not going to lie,  and then yesterday I booked in with thump  to get my boxing accreditation. 

So there are definitely parts of the night and the message about  maximising my life that I am taking on board but there is part of me that holds back.  I thought about the things that hold me back and I am writing them down here so I can really work on them. 

1: My physical appearance being the best I can be, there is a sense of shame in the  lack of achieving my personal goal.

 What has led to me not achieving that maybe I just haven't wanted it badly enough? The saying goes if it's important enough for you, you will make it happen no matter what. Maybe I am just not strong enough to achieve it. 

I am honest and recognise that  there are many  components to not achieving my goals yet.  Some mental and some physical that I can easily step up and change. 

 Sleep or lack of it after having a misfit and tracking it every night  I average about 3.5-4 hours of restful sleep a night I'm not sure if that is sufficient out of an 8 hour period or weather we should be having more restful sleep. I know 8 hours of sleep is recommended but does that mean it's all classified as restful sleep. 

Pre preparing my food or at least planning it, I found this last 12 weeks I was great at ensuring Scott had food for the day but not great with ensuring my meals were prepped and ready to go and I was easily distracted then to eat whatever I could get hold of often not the best choices or well constructed meals. 

Positivity I have issues with how I see myself, always have probably always will but I'm working on improving the way I talk to myself. 

that's just my reflection for today.

Today is a good day, for multiple reasons one being I made the decision to stop living in fear of failing in my dream to work in fitness and take action to achieve the dream.

I received some encouragement from some awesome chicks that help me believe it's possible to be me and still offer a service that will be valuable to someone.

Since finishing I have procrastinated about registering, so I can actually begin being a personal trainer and actually invest in the dream by starting to train those who have asked. Why have I procrastinated because I took this meme to hear, honestly I felt like people would mostly feel like this and I had nothing to offer.

So I decided to take a more positive approach and have enrolled myself in a Thump boxing training weekend, so I can learn about what I love. A couple of days ago I registered for a 3 hour endurance bootcamp in a few weeks and I'm jumping out of a plane. 

So I may not be the leanest pt but I guarantee I will put my heart and soul and invest all that I am  into being the best I can be for those who choose to train with me. 

Not sure how this post will read, there are a lot of emotions swirling inside me at the moment and I am unsure where I am headed.

This blog was started 2.5 years ago as an accountability tool to myself, in an attempt  to try and focus my direction and help me with my fat loss and fitness goals.
Today I look  back on that time and I see a massive bell curve in in both fitness, fat loss and general health and well being and physically I am back to square one.

I thought this year studying fitness  would bring me back to a place where my life externally reflected   how I feel internally about exercise and fitness meaning I would gain the body size, shape, weight I have wanted since day 1.

What do you know history repeated and this has not been the case,  I am actually  finishing  the year in a worse place than where I started, I am stronger but that achievement seems irrelevant to me as it was not one of the SMART goals I set  when I first joined the gym and more importantly when I first started pt.
Today Sunday 9/11  the rest of my goals seem so much further away than even 12 months ago that I am unsure how they are ever going to happen.

Honestly I was  studying fitness/ nutrition  how does that even happen, that I gain fat during the course?  Don't get me wrong this year has been one of the best most stressful hard years I have gone through yet I just feel I did myself out of finishing the year on the high it could of.

 I am writing it out because honestly feeling miserable and filled with  self loathing  about the past is  making it harder to step away, it is a pattern of behaviour I know is not going to change me, it just makes me feel even worse than I already do.

It's one month yesterday until I jump out of the sky from 14,000 feet above Melbourne so I am going to focus on what I can achieve in this next lot of 4 weeks 28 individual days to get through and do the best that I can each and everyone.

For my new f/b friends this  is part of my picture of life change  story so far. I joined Genesis Cranbourne in May 2011 ( thanks to Keith Perumal) , it changed my life. I started training with Sean Bishop aka Yoda in August 2011 and have continued to train with , annoy, ignore, fight with,  get angry at but mostly admire, feel inspired, encouraged, motivated and blessed to learn from him ever since. He is stubborn and determined and I may of taken a while to appreciate that he's stubborn because he cares, yet now today I can honestly say he has been the best money I've spent since I decided to change my life.


My blog is a snippet of  where I started , I have deleted a lot of it and re written parts and this isNOT the end.

The number on the scales is not the heaviest I got to but it  is what I was when I was  actually game enough to weigh myself,  fairly certain I was a good 15- 20 kg heavier when I had Ethan. So my body, joints etc have had a lot to hold up over the last 15/ 20 years. I have learnt this  number does not define who I am nor did it when I was at my largest. A number on a scale does  not define who I am as a person and it's taken me a long long time to accept this.

Why would anybody  share so openly, a body which is so far from where I want it to be? quite frankly embarrassing to look at? This is a body that I struggle to look at in the mirror every day,  not now nor has it EVER been a body  I am happy with. The gravity of that is huge,  I am 40 years old and for as long as I remember I have never once looked in a mirror and thought you know what, you are ok.

Now here it is for all of the people who choose to read it to read?

I am not ashamed of me as a person, I think I am a reasonably good person most of the time, yet the way I feel when I look at myself in a mirror , that makes me feel like the lowest of the low, I avoid it until it cannot be avoided. I feel ashamed of what I see, unable to see  any differences at times to when I began,  no matter how hard I try the negative ways I think of myself come shining through more often than not. I feel like I should of achieved my goals long before now, not stumbling to get to the point I want still.

 I realise I am not alone in feeling not good enough! I have some of the most gorgeous class mates who are all stressing about wearing bathers on the weekend for our water aerobics class. So this post is to empower them while  empowering  me, I don't care if it offends you because I have stretch marks and chubby bits.  This is for me, the journey I am travelling and I want to feel ok with  myself along the way so that no matter what I love who I am wherever  I end Up.

I am hoping it's some place with defined quads, delts, lats, bi's, tri and a flatter stomach!

My personal Journey The photo reflects a bit of where I started and where I've been but not currently where I am at in terms of healthy life style etc. 

I lived most of my life as an overweight/ obese as a  child I was born 5 weeks prem at 5 pounds 3 ounces by the time I was adopted at 13 weeks of age I was over 13 pounds food was always the comfort I sough out and still can bring an emotional high like nothing else. 

I have been called things like Kelly Jelly belly I always had a protruding belly, never have I looked down and seen a flat lower abdomen I mean never ever,  I remember being called Fat Kelly from the start of year 7  from school class mates and the memories of the taunting of  my parents friends stayed with me. 

 Always as a child/ teenager I was  told I was big boned,  never going to be slim, lean etc. If  While the words may of meant nothing but trying to be encouraging to the people saying them, they have been foundational in laying the path of negative self talk that takes over in my head. The belief and fear that I will never be those things. I know I have worked at changing those words and the way I feel about myself but sometimes the continual pattern of being stuck makes it seem like the reality of the words is the reality I am destined to live. 

Last week was the 3 year anniversary of my first pt session, I took 6 months off using a pt from November last year, but  I was still doing small group training with the same trainer and so have still felt connected to the guidance of the pt who has helped to change some of the negative into positive. We are about to undertake a new challenge at the gym and I am really excited to be a part of this I just wanted to voice how I was feeling going into the challenge. 

I am committed to doing the challenge and changing my habits from negative into positive, do I see this as the change that will lead me to the path of successful change. Nope I am fearful this will be just another failure in a long line of them. How can I change this, the only thing that will change this is my thoughts I know that now more than ever. I need to accept there is not perfect situation that makes it all come together. I just have to make the choice to be the person I need to in order to succeed, there is no easy way to achieve what I want. 

Starting today I am committing to seeing the process through, not just the physical process of doing the appropriate amount of training and having the nutrition that supports it all, I am talking more about believing it is possible, that no matter what has come before it does not define what will happen now. Changing the way I view myself and my possible success into a actual reality of the success I know is possible  is the only way for me  to succeed. 

September 1 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, how can I study fitness and still struggle sometimes with my own journey to health and well being. You know what that's life, you are kidding yourself if you think once you reach a goal weight, size shape that everything will just fall into a place where it's easy. You have to consciously make a commitment to be better, do better every day.

I feel embarrassed sometimes when people ask what I'm studying and I tell them and I can see it in their eyes. The really YOU'RE studying fitness, how can someone not fit/ lean study fitness.

My decision to study was never about wanting to be a personal trainer to the fit and athletic, it was about wanting to provide some guidelines for fitness and nutrition, valuable  information that has changed my life so completely I do not recongnise the person I once was. To be a source of inspiration and motivation to those who are lost and struggling beyond my comprehension with depression and anxiety and are just wanting to take control of their life and move forward.

Maybe I can learn to over come my own issues with self esteem, self worth and be who I was created to be, maybe the purpose of all this is to allow me to make  conscious decisions to exercise and nourish my body because it is the only way I can function and live to my potential. Growing and learning about how my body functions has been so much fun. I just want to learn more and be able to pass on that knowledge.

I may not be the vision of someone who is lean, fit strong but I'm working on it, step but step day by day.

For those who are new to my blog, it's for my fat/ loss life gain it's my way to deal with how I feel and sometimes my frustrations at life and my training.

Life is very different to how I pictured it would be when I first committed to losing weight and training to achieve a goal size/ body shape , so much more than I ever expected it to be studying to be a pt/ work within the fitness industry certainly not something I would have ever envisioned I would participate in and love!

Okay my accountability my post from last night,  I sound like a fucking ( sorry) whining princess. Seriously I was so absorbed in myself I didn't stop to see anything positive in the day and that shit house attitude followed me into today, so when things started falling apart I will ill prepared to deal with them, this lead to the old which lead me to seek comfort  in giant popping candy freddo'(s) yes there were two.

I know it my head this is not food, this item should not be included as a food item in my fitness pal it did not nourish or feed me it  enabled me to fed my addiction to sugar and my desire to not  deal with my emotions and simply push them aside  by eating them. A most childish destructive pattern of behaviour. 

This came about because to be honest I am feeling a little overwhelmed with life at the moment. I am just managing to keep my head above water and I feel like I am letting my friends, family,  house cleaning, schooling, work, business, training, eating go to shit quicker than I want. 

Enough of feeling bloated and sorry for myself, I decided to be proactive this afternoon and while I wanted to get out how I was feeling. It's not how I am currently feeling. 

I visited GSO to get some more kombucha, a apple cider vinegar drink, green juice and a shot of chlorophyll upside I feel better within my body and my mind feels more at peace because I am not buzzing from sugar or caffeine. I managed a whole day with no double shot long black, macchiatos or soy piccolo lattes that is a miracle in itself. 

Tomorrow will be better and I will be focused on my attempt to JFFA like I intended~

Food prep done for tomorrow already and no excuses! 

Upper body training done tonight with  no coffee or pre workout that was a first for awhile.

Hope your Monday has been marvellous. 

much love

Today has been really a time of reflection and wonder at why I continue with my struggle to be my best self.
I am not talking about lack of discipline in eating or no training I am talking about my self view, how I see myself and I know it has a negative impact on my behaviour.  Yesterday I was with my class and we were participating in interval training, I can't run I tried against advice because I hate feeling weak and I felt a stabbing pain shoot straight through my meniscus. I push myself to try and be on an equal footing with those around me because I have always been separate, different, bigger whatever I've always felt I don't belong.

Yesterday I felt pretty good, in pain but good then I saw the photos from yesterday and I felt embarrassed, shame that I look like that, why am I even here thinking I have any advice that can help others in a similar situation to me.

It's relevant when you are wanting to empower and release others from being held back by their self to be able to say I'm in a place of value, that I deserve to be listened to, today I do not feel any were near that place.

I don't write often anymore and maybe I need tonight, to be able to express  the moments of self doubt I experience not as often anymore thankfully. Yet I  don't  allow the doubt to diminish my desire to succeed and be the best version of me.  I will succeed there will be good days and bad I am using that photo that makes me feel sad to help me move forward.

How is life tracking this week?

 Terrible it started last Friday night and has continued most of the week, eating foods I know are counter productive to my fat loss needs, not doing rehab enough, no foam rolling at all and forgetting my water bottle with me when I leave the house.

Training has begun again and I am back to a  bare minimum, no high intensity, just light upper body and  even that was hard, working at a much lower level intensity than what I did before surgery and it was hard! I am sure  my strength regression and subsequent pain with returning to training is noticeable to my trainer but he keeps being positive and telling me I am doing great even when it feels crappy :-)

What has  lead to such a downward spiral in my emotional state and a lack of positive thoughts this week?
A self imposed sense of failure, bought on by comparing myself to someone else the number one no no in fat loss/ fitness goals, sure be inspired but comparing is never the answer. I was motivated and instantly ashamed of myself because I was looking at someone who has smashed their fitness and nutrition and achieved in 6 months what I have been unable to reach whole heartedly for  in 3 years. I can't help it and was overwhelmed with a sense of not being good enough, coupled with the beginning of cert IV this week  and feeling like wtf am I doing, I am a fraud thinking I can be of help to anyone,  clearly I cannot get myself together how could I possibly be able to support anyone else?

Is it of benefit to see myself in such a negative light no, the negative leads to more negative and the cycle becomes constant. My daily joy and being with friends, family, hobbies, gym etc loses it's value and I start to withdraw. This morning I had a commitment to do something in relation to my cert IV training and  I couldn't keep the appointment because of this sense of failure within me,  I know this week I have  let myself down but I feel like I have let others down to and while I know  it's a completely  irrational thought process that's where I am at. So instead of dwelling on it and continuing the spiral into myself I am blogging it once again, making it public and being accountable for what happens from this moment onwards.

Each decision I make today will  feed my soul, nourish my body  and move me out of the comfortable place I am in once again. Self loathing is easy to me, loving myself through the good and the bad is the battle.

ok this blog has been a source of great support to me over the past 2.5 years, I've deleted my entire blog a couple of times and I've deactivated it. I liked sharing my  life and the struggle to make my life healthier and  all that I am trying  to achieve. 

Today's post is reflective, remembering all  of the time I have wasted over the past 3 years, not a negative post. Simply a  look at myself,  just an acknowledgment that I have felt so bad about myself at times, certain failures in parts of this life change, that I robbed myself of seeing the good. 

Almost 3 years down the track since I made the decision that I wanted to change my life,  I am still doing all I can to exercise regularly, change my food habits and control my sugar cravings that can lead to binging. 

What has helped this year, a conversation with my counsellor that had me change the way I was doing things. I relaxed my ideas on what I believed to be the "right " way and have accepted my flaws, broken body parts and tried to work with them. I have relaxed my nutrition have lost fat and am less likely to binge than before. I am not saying I don't ever eat what I shouldn't but I feel less guilt and it is all helping to shift the fat I've been trying to lose for 2 years. 

I respect my body more,  I probably pushed a bit hard the last couple of weeks before surgery, but in hind sight I don't regret that as it looks like my  knee was ready to tear on the other side anyway and this was what I thought would happen so pushing meant  if there was a tear it would be evident and repaired then and  no need for surgery again in 6-12 months. I also was in the right frame of mind this time, so listening to my physiotherapist and his recommendations to restrict my exercise has been easy. Accepting keyhole surgery is still surgery and requires time to heal this time, big change to last time. So instead of a month after surgery me gaining weight, this time I have not worried about the scales but I know I have not gained weight as my clothes fit well and I feel comfortable. 

oh and I am 1/2 way through my fitness course, gosh this was the best decision I ever made. I had no desire to work in the fitness industry when I started, purely doing this so I can provide a service with art n soul in a voluntary capacity and for my own knowledge of muscles and nutrition and programming. 

My thoughts on that are changing, there are moments when I think, I might actually have some skills to help others, maybe if I can just get to x weight and do a full body pull up with no band then  maybe I could try to work in the industry.  Apparently unless you can pull up people shouldn't chose you to be their pt ;-), I want to inspire someone or some people  to push their comfort zone and be better just like Sean did and continues to do for me. I want to flog some specific individuals ( Trudy ). 

Anyway just wanted to share where I am at, I feel positive and hopeful that this is the year it all finishes with the coming together of myself and who I want to be. 

So much has happened in the past 3 weeks with regard to my body, training and life. The last active training session I had was boxing almost 3 weeks ago and I am actually not that upset with how my body is feeling a little soft but not to bad considering.

My food has not been amazing, but it is so much better than this time last year after my first scope, I have some fantastic days and then there are the days like yesterday where dinner was left over home made gnocchi. It was a meal  we were delivered from our church after I had surgery, then we all  had an ice cream sunday with choc orange ice magic while watching a movie. Have not had ice magic in 6 months OMG it was so good...

So exercise wise it's been stationary bike riding for no more than 20 mins ( my physio felt he needed to clarify this did not mean 20 mins of an RPM class that would involve standing and lots of tension) not sure why he thought I would try to do that? This is combined with a list of rehab exercises.

Now if I am  to be completely honest,  with the amount of pain I am experiencing,  there is no way I could do anymore. I am able to do 1/4 squats with a fitball, bridging, calf raises a couple of other exercises specific for post surgery recovery and even  they hurt my quads and hamstrings. Last Wednesday it  actually hurt like I had been doing stiff leg deadlifts, my glutes were screaming, makes me really worried for my actual return to genfit I guess it will just be a slow process. My physiotherapist appointment is Thursday,  he said if all looks good I can start a light upper body only gym session.

My follow up appointment with the surgeon was last Tuesday, he said Kel ( he actually does call me Kel) there was a lot of damage in that knee, a lot more than we saw on the MRI, we will probably need to do this again in a couple of years. Nothing I had not expected as my left knee has always been an issue, I was 8 the first time I had to be on crutches in a 1/2 plaster cast  because of unexplained swelling and pain.

Now that I am 40, I am determined to do what's necessary to ensure that I do in fact age ok and there is no  need for another scope in 2 years because of my  negligence. That being said it is time to give up my hope of ever " running"in  a fun run. For over two years I have been advised that me feet are not made for running, now my knees are definitely not built for running,  I guess I can walk a fun run but the reality is  I won't ever be able to run on concrete without a risk of injury. I need to accept that given there is virtually no support left around my patella especially on the left side, maintaining my ability to keep active is more important than running.

So all in all, I am actually pretty happy with my post surgery recovery this time, I will continue to be mindful of all that I am doing, rehab as much as possible before trying to do more and see what I can achieve over the next 6 months.

My last observation for cert III is on Thursday night, special pops observations and a nutrition talk ( clearly no one would want my nutrition advice :-) )  then I have finished cert III and am 1/2 way through the fitness course,  cannot believe it that I have actually not procrastinated at all  :-)

Tomorrow I have my second arthroscope in 12 months to fix torn meniscus flap and a hole in my patella. Hoping they can make it as good as the right one is although I still feel my strength in my right leg is not as strong as the left, so hoping my ability to squat and lunge will come back without to much effort....

Focused on eating well to aid recovery this time, instead of losing the plot and spiralling out of control for months on end after surgery like last year, do not want to get to a point where I feel I just cannot get back on track again after the effort of the past 12 weeks.

Life is going to be very different in a few weeks and I am excited and a little scared at what will happen in regards to my training once I am working more. I am going from working 11 hours a fortnight to working 23+ a week, which isn't huge I know but given I also work one day in the factory, trying to study and looking out for four kids, my life is busy. I am also easily distracted when trying to do my home work on the computer as you can see.....

 Currently I train with a group of people and I love it, it's just a perfect fit for me. Unfortunately I will now be working one of the days I usually train every week and another one every other week. so I am going to be more accountable for pushing myself outside of the group just as much as I do when training as part of the group. I just love the motivation and inspiration I get from training with others and I know I am not as focused when doing it by myself. Maybe I should start training with my husband...

I am pleased with this photo, I know I expected more, but for the first time in a long while I lost fat by being consistent and not trying to exercise more to counteract any not ideal food choices I may of made.

Looking at the next 12 weeks and what I can achieve for myself, without being so weighed down by scales and expectations placed on me by me...

So I've been focused and  keeping on keeping on these past 6 weeks, don't think much has changed to my last measurements to be honest, don't feel like my clothes are any loser or they look any different but will see exactly what's going on Thursday morning!

Was surprised with the exercise I completed this week and that I'm not sore, I was tired yesterday in bed by 7:30 reading,  but sleeping has been non existent for most of the last 2 months I am lucky to get 4 hours a night :(

So last week
  Monday: Boxing  with a dude who likes to hit hard and I thought he might break my hand at one point.
Tuesday: Genfit upper body was a little intense again, but not as bad as the week before I don't think.
Wednesday: Genfit cardio and I had to give up on the last round because of my back going out doing a kb swing.
Thursday: Genfit lower body then we had observations at school and there were 5x10 min circuits I participated in with my VFA team and I did things I never thought possible like push up claps and renegades.
Friday: Boxing with myself and a grumpy instructor with sore hamstrings.
Saturday: More circuits this time outdoor in the car park at school, there was lots of challenging interesting stuff to try and it only poured once during the afternoon fortunately that wasn't when I was running suicides for that circuit. I reluctantly  decided not to do that last circuit but certainly not least which included a jog backwards, sprinting and frog jumps.....

This week will be my last before surgery so I plan to get as much in as I can, just putting it out there.

Busy week, great week and I am really happy!

Had my 12 week challenge measurements done, late because apparently I am easy to forget about cause my trainer forgot he had not done mine.

Anyway mid way is tracking ok, can only continue to be consistent and I shall see the result I want for the end of the challenge. Coincidently is the day before I am booked to have my tear and bone hole in my patella fixed.

Trial finished at alternative gym, was good to see what other gyms do and to cement the knowledge that I love the program I am doing, which is a combo of strength and cardio and I don't want to give it up, even though I know it will take time to return to the team  after surgery, I know I want to keep doing the kind of training that I am currently doing if I can.  6 training sessions was to much this week I feel buggered, really really stuffed.

Thanks to all the positive chick from Envie and Berwick, you were warm and welcoming and lovely.

Will update in 6 weeks but until then think I will be a bit quiet for now.

Enjoy your weekend.

I have come to realise I love functional training above all else even boxing this has become my favourite.My choice this morning was 45 mins of tabata at the gym I have a 5 day trial at  or upper body with the genfit crew. I chose genfit because I love the way we train, I love the group of people and what we do.

I enjoyed the class yesterday was lovely to meet new people, I enjoyed being  in a different kind of  group setting. It was just the idea of doing another almost all cardio workout,  actually did not thrill me, anywhere near like  it used to.  I thought about all I am trying to achieve and what that class would do to help me reach my goals and I knew another cardio session was not what I needed or wanted. I know I have become one of those people who is happy to do as little cardio as possible! I love my 30 minutes once a week and the occasional extra box if I get to go, but doing cardio every day like I used to YUCK. ( sorry)

Was pleased with my workout today, even though my shoulder is a bit stuffed, from stupidly  trying to demo a 5kg lateral raise last Thursday, I know I don't do over head movements but didn't think lateral raise when I have a labral tendon tear is probably the worst thing to do  :( now I have pain, pain pain.

 I reached my best bench press weight again today, it was the same as last week  no progressive overload but no regression either which is ok, not huge for someone my size I know but seeing  as I do have that shoulder issue I am happy with my  65kg x 4 reps, managed  to do 24kg kettle bell high pull with no issue  but my shoulder could not hold the bar to deadlift, kept on falling forward so that was only going to be a light  50kg but it was ok I did something and I can hopefully get my tendon pushed out of the way and it will be back in place by next week!

What a difference a week makes, I cannot believe I felt so good last week,  my shoulder was the best it's been for ages now from one stupid move,  it's backwards so frustrating! At least I will have a broad understanding of how easily injuries can be affected in training....

I noticed a bit of a regression in my acceptance of compliments today, when a lady said to me she noticed my middle was looking slimmer the past few weeks, I literally wanted to melt into the ground. I don't like to think that  I am noticed in the gym. It helps me to believe  no one sees me, I really don't like  it when people give me compliments especially when it's in regards to the part of my body I hate the most.  If she has taken notice of the fact it's changed then she clearly noticed when it wasn't changed. It  makes me feel uncomfortable  that people would pin point part of you, which is why I usually avoid wearing clothing that is firmer in any way.

Morning all hope you are enjoying this fine weather we are experiencing today sunshine whoop whoop!

So for the past week and definitely since Thursday I have tried to stick to a low carb ( ketogenic) diet, initially I was pleased with how I felt generally I didn't seem to be craving fruit, oats or the occasional wrap or chocolate.
Unfortunately  I did however experience, a complete lack of energy, I was  trying to get through my missed leg workout Saturday afternoon, I made it to about 20 mins and I had to give up. At the time I  put it down to being at school all day before hand and having a slight tickle in the throat that I may be getting sick. I didn't stop to think that I had restricted my carbs to such low levels my body wasn't functioning well.

Yesterday I was at work, then at church and really didn't do anything terribly strenuous so thought I was alright. Then  this morning I went to try out a new gym ( we've been told to try out a range of different styled training places as part of our course, most have free trials and so this week I am) who knows I may take out another membership or it may just be for gaining knowledge on where I might like to try and find work when I am done, yes I am starting to think about working in the industry with specific demographics. I STILL LOVE MY GYM , TRAINING BUDDIES AND TRAINER THOUGH :-)

 Anyway I felt flat, a bit shakey and not myself before the boxing class started. Then within 10 minutes I was completely fatigued, I could feel my heart working so hard and my oxygen levels just were not what I needed. I am starting to understand why I have been sweating so much lately during training, as well as gasping for breath. Obviously with the lack of oxygenated blood in my body currently ( anaemic) something I have never experienced before and  the intensity I am trying to train at is just not achievable without some acute responses. Add to that my lack of carb intake over the last week blah blah blah is how I felt. Tired, shakey exhausted !I do not know how anyone can maintain a state of ketosis and function during intense exercise program because I clearly cannot? Even my thought process was changed my response time to questions my kids were asking last night was vague.

Respect your body, listen to it and it will reward you with functioning the way it's supposed to. Deprive it to long and clearly you will pay :-)

Time for some sweet potato and meat I think :-) hahaha

So a couple of things have happened this week, had a blood test on Tuesday just to check my blood work due to being 40 now, cholesterol was excellent  yeah eating a high protein diet with lots of saturated fats like coconut oil is bad for your heart! My fasting  bsl was good  I was expecting to find out I was pre diabetic, thyroid, vitamin b12,  vitamin D could be better but the surprising thing is I am quite anaemic even though I consume red meat at least 3-4 times a week so the Dr has told me to eat red meat every day, take an iron supplement and go on the pill ( undecided about that one ) to try and bring my iron level up. Totally explains my fatigue with training and afterwards lately, I thought I was getting really breathless and struggling to push to the end  with our cardio sessions. I thought it was simply  because I was super unfit  now,   I know that is not why which  makes me feel a bit happier :)

Yesterday I took Ethan and myself to see a naturopath who thinks I could benefit from a ketogenic diet, given my insulin sensitivity which is inherited he believes which I have passed onto Ethan this type of diet will benefit me he feels.

So lots to think about and investigate but thought I would share it here.

Going to start with the positives loving learning about the body and fitness as part of my course,  am loving my training team and the program we are doing, the improvements I have made in strength and determination to push myself. Super happy with finding the right amount of training session  to rest that works for me, happy with my progress for the challenge so far,  just not loving my in ability to only  eat foods I know are  part of the plan for me to reach my goals for the year.

Back to the basics board and stopping trying to manipulate the plan to suit my wants and not my needs nutritionally. My weakness this week was relying on pre packaged protein bars and home made protein balls to get me through  when I was out and about and I know that's bad but I did it, so this week I will make no protein balls and keep the  protein bars out of site.

Looking forward to surgery not looking forward to the backwards step with my training though.

I have read a few motivation quotes that say something like " people are so busy counting calories, when they should be more concerned with  counting chemicals."

I partly agree with this, conversely it annoys me. I can see  yes we should have a diet that is as close to nature or as un refined, free of artificial chemicals etc that we can, I do not disagree with counting calories. Sorry I have found it is essential  to keep myself  accountable to my daily macros etc. 

Keeping track of the calories I am consuming/eating is not wrong, I have found it's been the only way that seems to work for me. For over a year  I have been mostly un successful with the concept that eating  "clean" is all that matters. For me quantity does matter there are times when my eating is on point 100%  and at other times not so strict and giving into my old life style choices. 

For the past few weeks I have been tracking my food in myfitnesspal and I am feeling a lot more in control and confident with what I hope to achieve this year, starting with being leaner, lighter and fitter by the time I book my next lot of knee surgery, not for any other reason than allowing my recovery to be as good as it can be.  

Each day I will be as kind to myself as I can, allowing adequate recovery time, exercise, food and loving myself through it all. 

I am worth it and so are you!

Today's workout was so much fun and I surprised  myself with what I could push my body to do, thought I would not make it through today's  continuous circuit but I did :) for a strength day there sure was a lot of sweat.....

Now to surprise myself with what I can do for the rest of the day if I remain focused and organised for the rest of the day~~

Week 4 of the challenge and it's feeling like time to kick it up a bit and see what I can do!

So we are almost at the end of the third week of the 12 week challenge and so far I am feeling ok with how it's all going. I don't think there has been a huge change but what has changed is noticeable to me and I am happy with that. Could I do better ? I am  sure I could refine my food choices  a bit, I know that I've been focused on not giving in to craving or binges and so far I am reasonably happy.

Binging. what I mean by that word is probably different to someone else's definition. It's been a bad habit of mine for as long as I can remember, I am sure I've probably mentioned it on here before. Has it changed since I started to get my life on track? Yes it has, can it still be an issue yes it is,  but I am taking control of it one episode at a time.

Binging is never really about food, it's usually always a trigger un related to food that I chose to cope with by shoving all of the emotion down with whatever I can get my hands on. When I feel anxious and stressed it is likely to happen, when I was depressed definitely would happen, now it happens but not as often as it used to.

I view my exercise when I first joined the gym a bit like my binging, I would do way more than my body needed or could handle because it helped keep the feelings away. Did I overtrain, maybe not for some people but for me definitely my body was worn and damaged from the years it carried so much extra weight, was the exercise I was doing good? yes but some was not.

On average before I started 1/1 pt with Sean last Feb I would train for maybe 6 days and 2 times a day  for maybe 3 of those days. Even when doing 1/1 pt I was still doing a lot of extra stuff I really didn't need to be doing. Then genfit started and I am barely able to cope with those 3 sessions and maybe 1 more so from being in the gym probably 8-10 hrs a week I am there maybe 2 at the max now exercising.

Looking forward to fitX this weekend and seeing some of my fitness idols hopefully irl :)

Have a great long weekend...

Ok so I haven't been to the gym to  exercise in almost a week, mainly because my hips have felt terrible and then today I am working. Really not much has improved in a week except there is more pain on my right now and not so much on the left. I keep being asked why I am limping I don't realise I am but obviously my hips are throwing everything out. I know I need to spend a decent amount of time on the foam roller but it just is so painful at the moment I can't bear it for more than a couple of minutes.

Week 3 of the 12 week challenge, feeling like deja vu starting the challenge and having my body throw an injury hissy fit. It hurts to walk let alone try and do any leg work, that is frustrating me and I know my body is needing respect but come on seriously.

Loving learning about the body and fitness related information, really hoping to get into fitX this weekend and see what is in there.

This week has flown by so many things have happened turning 40, partied like it was 1999 haha no actually partied like a 40 year old was home and in bed by 1 AM very boring....

THANK YOU to everyone who came along on the night, all those who put in for gifts or donated I felt really blessed to have been celebrated the way I was.

In the spirit of living each day like it's my last, I decided to book my husband and I a pacific cruise for our 20th Wedding anniversary next Jan. We have never had a decent extravagant holiday, even our honeymoon was a camping trip and while I regret our kids have never enjoyed the gold coast and seeing Queensland I really want to do this with just my husband.

2014 is going to be a great year I have decided, it's not negotiable.

Yesterday marked the taking of the before photo's for the YNB challenge, what is there to say about that ,aside from yuck! It was an unpleasant part of the challenge but a necessary one I know that.

The first two days of the challenge were harder than what I would normally like as we had done no food shopping so was living off very little vegetables and little lean protein. I am going to make sure if nothing else we have tuna in spring water available all the time.

It's hard to admit this but I am finding the idea of re losing the weight I gained from last year such a mental battle.

This challenge provides me with a time frame I can  commit  to and prove to myself food is NO longer in control of me.  What I mean by that is, over the last year I would start a challenge weather public like the one I am currently a part of or private with myself. The problem is  my head, not focusing 100% on my goal for the time frame I was committing to. It was easy to  think it was ok to have "special occasions"doing what I wanted in terms of  nutrition and have a little or a lot of food that is not part of the plan. To be completely honest there was heaps of people around me saying " oh you need to allow yourself "treats" or it's so easy to go off track. Yes that might be true but for me to often a treat meal becomes a slack week and a week becomes 2 etc.

This weekend it's time to do things differently, it is  my 40th yeah time frame to achieve my goal size/ shape not achieved :( but I am not dwelling on the negative I am going to be positive and  my plan  to stay on track will focus me for the weekend.  I am not allowing myself to have a "cheat" no alcohol no food that is not providing nutrition and simply emotional. It will be hard as I know there will be foods I really enjoy around me. I want to prove once and for all that food does not control me, it is simply a way to fuel my body and the moment of enjoyment I experience in a sugar high is just not worth the life time of health problems and self loathing I have had..

While I no longer do 1-1 pt with Sean, he is the pt who runs the group sessions I am a part of and the pt I am working with for the challenge. His comment to me before the challenge started when I was asking him what extra exercise I could be doing during the challenge. He said he would like for me to do the challenge with one training session a week and 100% nutrition to prove to me that it's more about the food than anything. I appreciate his honesty and I know what I need to do to have control over this challenge and my life.


Now to move my body to build some muscle :-)

I feel really frustrated with myself and the way I look physically at the moment, yesterday  however I was reminded of why I started this life change and commitment to get healthy. Why at the end of the day this is about so much more than how I look.

My back has been an issue since I was 17 that's 23 years of living in limbo, not knowing when it will spasm and my spine will twist and I will be unable to walk properly or do simple tasks.

Don't get me wrong, the change in the severity and intensity of when it goes out is huge. The pain  is minimal now compared to how I used to live with daily pain that would often require  anti inflamatory pain medication. An attack would see me bed ridden for a couple of days, thank full that does not happen anymore but it still causes me pain consistently,  I know the facet joints and vertebrae that are struggling with arthritis already do not need the extra weight my obese body is carrying currently.

I appreciate that as a  reminder of the New beginning I am embarking on my back went out yesterday afternoon, saying very clearly that it's past time and way over due to get my shit together. :-)

I also may of drunk a can of sugarfree V and been unable to sleep well. I know that it is  totally shit and not something one should put in their body, so my commitment for the challenge is NO alcohol, NO commercial chocolate ( I am making a raw birthday cake and protein bliss balls for my party with cacao) No other food that is nutrition less only food that is for nourishment. If I stick to this, especially on the weekend of my 40th  my husband has said he will give me a substantial amount of $ to buy clothes with at the end of the challenge ( not sure how much weight he thinks I am going to lose in 3 months :-) )
Bring on the new me I say.

I wanted to of reached my goal before I started studying fitness, I wanted to of achieved my dream and be able to sit in the class room without feeling like I didn't belong, that I shouldn't be there.

I realise my thinking is wrong, wrong because it takes away from my passion of wanting to be there to help others who are struggling with many of the issues I have struggled with,  my reasons for being there are no less valid than anyone else. It is also wrong assuming people will judge me based on the size of my body, with no understanding of who I am.

 I am not stupid there may be members of the class who  think all those things, my sensitivity about how I look right now, clouds my perception of what I believe people see when they look at me. What I am greatful is that I ignored those feelings of insecurity enough to enrol.

This is me being honest with myself about how bad it all is now, this is me in 3 digits again, a place I promised myself never, ever to go back to, yet here I am 2 years later exactly where I was. This picture is sad and inspiring, because I know it can change and I want it to, now more than ever.

My smart goals:

Specific: I want to reach the middle of the healthy weight range for my height.

Measurable: I will be able to track progress with weekly weigh in on a day to be determined.

Attainable: If I continue to train in a controlled manner and eat according to my goals it will be achievable.

Relevant: Achieving the goal is relevant to how I want to live and the desire to pursue helping others through volunteer work.

Time Frame: I want it done by the time school graduates which is November, so 3.9kg a month roughly.

I received an inspiration email yesterday from a site that I joined beginning of last year  to help me keep myself accountable. I was supposed to log when losing fat and weight and write a diary about becoming whole. I don't use the site and actually forget what it was called. The emails come everyday,  little snippets of wisdom for life. They are sent  directly to my phone and make me smile, I usually  feel motivated or I just delete them without reading depending on how I feel at the time. Emotions are never the way to work out your life, I know that but seem unable to avoid the whole "feeling part."

Yesterday's message made me feel sad, frustrated and a bit ashamed at myself. It said think about yourself 6 months from now and how happy you will be for what you have achieved. I remembered receiving a similar type of message around the time of my knee surgery and thinking whoo hoo now this is done I can get on with reaching my goal! 9 months down the track and everyone sees that is not the case at all. I did the opposite of trying to achieve a goal.

I have signed up for another 12 week challenge with my gym call the Genesis Your New Beginning Challenge it is due to start in around 18 days. WHY? I have made a lot of  commitments to myself to reach a physical goal and I have not, I need a fresh start a new focus and a goal to work towards. I have that now, originally my goal was turning 40 I missed that boat :( so now I am focusing on the cruise or island get away I want to go on with Scott for our 20th Wedding anniversary next January 11 months to achieve all I want.  The ynb challenge gives me  accountability to my trainer who will be tracking my progress and I promised this time I would do it properly. I am doing this for myself but he's one person who has had my back and wanted to see me succeed for just about as long as I have. I love knowing I am part of a team of  people who all  want to transform themselves,  to be the best they can be.  I am not competitive enough to want to win, but I can tell you now my husband is doing it to and we are both working with different trainers so between the two of us GAME ON!

I want my 6 months time reflection to be one of joy at what I have achieved not sadness for what I did not achieve.

Legs day today, my favourite except for  when your hammies are already shot from upper body on tuesday it's not looking good...

I have never understood why my husband loves road riding for hours and hours so much or mountain biking. I dislike riding a bike, I do it because I have to in order to gain some strength around my knees not because I want to do it. Mountain biking at least looks like fun but he refuses to take me or let me try for fear I'd go down one hill and do some permanent injury.

I started Saturday with a plan  for 3 bike rides a week  for at least  50 mins to an hour and each ride I have done has been that but I have only managed 40k in 3 rides!  I want to try and find a path that goes for at least 20k's because I hate riding on the road, as soon as I feel the cars behind me I panic. Scott also insists I would find it much easier on a road bike as I use his mountain bike for stability, maybe he will buy me a hybrid for my birthday because I don't like the handle bars on road bikes.

Training wise this week I have probably done a bit to much for someone who is not 100% right in terms of getting enough sleep, recovery and perfect nutrition. Food has been good it's the not being able to sleep that is still a problem.

 I have to log 25 work outs for the course I am doing to pass. I keep forgetting to do it,  so I counted this morning and for this week  I am up to 5 with  today's since Sunday,  plus 3 rides. All done at the gym  have focused on upper body stuff mainly, it  may be why my upper body feels sore everywhere. I know I have done more than I am supposed to, I  used to train like this all the time, I know it's not necessary, I just said yes to my husband when he said come to the gym, then I was looking for what to do Monday and ended up doing two workouts. Fortunately injury has allowed me to change and I recognise that my body cannot handle this amount of training all the time.

Struggling a bit with getting my head right, I am focused on what I am doing, planning and preparing and not giving in to foods that I shouldn't. I am just finding those old pangs of self doubt and moments of thinking  the task is still so big I am sure to fail before I complete it. Not sure if it has been triggered by watching the start of biggest loser or I just keep those feelings at the back of my mind and so they come out when I feel inadequate which is usually after I stand on my scales and see where I am at...

I watched biggest loser season opener last night, I knew it was from Ararat around the area we just holidayed in and we actually saw them filming in Halls Gap we think at the local pool.

I find this show just brings back so many feelings for me, from before I joined the gym and started exercising trying to change my life. I could feel  the overwhelming sense of not being worthy of life, their complete desperation that something has to change but just not being able to put one foot in front of the other and see a way out. Hiding behind layers of fat, keeping yourself fed but not satisfied with life or who you've become.

I felt like a failure when I thought this is the 3rd biggest loser since I started trying to change my life, there are many people I know personally and who I have followed on instagram who started after the 2012 season and have reached their goals and have accomplished so much more than me, I am just not strong enough, mentally tough enough or craving it enough. Why am I still struggling and trying to push past this point?  Then I was reminded of a conversation I'd been a part of at church this evening and my friend Sam had shared a phrase that someone on her facebook had posted and it was something like.
" Instead of thinking about wanting to be happy, think about what you are willing to give up and sacrifice to make yourself happy."

Happiness if that's what I am craving? I am happy, most of the time, I know my blog may sound like I'm not. For me  it's a sounding board and usually once I write stuff down, I can forget it and move on.

 I am happy, because I have found a love of exercise I never dreamed would happen. There are not enough words to describe the high I get  from lifting heavier, being able to do things I didn't think possible is really cool. Yes  I wish I didn't have to adapt most things for injury but I am thankful that I still have a body that can do most of what I want it to. Who is sad they cannot do burpees or jump squats not me :-)

Changing my body size will not make me happy, changing my body size will make me complete!

I want to be complete

Heading into the coming week and returning to genfit 100% with a feeling of dread :D, I've had two work outs this week along with two mornings of kayaking  and I am stuffed ! It started yesterday my legs were killing me by the afternoon  and I haven't even managed a leg session just cardio with some light leg press and squats. I thought I would make up yesterday's missed leg session today but my legs still hurt and I can't motivate myself to go in and do it by myself without the crew there to. So I have decided to consider this still part of my "rest' time of 1 month and then attack next week with focus and commitment and a little fear.

Food has been reasonable considering we have enjoyed a few anniversary activities this week  and it's been lovely having kid free time, I am happy that I've lost 2kg  and my mind is in the right place to keep it up.
I have signed on for another round of the genesis 12 week your new beginning challenge ,as I mentioned and I am really, really excited to see what happens this time, doing it properly.

So far no injuries for the new year, so I have not given up on my New Years challenge :-)

As I said yesterday leaving the past behind and moving forward but just wanted to put this out there as well I weighed myself this morning, post Christmas feasts, holiday enjoyment and the time of year that involved alcohol,chocolates, chips and ice creams desserts etc.

Not going to deny it  was a little sad to see where I am at, to realise the ground I have to re loose to get back to where I've been is :-( it  takes months to move and seems that it  takes little time to gain!

It's a turning point or it's a nothing point, the choice is up  to me. I only  have 6 weeks and 2 days until my 40th  birthday, how do I want to feel when the day arrives?

 I am almost  40 years old, when I think of how I started this life what a blessing that in itself is! I feel so irresponsible with the gift I was given back in 2011, to make a change in my life once and for all, when I think about the school friends I have known who are not celebrating 40, not alive to celebrate making this milestone.

Have I been greedy, selfish and misused that gift, I accept I have not been focused on  giving it as much  dedication and complete commitment that I should of. I am sorry to those who've supported, encouraged and tried to be there for me. Mostly I am sorry to me,  for my lack of consistency, lack of want and inability to just freakin do it.

It's past  time, well over due I need  to stop living like I expect failure, fundamentally that is what it all comes down to.  I expect there would be failure at some point a long the road, for me  here this year has shown me exactly what that feels like once again. I do not want to continue this path of self destruction, it's consuming and painful to be constantly struggling with where your at.

  It's not that I expect it's all going to be smooth sailing, I am not an idiot  or I guess I have been I am not going to continue acting like and idiot. I t know that the regret and feelings of failure I have experienced over the past few months have slowly been taking away the joy. The joy I had found and believed in since joining the gym.  I can feel myself  constantly slipping back into that same old negative mind, the one  that dislikes the person I see in the mirror each day and I am not going to live that way anymore. It's destructive to all my relationships, it's destructive to my life period.  

Today my new journey part of the original  yet different from the one I have been on to this point begins. Fresh start, fresh mind, fresh body!

Enjoy the sunshine 

My 10 days away has come to an end, it was a lovely time of relaxation and restoration. I had plenty of time to think and plan my year, there are no other plans in place other than giving it my all in all things.

With this in mind I am determined and willing to do all I can to ensure there are no more recurring or beginning injuries. Taking each day and appreciating all I have, each breath and each moment I have an opportunity to embrace and I plan to. No looking back, no regrets I am being more than that person who lives with regret.

2014 come as you will.