Today has been really a time of reflection and wonder at why I continue with my struggle to be my best self.
I am not talking about lack of discipline in eating or no training I am talking about my self view, how I see myself and I know it has a negative impact on my behaviour. Yesterday I was with my class and we were participating in interval training, I can't run I tried against advice because I hate feeling weak and I felt a stabbing pain shoot straight through my meniscus. I push myself to try and be on an equal footing with those around me because I have always been separate, different, bigger whatever I've always felt I don't belong.
Yesterday I felt pretty good, in pain but good then I saw the photos from yesterday and I felt embarrassed, shame that I look like that, why am I even here thinking I have any advice that can help others in a similar situation to me.
It's relevant when you are wanting to empower and release others from being held back by their self to be able to say I'm in a place of value, that I deserve to be listened to, today I do not feel any were near that place.
I don't write often anymore and maybe I need tonight, to be able to express the moments of self doubt I experience not as often anymore thankfully. Yet I don't allow the doubt to diminish my desire to succeed and be the best version of me. I will succeed there will be good days and bad I am using that photo that makes me feel sad to help me move forward.
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