Hi,

Lets start off with Hope your week is filled with love,energy and hope that invigorates and motivates you!

My life is a little chaotic at the moment, some days I feel like I don't have a minute to  spare then others I feel like there is a lot more I could accomplish.

There is very little balance with all things health and fitness at the moment, my exercise routine is fairly basic and I really need to be consistent and push a little more than what I have been, I remain focused on healing my body ( that was not the case a couple of weeks ago) and understand that process will not change my outside as quickly as I would like.

I had an in body scale measurement done a few weeks ago, that was a bit of an eye opener and it made me look at myself and my goals and think about what I really desire to achieve.

I need to lose a substantial amount of  body fat that is a no brainer,  but according to my body composition if I want to maintain my current muscle mass the weight I should aim for is a lot different to the number I always imagined I would need to get to in order to be the best I can be.  That was a spin out, being told to reach my goal weight would require 0 body fat and to lose a few kg of muscle, yet according to the bmi charts this is the middle of the road for me in terms of kg weight,  it's made my view of where I should be more flexible and more realistic in the short term.

I still struggle with emotional eating and emotional not eating and trying to get it all in sync is a battle but I know I am still far better off each step I take towards my goal then if I just gave up and said Stuff this.

lets see where I can get to in 12 weeks bring it!

What causes food to become a controlling factor of so many peoples happiness? Why is it such a hard thought process to break? Why do some people come up with the thought process of it's just so easy just don't eat this and eat this WOW gees I wish I had of tried that THANK YOU your wisdom has solved the issue for everyone!

Let me tell you it's never more embarrassing than being in the environment I work in and looking like I do, I wish I could just coat every bit of food with a vile substance that would alter the way I react to food to not stray from the nutritional path I know I should follow.

I constantly feel like a fraud, I love my clients but I'm sure deep down they and my group class participants question my understanding of health and fitness because I am not a walking billboard for health and fitness.

Let's be honest I don't sleep well most nights, I am injured and have to modify most activities and I cannot complete a lot of the workouts I set my clients because of the injuries I have. My mind has not caught up with the idea that it's all about nutrition  but I am continually  working on it.

So I have decided August is a month of wholeness, healing and long term  happiness this is going to be my moto when choosing the meals to nourish my body, the way I will talk to myself and the way I will interact with workmates, family and friends.

I had to choose to not participate in my favourite charity this term as my dh felt my time outside the home was almost at full capacity and my exhaustion levels each evening needed to be simplified with less work not adding to it. I am a little sad but know putting my family and my health and well being first will bring about a peace I see.

August whole 30 starts tomorrow.

My life is a bit chaotic at the moment, I am trying to make a living and support my husband by doing 3 jobs plus squeeze in being  a wife and mother. All this takes time but it seems daunting when I am also slowly, slowly  getting my own health and fitness back on track and focusing on  not dillydallying up a path that is leading me in circles.

I find balance is something my day to day routine is very much lacking in at the moment.

My fitness journey was at it's peak about 3 years ago or one year into my weight loss when I was feeling confident I could achive something I had wanted the whole of my adult life. Now I am not sure what that looks like for me anymore,  but for now I am trying to be positive with where I'm at and  who I am.

Sugar and caffeine are still my number 1 combined de railers! I do not containg the will power to just banish them both from my day, but that's no surprise as  I am weak and no coffee at the moment is not an option because I really want to be neutral about sugar and not an absaloute crack head so will focus on sugar elimination once again.

Exercise is minimal still and quite regressed to what I was doing especially legs training, it's hard to believe he is still around but  Sean is still training me after almost 4 years! Seriously  that kid deservers some kind of medal for putting up with my crazy, inconsistent, stubborn self. His dedication to his craft is admirable and I am so much better than I was 4 years ago, even if others find it hard to see I know in my heart the change was significant.

Feel like I'm  sitting at  the heaviest weight Ive been in 2.5 years but the balliesr I've been  with regards to my journey for ages.
I've actually found balance that seems to flow.


Excessive exercise was never the answer when my nutrition was

This is a blog about everything today!

http://www.theonlinecitizen.com/2015/01/why-im-christian-and-hope-that-gay-marriage-is-legalized/

This blog article is pretty much my thoughts on the gay marriage debate, I don't expect you to change your opinion just articulates where I am coming from.


This week has been an eye opener in terms of where I am at health and fitness wise, urgh but at least denial is no longer!Weight is super duper extra sucktastic, my muscle mass is below expected and my body is a little dehydrated.

Back to doing leg rehab/ little bit of training OMG my butt, an unweighted exercise but it felt like I was kicked in the ass cheek for about 2.5 days thanks YODA!

My issue still seems to be core stability working on keeping those inner oblique muscles switched on. Building a better foundation and then hopefully I can continue to exercise without constantly worrying about my back.

Lets enjoy the next 20 weeks to Christmas...

I started this blog 3 years ago when I discovered clean eating and what I thought would be the answer to allow me to reach my goal size weight successfully lost about 15kg and thought I would def reach my goal within 12 months of starting my blog, never thought I'd be back to worse than square one was then, exercise has been minimal or non existent for the better part of the year, food has been ok at best terrible at worst both lack of food and type at times.

Tomorrow is officially the start of a 12 week program of  commitment, not a challenge just a time from of commitment to remain consistent and focused at least 95% of the time.
I have the support of  another trainer as my accountability person. the commitment I made with her to kick me up the butt if I don't do the correct amount of eating/ training/ accountability tasks is what I need.

I look forward to being able to write here again and monitor my progress without worrying about scales and measurements. I had them taken but refused to look at them, not because I am embarrassed I know how tight my clothes are but because I didn't want to have a number to work with and know I could cheat myself that's usually what I do and this time I want a different ending to the one where I finish feeling like I could of done better, could of tried harder and just want not good enough.

I am to old and to broken physically and mentally to continue this pattern of abuse of myself both inside and out, I am to old to not allow my body the freedom to  function at my best every damn day.

Is it going to be easy def not, will I do anything crazy NO I refuse to be so restrictive with my diet that I cannot maintain it life long or to train ridiculous amounts. I have tried calorie restrictions and excess exercise and the long term is not successful when you cannot maintain it.

Move, nourish, love, care for your whole self.

My goals for the 12 weeks are

1: For the 12 weeks my long term goal is to  Lose a substantial amount of body fat, I am aiming for 10% minimum.

2: My goal for the first 60 days is to every day complete rehab for my back/ knees and shoulder.

3: My goal for the first month is to be drinking no more than one cup of coffee a day and increasing my herbal teas.

4: My goal for the first week is to have all the allocated meals at the correct time, prepped and eaten not substituted because something else looks better.

5: My goal for tomorrow is to get through my whole training session, listen to what I am told and finish  knowing I gave it everything I had both mental and physical.

thanks for reading.

Today is Easter Sunday, a seemingly spiritual and important date on the Christian calender, yet monopolised by the chocolate manufacturers/ farmers  of the world.

Marketing and production to  sell a substance of addiction legally, to celebrate the breaking of slavery and bondage. Seems ironic that people especially  parents around the world choose to supply the crack equivalent to their children, willingly feeding the cycle of sugar addiction and potential life long issues that come with it, celebrating freedom and grace.

Why are we led to believe the hype and crap that eating chocolate brings happiness  and to continue it generation after generation?

Anyway that's just a side thought for today's post.  I am going to be completely honest and open and hope it's received with the intent it is written.

I have really been struggling with who I am/ where I am going ,what I am doing with regard to work/ study life the past few weeks.
Feeling overwhelmed and hopelessly lost, I know that sounds odd, I am 41 and should have a more rooted answer to what is happening with my life but I feel restless like I am still not fully reaching my potential, that I am missing part of the equation.

I know that  I am struggling with  confidence, being sure in all my ability as a personal trainer. It's not in my knowledge and understanding of exercise and how to achieve results,  I find programming is not a problem, there are always things to learn . It's as soon as I get asked for nutritional advice,  I just shut down and find it so uncomfortable to talk with confidence about  what I know and understand about food. I feel like people must look at me and wonder wtf would she know about any of this, look at the size of her?

I need to overcome/ stop that negative way of thinking, it's effecting my ability to build my business the way I would like.
I find  I am quick to refer people on to some of the other trainers in the gym the minute they ask for complex nutritional advice as I do not feel my advice would be taken seriously right or wrong that's how I am feeling.

I love my job and getting to meet  different people, I just want to be the best pt/ fitness professional  I can be, at the moment I know that's not the case, my own failings in my personal journey are letting me down.