Yeh changing it up again, have been suffering with anxiety and depression really bad this week! Feeling completely overwhelmed and unsure with everything that is my life right now, I want to honour my plan to work with people in the community that need the help and assistance and not be focused so much on making a dollar.

So I've been trying intermittent fasting for the past two weeks and counting macros, the process just suits my life most of the time except for when times like this morning when I just say stuff it and have black coffee with some sugary carbs and fats.

My point is I'm happier, more able to commit to eating properly because I am not depriving myself of high energy carbs, do I think this will suit me long term probably not but I am not stuck in a place where I feel hopeless anymore and like a failure.

So there will be mixed feelings on this post and some may be disappointed with my choices that's ok

Life is extremely different to what I ever thought it would be as a child/ teenager, being willing to change allows growth. 

I am continuing to work on  myself and my fitness/ health  goals and be the best version of me that I can be. For me at the moment all I am doing is following the exercise guidelines I've been restricted to since injuring my back.  I was accused of not  taking my rehab seriously and it pissed me off as  that's just not true, perception is in the eye of the beholder so how someone sees your reality is not always the way it is. And don't think you know someone's situation totally because you only know what they choose to let you see. 

People must see me as the pt who has a lot of fat to lose, they do not understand that there has already been a dramatic change or the person I have built myself into. Is there perception of me wrong? No they simply do not have all the facts, I struggled for many years accepting who I am and while I want to change some of my physical realities I am pretty happy with who I have become over the past 3.5 years since developing a love for fitness and health. 

This week I've been challenged to try something outside of my comfort zone by someone that I respect and value the opinion of. Initially I thought no way but he said something to me that made me stop and take notice. He said the passion you used to have for fitness has been replaced, I no longer so the joy you had for exercise and transforming your body that you had when you first started at the gym. 

He's not wrong, it's hard to be excited about an exercise program that I loath, the endorphin rush from the way I used to train is just not present and I'm reluctant to even train most days. So from Thursday last week I have made a conscious effort to commit to my training and rehab program 100%. I thought about just doing my own thing and working out my own training, but I just need to suck it up and accept I was given the advice for a reason and as frustrating as it is, I just need to accept this is the way it is for now. 

I am tracking myself over the next 6 months and look forward to see what happens with my back, body and self. 

Thanks for reading. xo

It's hard to be honest with the WWW but I started this blog way back in 2012 to keep me accountable to my journey, my dreams and goals.

Not going to sugar coat it, right now I am feeling a bit down with myself, shock horror I know my outlook is usually so positive! No I just hate the physical state my body is in right now, I hate the shape my body is with no training and fat gain from the past 12 months. I love that I am working in the fitness industry but hate that I look like someone who needs the help rather than the one supplying the help.

So we are about to start a 12 week program that promotes lifestyle transformation and weight/ fat loss. I really was so focused coming into this but now that I am unable to participate in any training of intensity my motivation has gone out the window.

I start to question all that I know to be truth when I feel the depression/ blue feelings coming on and instead of being motivated to change I usually start acting in a way that would indicate I had no goals or dreams for myself.

Today I am writing it down, because I want to be honest that it's hard to stay on track, it's hard to have patience it will all come together and I will be able to train when it's been alomst 12 weeks since I've participated in a genfit or high intensity class of any kind.

So in re cap a bit sad and depressed but determined to pick myself up and focus on that which I can, the food/ nutrtion portion of the plan.

WARNING LONG RAMBLINGS:

It feels appropriate to update my blog on the day I start my first gym floor shift, I certainly never saw this as a part of my future in 2011 when I decided I needed to change my life.

My life has changed significantly in part and not much in others, I still spend to much time on my phone just on different websites to the knitting ones I frequented before.

My back is still the fragile, the  unstable support it's always been. The Dr told me I  have the spinal degradation from wear and tear of that of  a 65- 70 year old when I was  34, it  didn't really mean anything at the time, I had no real understanding of what " You've got very little support between your vertabrae?
Yeah sure I had a sore back every few months,  mostly this was manageable with a bit of rest and some nurophen plus then in 2010 I had the whole ambulance ride to the hospital to get drugs as I had a non stop back spasm for around 8 hours and could not move a mm without wincing in pain. Then I began my relationship with codeine and celebrex ( thank you drug companies)  and how well they  worked to stop the muscle spasm and get me mobile.

Don't get me wrong since that time, although almost 10 months until I joined the gym I have found  exercising has definitely helped with my day to day function and mobility. I have not relied on daily pain killers/ anti inflammatory meds for a long time,  up until the recent episodes of back issues. This most recent succession of injury has shown me that while embracing exercise for the past three plus years,  I probably could of listened to the advice given to me long before I did to perhaps not increase the already delicate structure in my body. Also I think the extra weight I am carrying compared to two years ago is definitely not helping.

I feel more confident with who I am, not in an obnoxious way I just feel ok in my own skin  most of the time, sure I will still voice my insecurities, mainly the front region from the neck down boobs and belly are to big but I more comfortable with who I am. I am working on changing my negative language and hopefully will be able to fuel a more positive self image in my own daughter than what I had/ have in myself.

I took the leap to study fitness mainly for myself and my work with art and soul and now I am actually hoping to make a go at working in the industry.

 I feel it's necessary to thank all those people who've supported me a long the way, sometimes your comments/ insights  have made me cry they've been so encouraging.

My family, friends, work friends, gym buddies and school mums you have all been wonderful. And I also need to make special mention to Sean or as I like to call him

 Yoda,  those early days you focused me, always positive you made me believe in myself I can remember the exact moment I was on the treadmill in the ladies gym when your comment that has changed my life occurred and while it's still a work in progress I am thank full every day for that spark you lit.
My own inconsistency, continued injury and disorganised lifestyle have not led me to reach what I want but you've remained a constant source of support even when I was acting like a spoiled brat who didn't want to listen  (not wanting to accept the decrease in my  excessive amounts of training, eating the wrong things,  trying to do running when I should of stopped the first time I was told no running) when I think back to asking you to train me I honestly  thought I would train with you for just  10 sessions, just to get a feel for pt and  then that would be it. Now it's still going and I honestly cannot imagine trying to do it without you, sure your a little stubborn and believe your always right!

Heres my NEW YEARS  goals for 2015: Life, health, work and family.


1: ALove more, my family, friends, customers, enemies I do no want to miss an opportunity to be the reason someone else needs to  smile,  we all have an opportunity to be a light to someones dark. I want to see those opportunities and embrace them.
1B: Embrace more opportunity to expand my part in Art and Soul and all the off shoots of that.

2: Plan and save for a  holiday to an unexplored destination for our family.

3a: Respect my body by providing it with  the right environment to reach my goals and fitness potential without added injury and stress. Follow the guidelines for the program I have committed to following 100% not just when I feel like it.
3B: Be honest with myself and my  trainer(s)  when my body is not in an ideal state to train, rather than drug my way through the session with pain killers( this happens way more than it should).

4:  Help my husband build our business, keep my hand in the SS pie and build my own business so that I can do what I love and love what I do.

5: Look into re  enrolling for second semester 2015 and  completing the counselling degree I started in 2010....

6: Freely accept that all of these may change and I need to adapt to that.

Been thinking about Gillian Michaels and the maximise your life tour, so much encouragement and belief I could step out of my comfort zone and be a better version of me. 

 I went to on the 30/10 event  and I really allowed her words of wisdom to wash over me, I have been doing things I would never normally do but think maybe one day . 

I have booked in sky diving for the 8/12 with my gorgeous friend Danni and cannot wait to jump out of the sky even though I am afraid of heights. 

I  read about and then pain for and signed up for a seemingly super  intense 3 hour  bootcamp which physically I would never be strong enough to do, it will all  be about my  mental toughness which is a challenge not going to lie,  and then yesterday I booked in with thump  to get my boxing accreditation. 

So there are definitely parts of the night and the message about  maximising my life that I am taking on board but there is part of me that holds back.  I thought about the things that hold me back and I am writing them down here so I can really work on them. 

1: My physical appearance being the best I can be, there is a sense of shame in the  lack of achieving my personal goal.

 What has led to me not achieving that maybe I just haven't wanted it badly enough? The saying goes if it's important enough for you, you will make it happen no matter what. Maybe I am just not strong enough to achieve it. 

I am honest and recognise that  there are many  components to not achieving my goals yet.  Some mental and some physical that I can easily step up and change. 

 Sleep or lack of it after having a misfit and tracking it every night  I average about 3.5-4 hours of restful sleep a night I'm not sure if that is sufficient out of an 8 hour period or weather we should be having more restful sleep. I know 8 hours of sleep is recommended but does that mean it's all classified as restful sleep. 

Pre preparing my food or at least planning it, I found this last 12 weeks I was great at ensuring Scott had food for the day but not great with ensuring my meals were prepped and ready to go and I was easily distracted then to eat whatever I could get hold of often not the best choices or well constructed meals. 

Positivity I have issues with how I see myself, always have probably always will but I'm working on improving the way I talk to myself. 

that's just my reflection for today.