Why write a fitness/ health  blog when you are clearly not apparently  fit, why write a weight loss blog when you are  clearly  not losing weight and it's been at least 2 years since you've made any sort of progess down in numbers?

People may look at the outside package and see someone who is in desperate need of help in the body construction dept and I know I need to step up and do some hard work, I am currently the least consistent I have been in a long time both nutritionally and exercise wise.

Mostly my issue at the moment is stress being overwhelmed with working and then the time I have to devote to other stuff I am not devoting enough time to prep, pre  planning and preparing and then actually sticking to the plan and not letting my emotions control the choices I make by either not eating on time, eating the wrong thing or just not eating when I know my body needs fuel like ( post working out)

How I plan to do this, well  in the form of consistent application of the foundation and principles I value, the MP system is what I know works, allowing that to take me from here to there is a matter of being the one to  Eat to fuel my body using each meal to create the correct environment to achieve the body I want, drink water to aid fat loss and keep everything churning and limit all else or remove completely and exercising no more and especially no less at the moment than what is needed.

I have been aware for sometime that my errors during my first 12 months of exercising/ training and body transformation are still part of my downfall now. I lost weight consistently fairly quickly initially because I was exercising for the first time in years, my body knows how to do that now and I don't get the same scale rewards anymore that I did back then, no weeks of losing almost 3-4kg  tbh I don't look for them either.

Here is my honesty and accountability  I haven't stood on the scales for months and tomorrow I will for the first time in about 3 months. I am a little apprehensive and nervous but it honestly does not affect my self worth anymore.  it's a number and while I want to see where I am at and how my measurements are for my own record. To those who judge me because of it, If you don't like me for the number on the scales or the size of my clothes that's your loss.  I am okay I just want to be the best version of me and this currently is not her.

Two days in a row, it's been awhile since that has happened.

Yesterday's post had me feeling a bit annoyed about something I have no control over someone else, today I am a little less concerned with it. While I do not think it's a good idea to ever ask someone what their weight is, I know I have asked people at the end of a challenge who appear to of transformed a lot  how they did and maybe that is just as invasive, I will keep a check on that from now on to.

Had a follow up appointment with my osteopath yesterday, mainly  for my ongoing hip issues if I don't look after them I know I will have another back spasm issue.
 I had been experiencing some tenderness in my left wrist since Friday so thought I would get him to check it and just tell me it's in my head.  Turns out I am not I was not imagining it and I had actually done something to my left wrist while doing push ups on Friday morning at boot camp. So my exercise routine once again is a little disrupted as he felt I needed a few days recovery before trying to use my wrist again.

Food wise it's been hard to get enough protein into my diet without the use of a supplement, but I have found an amazingly yummy coconut and pea protein that I really like, some of the other ones taste like chalk.
While I am trying to only cook a vegan style diet, the full transition is slow and I find  there have been days when the option when I have been out socialising  is lacto veg or ovo veg  food and I do not want to make a big deal about my sudden change in diet so I  have eaten it without concern or guilt and this is probably the way I will continue so I guess I am a mostly a lacto/ ovo vegetegan :)

I like me, my choices and I am choosing to be happier on purpose

I hope your tuesday is amazing

Today's post will be hard to read for some and that's okay. I am not going to my an apology for my apology.

This morning at the gym I was asked a question  that has been asked a few times over the past almost 5  years I have been working out and trying to be the best physically that I can be.

 I was asked what weight I got down to when I was at my smallest size?
 I hate that question!   I hated it  3,5 years ago when I was at my leanest and I hate it now, mainly because when I say the numbers I feel like a failure as I was still not within my healthy weight range for height according to the bmi charts  and def now because the difference between then and now is very very hard to look at daily.

Right now  my journey as morphed from only being about the size of my ass/ weight  into being one about whole health and fitness and trying to remain focused on this is a daily battle. To try and focus on keeping myself functional and not injured and healing from the foundation up is not what the environment encourages. I do not want to stay this size but I also don't want to be on another merry go round ride to this same place in 3 years.

Remember everyone has a story and just because you can see one dimension of it does not mean you have the whole story. I am sorry to those I have looked at and commented about who are just trying to be the best they can be, I had no right to make a comment about ANY aspect of your journey and I apologize.

Week 4 of the 12 week challenge.

Oh hey blog readers, it's been a couple of weeks since I've posted. What has happened?

I've re commenced real active training which is making me super :) I have been a little non structured with it though. Setting my alarm and not actually getting out of bed some days. I have decided this needs to change, there is no point planning exercise and not actually doing it when it just makes me feel like I've wasted an opportunity to achieve my goals.

This week was the first week I actually managed a full week of training like I used to, the last time was probably 15 months ago, due to recurring back injuries all last year.

 Had some photo's taken yesterday for a before and after comparison, not my favorite thing to do!

Clearly and honestly , I hadn't noticed just  how far from my body shape/ size  goals my current physique was, so the photo session as confronting as it was,  it was a sharp reality slap that I hadn't really gotten a glimpse of in a while I try to avoid looking in the mirror when semi naked:).
After this I checked  my time hope app which  bought up a 3.5  year old photo, this of course was  when I was a much leaner version of the current me  and it was like bam!

I know I achieved that, I also know it was achieve through believe in myself and pushing beyond any limits I thought I had. I know I can do it again ( this time will be healthy and less traumatic for my body) Right now I need to  stop living in the negative and looking at the past,  this body of  mine has had to endure quite a bit of trauma these last  3.5 years with surgeries and back injuries and all the other toxic crap I have thrown at it.  I need to let it go and do what I can now to make it better not live in the could of been alternate reality.

Here's to a time frame of commitment and belief that I can make the change needed to achieve my goals one step at a time.

Have a great Sunday xo

A couple of things, I suck and not drinking alcohol at the moment. I've never been one to enjoy a nightly drink but that is my crutch at the moment. Need to break that, I hate feeling like I just have to have it to get through to the end of my day but that's exactly how I have felt.

A clever workmate, tagged me in an article on facebook that I have been contemplating ever since. Basically it was saying life is not about how happy we feel all the time and the good feelings we live with it's about the pain we are willing to live with to achieve the happiness we want.

For example to lose bodyfat I have to be willing to eat less sugar, processed foods, plan and prepare my food and be prepared to  drink mainly water, while also  incorporating  a certain amount of physical activity as I have learned from the past this cannot be excessive or extreme or my body will not function the way I chose. To achieve my goal of less body fat and a more functional body I  may have to do painful things that  involve getting up early to exercise before work , it  may involve declining a dinner invitation, or accepting and taking my own prepared food, choosing not to go because the venue does not allow for me to stick to my eating choice or simply  sitting there watching other people eat foods I have enjoyed while I choose not to.

 Most people who are successful with long term body change after struggling with weight are people who have worked out the level of pain they are willing to live with to achieve their happiness. I clearly had a want but had not worked out the level of pain I was willing to live with the achieve my goal.

This principal can be applied to almost every aspect of life, for me and this blog I have made it about body transformation/ fat loss but you can see where I am going with this.

I have returned to training after being a no exerciser for almost 3 months and I can tell you it's hard committing the time and effort to get it done, but I know I need to if I want to reach my goal.

In the words of Nicole Arbour what they don't tell you when they try to sell you pretty plus size clothing is that it's plus diabetes, plus heart disease, plus knee and joint problems, plus f ing health care burden. 

I am no longer normal sized and seeing the reflection of someone I once was but no longer thought I would be  in the window or mirror is hard to accept

 I did this, I decided one day to accept those couple of kg's extra over the Chrsitmas/ New year period then those few more etc etc and now it seems so huge to get back to where I was.

Each decision, I make has an effect on the place I live, choose with care and caution. 

Good to be back to blogging, now there is going to be no New Year new me post because tbh I am pretty happy with the person I am, there are parts of my physical appearance that are not ideal but the change from within I am totally okay with and I think I needed to experience all of it to be where I am.

Do I feel embarrassed that my life went backwards from where it was 3 years ago in terms of weight gain? yes a little. Since  I went in for surgery in 2013 I have gained approximately 20kg that's a lot of weight and I don't like the way I feel moving around most of the time. My joints ache and  I know this is mostly due to the extra weight.  I am not planning on staying here, I want to fit back into my wardrobe of clothes that are not being worn I want to be able to lie down again without being strangled by my boobs!  but I am not going to be obsessed with the scales like I was 3 years ago. I am not going to think the destination is the only place I can be happy with the person I am, I have learnt I am more than the size of my but, belly, legs or boobs!
Is this a healthy  point of view? Not really according to all the fitness groups that are sending me emails to sign up to this 4 week challenge or that 8 week challenge, I  should probably but it doesn't interest me to try to change a lifetime of habits it 12 months does not work, I have learnt that unless you address the underlying issues there really is no long term change to your life.

So I start this New Year and yes my clothes are a bigger size and I have to lose some extra kg but the difference in my acceptance of who I am is huge and yes so is my butt.

I am going to be happier on purpose and live by the values that matter to me. No more exercising that causes damage to an already fragile internal structure, no more blaming the circumstances around me for the current state I am in.

Moving my body is important because it keeps me sane, I  currently  do not enjoy the  exercise I am doing but I know there is something out there for me and maybe I will  get back into a proper training program and the past 10 weeks will be forgotten.

So this year I have 70 billion kg's to get off my body and keep off.