It's been awhile since I posted anything so here are a few random thoughts about health, fitness and life.

Health is more than looking great with and without clothes! I achieved weight loss, I exercised to extreme but  I was not healthy. Did I look better yes, did I feel better yes but my concern was not health my concern was looking acceptable to society so I could feel like I fit in and not stand out ( ironic for a person who has multi coloured hair, tattoo's and clothing that is anything but plain)

Now my focus is on just being able to keep mobile without being stuck in bed again, and no that was no exaggeration when I put my back out it goes into spasm I cannot move this time was the worst ever, pain killers did nothing anti inflammatory drugs did nothing all I could do was rest, ice and move as little as possible until the tension had released.

I honestly thought,  last year when I was told I should not run it was an extreme response and not an actual statement meaning never ever. I mean  surely once I built up my core strength and lost some excess visceral fat I would be able to run? NO!  turns out I am not normal according to my osteopath, I am okay with this knowledge and  after accepting I have " dodgy joints" with little to  no outside cartilage support I will no longer attempt to run on a treadmill or concrete.

4 weeks later and I am still not quite back to normal, there are times when I just move a mm the wrong way and I feel a slight spasm in the joint area that has been affected. I am hoping to be able to return to some kind of training next week, for the past two weeks that keeps getting pushed back due to still being a little broken.

So back to focusing on what I can and that is food, this time of year can be crazy with social times and I don't want it to be like the other 40 and I end up hating who I see in the mirror. Each choice I make during this time  will be intentional, is it going to bring healing and restoration to my tired aching body, is it going to make me feel joy indulging in something that is social and warm and full of love or is it just me being out of sync with my body and trying to fill a void  and nothing else.

I've started reading a book recommended to me the other day by Russ Harris called The Happiness Trap life is not going to be a smooth sail, I am loving it so far.


EDITED My Yoda tattoo while it may appear that I have forever tattooed my pt onto my shoulder it's more than just having a constant reminder to not act like an idiot when exercising. Yoda on my shoulder is about remembering and embracing  all that I have become since meeting him to be able to remember the life I have now that I am living not just existing day to day, that one human being  has been influenced by his knowledge, not just in exercise and fitness but for how to live life. I wanted to keep that for myself.

This blog was started in 2012 as a way to support my fat loss/ weight loss journey, over that time it has helped me blog stuff that I find hard to get out to other people face to face. I have shared the good the bad the ugly my triumphs and my challenges.

I have not really been as transparent with my journey the past 18 month because I have not really accomplished anything physical, I lost 8kg last year but tbh it was such an unhealthy, quick fix I regained it all within a couple of months. I have since battled my mind more than my body and been stuck, until this year and I started gaining weight again and was quickly slipping back into habits of years gone by.

I am not going to make excuses for why I am still working on my life transformation, motivation  wise there is no reason why I have found it so hard to just do it, I should be able to just see the change in the clothes over the past 2.5 years but especially the last 18 months and want to change.

I made the choice a couple of months ago to educate myself with a nutritional program I have tried on and off to follow over the past 3 years but never 100% committed to seeing it through. I wanted to really understand the science behind it and why it is structured the way it is.
I learnt how my mindset has always been off, instead of approaching any 12 week, wanting to shred fat with no thought of what damage I am doing to my metabolism and body function long term. This plan is adjusting that incorrect way of looking at it, with the idea that firstly I am fixing the way my body functions internally followed by ensuring my body is in the right functioning to lose body fat long term.  I cannot expect to lose 30kg in 12 weeks and tbh it will probably take 12 - 18 months of focus, commitment and dedication. I have done it the wrong way and am back to where I was 3.5 years ago but I am looking at being somewhere completely different in 12- 18 months time.

So Monday my friends and I decided to begin a 12 week program, despite some internal struggles and insensitive comments I am more committed to this program than ever before. To the man in the gym this morning who gave me this compliment "I've seen you over the last four weeks and you've lost weight, I can really notice" To which I replied " Thank You" he then followed it up with " I would always look at you in the gym and wonder how you could be so large/ fat and a personal trainer, you've really changed a lot." I was shocked and kind of angry but as usual I just left without saying maybe next time think before adding the insult to the compliment because you have made me feel like crap.

I will be my own advertisement for the program I follow.

This week I had to get my care plan updated which allows me 5 visits to an allied health professional to have my back looked at. This involves having a visit with the nurse at my Dr clinic who weighs me takes me blood pressure and tries to convince me I should add a dietician into my care plan each year.

This year I am a bit heavier than last year and I knew they would recommend the dietician what I did not expect was for her to look at me and make the condescending remark of have you thought about trying to get a 20 minute walk in twice a week to try and incorporate some light planned exercise into your daily activity. I am sick of people asking questions like " When are you due?" and so I rather  replied explaining  I am a qualified pt and am in the gym exercising 3-4 times a week. Granted I was wearing a big bulk hoodie but I really didn't think I looked like someone who has no idea how to exercise.

I may not love all of  what I see in the mirror  at the moment but for the first time in ages, I am feeling okay with myself. I am working towards lowering my visceral fat and not getting caught up in the number on the scales being judged by a health professional who has no clue who I am makes me angry and I know that no matter what I do achieve unless I hit the bmi ratio they believe in I will get this same advice time and time again!

I watched That Sugar film yesterday WOW it was eye opening and I can see why my kids lunches may need an overhaul when a healthy person can gain 8.5kg in 60 days from eating heart approved " healthy" foods no junk or soft drink it makes me horrified for the future of children to come.

My back went out doing a dead ball slam yesterday and I kind of ignored it  by popping an anti inflamatory and pain killer so I could continue with the cardio workout I had just started( stupid decision)

Happy Fathers Day

Hi,

Lets start off with Hope your week is filled with love,energy and hope that invigorates and motivates you!

My life is a little chaotic at the moment, some days I feel like I don't have a minute to  spare then others I feel like there is a lot more I could accomplish.

There is very little balance with all things health and fitness at the moment, my exercise routine is fairly basic and I really need to be consistent and push a little more than what I have been, I remain focused on healing my body ( that was not the case a couple of weeks ago) and understand that process will not change my outside as quickly as I would like.

I had an in body scale measurement done a few weeks ago, that was a bit of an eye opener and it made me look at myself and my goals and think about what I really desire to achieve.

I need to lose a substantial amount of  body fat that is a no brainer,  but according to my body composition if I want to maintain my current muscle mass the weight I should aim for is a lot different to the number I always imagined I would need to get to in order to be the best I can be.  That was a spin out, being told to reach my goal weight would require 0 body fat and to lose a few kg of muscle, yet according to the bmi charts this is the middle of the road for me in terms of kg weight,  it's made my view of where I should be more flexible and more realistic in the short term.

I still struggle with emotional eating and emotional not eating and trying to get it all in sync is a battle but I know I am still far better off each step I take towards my goal then if I just gave up and said Stuff this.

lets see where I can get to in 12 weeks bring it!

What causes food to become a controlling factor of so many peoples happiness? Why is it such a hard thought process to break? Why do some people come up with the thought process of it's just so easy just don't eat this and eat this WOW gees I wish I had of tried that THANK YOU your wisdom has solved the issue for everyone!

Let me tell you it's never more embarrassing than being in the environment I work in and looking like I do, I wish I could just coat every bit of food with a vile substance that would alter the way I react to food to not stray from the nutritional path I know I should follow.

I constantly feel like a fraud, I love my clients but I'm sure deep down they and my group class participants question my understanding of health and fitness because I am not a walking billboard for health and fitness.

Let's be honest I don't sleep well most nights, I am injured and have to modify most activities and I cannot complete a lot of the workouts I set my clients because of the injuries I have. My mind has not caught up with the idea that it's all about nutrition  but I am continually  working on it.

So I have decided August is a month of wholeness, healing and long term  happiness this is going to be my moto when choosing the meals to nourish my body, the way I will talk to myself and the way I will interact with workmates, family and friends.

I had to choose to not participate in my favourite charity this term as my dh felt my time outside the home was almost at full capacity and my exhaustion levels each evening needed to be simplified with less work not adding to it. I am a little sad but know putting my family and my health and well being first will bring about a peace I see.

August whole 30 starts tomorrow.

My life is a bit chaotic at the moment, I am trying to make a living and support my husband by doing 3 jobs plus squeeze in being  a wife and mother. All this takes time but it seems daunting when I am also slowly, slowly  getting my own health and fitness back on track and focusing on  not dillydallying up a path that is leading me in circles.

I find balance is something my day to day routine is very much lacking in at the moment.

My fitness journey was at it's peak about 3 years ago or one year into my weight loss when I was feeling confident I could achive something I had wanted the whole of my adult life. Now I am not sure what that looks like for me anymore,  but for now I am trying to be positive with where I'm at and  who I am.

Sugar and caffeine are still my number 1 combined de railers! I do not containg the will power to just banish them both from my day, but that's no surprise as  I am weak and no coffee at the moment is not an option because I really want to be neutral about sugar and not an absaloute crack head so will focus on sugar elimination once again.

Exercise is minimal still and quite regressed to what I was doing especially legs training, it's hard to believe he is still around but  Sean is still training me after almost 4 years! Seriously  that kid deservers some kind of medal for putting up with my crazy, inconsistent, stubborn self. His dedication to his craft is admirable and I am so much better than I was 4 years ago, even if others find it hard to see I know in my heart the change was significant.

Feel like I'm  sitting at  the heaviest weight Ive been in 2.5 years but the balliesr I've been  with regards to my journey for ages.
I've actually found balance that seems to flow.


Excessive exercise was never the answer when my nutrition was