A couple of things, I suck and not drinking alcohol at the moment. I've never been one to enjoy a nightly drink but that is my crutch at the moment. Need to break that, I hate feeling like I just have to have it to get through to the end of my day but that's exactly how I have felt.

A clever workmate, tagged me in an article on facebook that I have been contemplating ever since. Basically it was saying life is not about how happy we feel all the time and the good feelings we live with it's about the pain we are willing to live with to achieve the happiness we want.

For example to lose bodyfat I have to be willing to eat less sugar, processed foods, plan and prepare my food and be prepared to  drink mainly water, while also  incorporating  a certain amount of physical activity as I have learned from the past this cannot be excessive or extreme or my body will not function the way I chose. To achieve my goal of less body fat and a more functional body I  may have to do painful things that  involve getting up early to exercise before work , it  may involve declining a dinner invitation, or accepting and taking my own prepared food, choosing not to go because the venue does not allow for me to stick to my eating choice or simply  sitting there watching other people eat foods I have enjoyed while I choose not to.

 Most people who are successful with long term body change after struggling with weight are people who have worked out the level of pain they are willing to live with to achieve their happiness. I clearly had a want but had not worked out the level of pain I was willing to live with the achieve my goal.

This principal can be applied to almost every aspect of life, for me and this blog I have made it about body transformation/ fat loss but you can see where I am going with this.

I have returned to training after being a no exerciser for almost 3 months and I can tell you it's hard committing the time and effort to get it done, but I know I need to if I want to reach my goal.

In the words of Nicole Arbour what they don't tell you when they try to sell you pretty plus size clothing is that it's plus diabetes, plus heart disease, plus knee and joint problems, plus f ing health care burden. 

I am no longer normal sized and seeing the reflection of someone I once was but no longer thought I would be  in the window or mirror is hard to accept

 I did this, I decided one day to accept those couple of kg's extra over the Chrsitmas/ New year period then those few more etc etc and now it seems so huge to get back to where I was.

Each decision, I make has an effect on the place I live, choose with care and caution. 

Good to be back to blogging, now there is going to be no New Year new me post because tbh I am pretty happy with the person I am, there are parts of my physical appearance that are not ideal but the change from within I am totally okay with and I think I needed to experience all of it to be where I am.

Do I feel embarrassed that my life went backwards from where it was 3 years ago in terms of weight gain? yes a little. Since  I went in for surgery in 2013 I have gained approximately 20kg that's a lot of weight and I don't like the way I feel moving around most of the time. My joints ache and  I know this is mostly due to the extra weight.  I am not planning on staying here, I want to fit back into my wardrobe of clothes that are not being worn I want to be able to lie down again without being strangled by my boobs!  but I am not going to be obsessed with the scales like I was 3 years ago. I am not going to think the destination is the only place I can be happy with the person I am, I have learnt I am more than the size of my but, belly, legs or boobs!
Is this a healthy  point of view? Not really according to all the fitness groups that are sending me emails to sign up to this 4 week challenge or that 8 week challenge, I  should probably but it doesn't interest me to try to change a lifetime of habits it 12 months does not work, I have learnt that unless you address the underlying issues there really is no long term change to your life.

So I start this New Year and yes my clothes are a bigger size and I have to lose some extra kg but the difference in my acceptance of who I am is huge and yes so is my butt.

I am going to be happier on purpose and live by the values that matter to me. No more exercising that causes damage to an already fragile internal structure, no more blaming the circumstances around me for the current state I am in.

Moving my body is important because it keeps me sane, I  currently  do not enjoy the  exercise I am doing but I know there is something out there for me and maybe I will  get back into a proper training program and the past 10 weeks will be forgotten.

So this year I have 70 billion kg's to get off my body and keep off.